


Feels Like Somewhere

by FancyKid



Series: Shelter [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ahch-To, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cliffhanger for part one!, Did I mention it was a slow burn?, F/M, For a while at least, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Dyad (Star Wars), Force Resurrection, He’s a softy, I see Naboo in their future, POV Rey (Star Wars), Rating May Change, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey Palpatine, Reylo - Freeform, Slow Burn, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, This is going to be long you guys, Tros fix-it, because its a fairy tale in space, i guess, right jj?, so why wouldn't there be a happy ending?, subtle stormpilot, the only good thing about the movie i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:09:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 58,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21909493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FancyKid/pseuds/FancyKid
Summary: He didn't fade away. And she didn't let him go. Refusing to accept that he was gone, Rey gives everything she has in order to bring Ben back.With nowhere in the galaxy for these former enemies to call home, they steal away to Ahch-To, seeking refuge, time to heal, and much needed rest.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Shelter [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1808449
Comments: 1447
Kudos: 2237





	1. Be With Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Reylo fic. Reading a few of these beautiful one shots and first chapters post-tros has helped me so much in the last few days. But I couldn't help myself. I have to join in.
> 
> I'm not trying to blow anyone away here with an impressively original or unique fic, nor am I an expert on all of the little details that make up the SW universe, so I hope that doesn't offend anyone. But I have so much love for these characters and thinking up this story in the past 24 hours has already helped me feel better about it all.
> 
> The title is inspired by the song "Shelter" by Eisley with the lyric: Nowhere feels like somewhere when I'm in your arms.

She could have sworn his smile could make her heart stop all over again, but she’d never felt so alive. Her lips stung where he had kissed him. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it would burst free from her chest.

_Ben._

He was _here_. He was _hers_. She’d been imagining - _hoping_ for this day ever since they touched hands through their bond all that time ago. But that was nothing compared to this. Rey knew, with every burning particle of her body, alive and new with the life he’d breathed into her, that she would never be alone again.

And then something changed. It happened so quickly she hardly had time to comprehend. His beautiful smile had slipped away and he followed swiftly behind. His hand that had been on the back of her neck hit the ground next to her. She fell over him, still holding his hand against his chest.

She heard a sound, an awful, tortured, tearing sound that she realized, belatedly, had some from her own throat. Only a second had passed in the time he had fallen away from her. 

Rey moved without even thinking.

“No,” she told him. His light was already flickering at the edges, but she wouldn’t let him go. She pressed herself to him, her left hand holding firmly over his still heart, her right slipped under his neck, cradling his head close. She rested her ear against his chest. Feeling. Hoping. _Waiting_.

There was no alternative. She let out a breath, making herself be calm. And she reached out.

“Be with me. Be with me. _Be with me._ ”

It had been only minutes that they were there, all of them, the ones she knew and the ones she never would. She knew they were still there with her, in her, listening, feeling.

Rey searched for his heart, still warm, but cooling with each passing second. She held onto it. She wouldn’t let go.

And through the minutes passed in silence, she didn’t stop. 

“Be with me.”

She could feel every hurt in his body. It was a slow process, but the stiller, the calmer she became, the more precisely she was able to feel it it all. The fibers of his bones, knitting together, one by one. He was so broken, a wrist, she didn’t know how many ribs, but it was his leg that gave her such pause. It was so, completely shattered in countless places. She didn’t know how long it would take to heal, but she knew she had to focus elsewhere before she lost the rest of the strength he had given to her.

The cut on the side of her head reopened with a searing pain. _Its going to work._

“Be with me.”

Her breaths were becoming more shallow, harder to hold on to. _It_ must _work._

“Be with me.”

_Please. Please don’t take him from me._

And then she felt it.

She felt the whole of their being. They were _there_ with her. She didn’t have to open her eyes, to turn and look up, to know. They stood on either side of her and Ben, and it wasn’t long before she felt a hand on each shoulder.

_Luke._

_Leia_.

Their strength in the Force, their power, their love, pulsed into her, through her, and into Ben. She could feel it.

It was working. She knew it. But she couldn’t think on it. Not until she felt his heart. Not until she heard it. She focused on it with everything she had left.

When it came, so quietly, she thought she would break in two. The first unsteady pump. The slow, unsure pulsing of his heart. And finally, the movement of his blood reworking its way through his veins on its old, memorized routes.

A sob of relief came unbidden from her mouth. It was such a beautiful sound. She could listen to it every day, for the rest of forever. And that was exactly what she planned to do.

She was listening so closely that she hadn’t even noticed the other noise that blew everything else away.

“Rey?”

Her eyes snapped open and she was hovering over him in the same second, her arms bracing herself up to look into his face. His eyes were closed. He was motionless, still. But she _heard_ it. She would know his voice anywhere. Her own voice was just above a whisper, wavering over a sob that wracked through her throat. 

“Ben?” She couldn’t have just imagined it. It couldn’t have just been a dream.

When his eyes flickered behind their lids, she collapsed on top of him once more, letting relief and exhaustion finally flood through her.

Ben let out an _oof_ when she fell on top of him, but she couldn’t bear to move. She didn’t dare.

“What did you do?” His voice was soft, weak, but it was _his_. He was alive. _Fully alive._

She knew Luke and Leia were gone, but she knew they could still hear her. 

_Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you._

_For what?_

She gasped at the sound of Ben’s voice in her head. Clearly, weak as they were, their bond was still intact.

She pushed herself off of him once more and looked into his eyes, just opening then with a heaviness she’d never seen.

“You brought me back?”

Rey couldn’t do anything but nod in return.

But the shaking of his head was incongruous to the sheer triumph that radiated through her.

“Why did you do it?”

Her voice snapped like the strike of a sand snake, “ _What?_ ”

He squinted at her, the darkest of circles under his eyes. If she hadn’t felt his heart, if he hadn’t been _speaking_ to her, she would have thought he was still dead. “I felt you. I was _with_ you,” he took a deep breath, “Didn’t you feel it?”

Rey shook her head, “No.”

Ben blinked slowly, so tired it almost hurt to watch, “I felt it,” he said almost to reassure himself.

Rey could still feel Luke and Leia as long as she reached out for them. But she would never see them again. Not truly. If Ben had been reduced to the same, she wouldn’t be able to live with it.

She shook her head at him again. “Not good enough. It would never be enough.” She moved his hair out of his face, relishing in the warmth that was coming back to his skin, the way he leaned into her touch.

Rey swallowed back another sob and took a deep breath. “Come on,” she put her hand behind his head and moved off of him, sitting back on her heels beside him. “Lets get you up.”

It took longer than she would have thought possible. They were both impossibly weak. But soon they were both sitting up. Ben’s head rested heavy on her shoulder as he leaned most of his weight on her. She realized, gradually, that they were essentially sharing one life. It would take time and more than the Force to heal them both.

They stayed there leaning against one another, heavy arms holding each other close for several moments before she had breath enough to speak. “Can you walk?” 

He let out a heavy breath that sent a shiver down her spine. “My leg. Its broken.”

“Right. I know. I’m sorry. I don’t have enough strength to- I’m sorry.”

Ben shook his head into her neck and stroked her back feebly. She could feel his answer through their bond, too weak to say the words aloud. _Don’t apologize. You’ve done too much already._

Rey sighed heavily and responded in kind. _We may have to heal you in the ordinary way._

She could feel his smile against her neck. _How are_ we _going to do that?_

“I don’t know. But I can’t do it on my own. We’re going to need help.”

When he spoke again, his voice was a little more alive, with mere speculation or trepidation, she wasn’t sure, “Where could we go?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how long I'm going to make this. Right now I have about 15 chapters planned out, but that won't get us to the end of this story, so I'm sure we'll be here for a while. (Plus I've already got a part 2 planted in my head, but I'm trying not to get ahead of myself.)
> 
> I'm a teacher so I don't have to go back to work until January 2nd. I plan on getting a decent amount of this done before I return. Thank you for checking it out and for reading. It really means a lot. Working on chapter two as we speak.
> 
> I hope that if you read this, you'll let me know what you think - and also maybe recommend some other fics you think I might like!
> 
> 5/20/20: Follow my reylo sideblog [youshotfirst](https://youshotfirst.tumblr.com) for new chapter notifications!


	2. I Should Probably Stay in the Ship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the beautiful response to this! I'm quite honestly shocked, but I guess there truly are a lot of us in need of healing after this weekend.
> 
> As promised in the tags, we're going to run into a bit of angst here. Anyone who has read any of my other fics knows that it can't be helped!
> 
> Also, I know the TIE Ben brought to Exegol is probably not like the one I describe here, but oh well. It is a fic after all.

“Yours is faster.”

“It is.”

“The cockpit is bigger.”

“True.”

“There are _two_ seats in that TIE, Ben.”

“Also true.”

“How would you expect for both of us to fit in an ancient x-“

“Rey.”

She snapped her head to look at him. “What?”

Ben’s head hung heavy on his neck, his face beaded with sweat from exertion and pain. Rey couldn’t blame him; with his arm slung around her shoulders, it was all she could do to stay on her feet.

“We’ll get shot down," he paused to take a breath, "if we’re in a TIE.”

She shook her head, “Luke’s ship will never work,” she felt his mental flinch at his uncle’s name and ignored it, “Can you even fit in an x-wing on your own?”

He shrugged weakly against her, “Sure.”

“Now how about with a broken leg. _And_ me.”

For that, for once, he didn’t have an answer.

She shook her head again and sighed deeply. “You’re not thinking clearly. It has to be the TIE,” she took another breath and heaved him up straighter, “Come on, lets get you in there.”

Climbing to the top of the ship and pulling Ben up after her was enough to end her right there, she was sure of it. And Rey thought making it out of the Citadel had been hard. She could feel his embarrassment, his shame, through the bond. For him to feel such a thing was ridiculous, she knew. But for his sake, she tried to ignore it, as it was clear he wanted her to. She'd tried twice more on their climb to Force heal his leg, at least partly. But when he saw her start to waver, he pulled her hand away. She was the one who should feel ashamed. The worst of it all, though, was hearing a grunt between his gritted teeth followed by a sharp intake of breath as he dropped himself into the cockpit.

“Are you alright?” She tried to quell the panic rising in her voice, but she knew he could feel it radiating through her bond.

He leaned back heavily against their shared headrest and nodded.

She swallowed and forced herself to breathe before she followed him inside, closing the hatch above them. 

She took the pilot’s seat, as he had made it abundantly clear he was in no state to fly. Her eyes widened, taking in the impressive First Order tech at her fingertips. She thought of how many she herself had shot down at Crait. And then of all of the TIEs that had shot her friends down in turn.

“Rey?”

Ben had been so silent behind her, she nearly jumped out of her seat when she heard his voice.

“Ben?”

“Where do you plan on bringing me?”

She couldn’t help it. Finn’s face flashed in her mind. She felt Ben shake his head behind her.

Rey squeezed her eyes shut. Her voice was meek, “Bad idea?”

“No, I think it’s a _great_ idea. As long as you’re alright with the fact that you would have just brought me back from the dead only temporarily.”

She furrowed her brow, chiding him, “Don’t say that.” She bit the inside of her cheek, thinking. She’d been hoping to return to base, to check on her friends, to be sure that they were alright. To see if they would help her help Ben.

But every time Finn saw Ben, he’d being trying to kill the both of them. She thought of Kylo Ren, bleeding from Chewie’s bowcaster wound. She thought of Finn facedown in the snow on Starkiller Base, and froze, trying to push the image away. But it was too late, his voice was already in her head.

_I know what I’ve done. Don’t hide your thoughts from me._

Rey swallowed over a lump that had formed in her throat and turned in her seat to try to see him. He turned his face to the side, half of gaze on her. “Please,” he said aloud.

“Okay.”

Ben put his head back and closed his eyes, “They’ll kill me on the spot.”

“They wouldn’t. I could talk to them. Make them see.”

“Make them see what?”

Rey swallowed and answered him in her head. _What I know._

Ben was silent for a moment before he answered. 

_I should probably stay in the ship._

_\- -_

It was easier than she would have thought, making herself known to the base. Before she was in their airspace she was able to send out the message that she was not in fact a First Order pilot they had missed in the battle, but their very own Rey. There was shouting on the other side of the comm, followed by cheering, followed by a bit of scuffling and finally a familiar voice.

“Rey!”

Her heart jumped up into her throat, and her response was so loud that Ben jumped out of his hazy state behind her. 

“Finn!”

-

Rey landed the ship far enough away from the others, buried in the jungle. With any luck, she would have enough time to explain everything to her friends before they even knew Ben was with her. 

“Don’t move,” she ordered, looking down at Ben from the open hatch. 

He looked up at her, a half smirk on his lips that made her breathe in sharply, “Couldn’t if I tried.”

“This _will_ work. We’ll get you all fixed up. I promise.” 

He nodded at her again, his eyes closing in pure exhaustion as she closed the hatch.

-

Finn had caught her first as she came through the trees and into the clearing. She shut her eyes over her tears of relief and so was shocked when she felt another body crush into them. _Poe_.

The three of them stood there, for how long, she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t until she felt a furry tap on her shoulder that they released her.

“Chewie,” she let the Wookie pick her up in the tightest embrace. 

It was so good to see all of her friends, old and new. But there was still the overwhelming sense of something missing. 

_Leia._

She was there in the Force. But to see all of the celebration, all of the happy faces of her found family was enough to break her heart. Leia would have loved so much to see it all, to be here with them and celebrate in the end of all she fought against her whole life. 

To know that without her own son, none of it would have been possible.

She felt her knees give slightly beneath her when Chewie put her down. 

“Rey!” Finn saw it and caught her up again before she could fall. His strong arms wrapped around her, holding her close. She let her head fall on his shoulder. She didn’t know how tired she’d been until she let everything go.

She felt Ben tug at their bond, weakly checking to see what happened, to see if she was alright. 

_I’m fine_ , she thought for him, _I’ll be right back_.

-

“Thank you Rose,” Rey accepted the steaming cup of tea with gratitude, and a bit of embarrassment. “This really isn’t necessary.”

“Of course it is,” Rose scoffed at her, tossing a blanket around her shoulders gently, “You’re dead on your feet.”

Rey couldn’t help the half-laugh that escaped from her throat. “You have no idea,” she raised her eyebrows at her friend before taking a sip.

Rose settled on a stool across from her, “So what happened? You really defeated Palpatine? He’s _gone_?”

Rey nodded, swallowing another sip of glorious warmth, “He’s gone.”

The smile that lit up Rose’s face was infectious. Rey couldn’t help but return one of her own. “How did you do it?”

Rey blanched. Finn was off getting her a medpac for her cuts and bruises. Maybe Rose would take it easier at first. Ben was becoming weaker by the moment. If she didn’t get that leg healed soon, she was sure there would be permanent damage. It was now or never.

She took a deep breath and put the tea down on the ground. “I didn’t do it on my own.”

Rose’s brow furrowed at her, “What do you mean? Was it the Force?”

Rey nodded, “Yes. And someone else.”

Rose was at a loss, “Who?”

“Rey!” Finn’s panicked voice cut through the calm she had only just begun to feel. She stood up quickly, ignoring the lightheadedness and threw the blanket off of her. Something was wrong.

Finn rounded the corner holding a medpac, but by the look on his face, it seemed her forgot the reason why he had gotten it in the first place. “I can feel it,” there was venom in his words that made her freeze mid-stride as she moved toward him.

“What?” She swallowed back the rising bile in her throat, “Feel what?”

“He’s here,” he practically spat. 

It was then that Rey knew Ben had been right. The hate, the _rage_ in Finn’s eyes was nothing like she’d ever seen from him. She was stupid, she knew now, for hoping her words alone would be able to smooth over the years of torment and loss caused by the First Order. By Kylo Ren. 

This wasn’t going to be as easy as she had hoped.

Finn wrenched his blaster from it’s holster. “ _It’s_ _Ren._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course, it's not going to work the way she wants it to! Then this would be a very short fic and thats not what I want to do.
> 
> If you feel so inclined, I would love to know what you think. Thank you again so much for checking this out. It really means everything to me.
> 
> P.S. I am [fancykidmd](https://fancykidmd.tumblr.com) on tumblr.
> 
> Edit: since starting this beast, I’ve also created a reylo side blog because I’m insane: [youshotfirst](https://youshotfirst.tumblr.com). I'll post new chapter updates there as well.


	3. A Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh I did this one kind of quickly so I hope there aren't too many typos. 
> 
> Angry Finn. Hurt Rey. Helpful Rose (because I love her and needed more of her, thank you very much.)
> 
> Oh and Ben does something stupid, of course.

“Finn, wait.”

But he had already turned on his heel, running through the camp. Rey barely managed to keep up with him. 

_This was not how this was supposed to go._

_Let me guess,_ she heard Ben in the back of her mind.

_Don’t say a word,_ she snapped back at him. And then, more gently, _please stay in the ship._

Of course Finn went running straight for Poe. 

“Poe,” Finn skidded to a short stop as soon as he found him. Rey ran right into him, knocking the breath out of her. Finn hardly noticed. “Ren is here, Poe. I don’t know how he found us, maybe he followed Rey, but he is here, in the forest. I can feel it.”

Poe squared his shoulders, already geared for a fight, but the he squinted his eyes at Finn. “What do you mean you can feel it?”

Finn rolled his eyes, obviously seeing that the how and why of this situation was not of the greatest importance. He turned to Rey then, just as she was catching her breath. 

“Thats what I’ve been meaning to tell you,” he paused in his anger and looked at her seriously. “The Force - for the past couple of months, I’ve felt it. I didn’t know what it was. But I know now. I can feel you there, Rey.”

Rey’s eyes widened and she froze, feeling it now, his presence, his burgeoning strength in the Force. It was new, but so strong. How had she not felt it before now?

“Finn,” she felt breathless once more. If this had been any other time she would have thrown her arms around his neck in pure joy. 

His expression had softened when he told her, but now it had hardened once more. He gripped her by the arm and looked back at Poe. “Ren is here. He’s weak. We can take him.”

Poe, nodded firmly. “I’ll get Chewie, we’ve got to-“

The two of them went back and forth for what felt like an eternity. “Stop,” she tried, putting her hand on each of their shoulders, but they ignored her, continuing on with their plan of capturing and killing the other half of her.

_Who do you think it will be?_

_  
What?_ Ben’s calm voice was so out of place compared to the panic in her mind.

_That kills me. Who do you think it will be? The pilot? Or the stormtrooper? They both have their reasons, but I’d put my money on-_

“Shut up!” Rey shouted, realizing too late that it had been out loud. For once, she had the attention of both of the men, their eyes wide at the fierceness in her voice. “Listen to me. You can’t-”

“Rey, It’s fine. He hasn’t moved, and he’s weak, I can tell. If we get enough of us together, he won’t be able to-“

Rey shook her head, “You don’t understand.”

Finn grabbed her shoulders and searched her eyes, “He’s never going to hurt you again. I promise.”

“Finn, _listen_ to me,” she begged, with everything she had in her. Her voice was quieter than she hoped it would have been when she finally said the words, “You can’t touch him. I- I won’t let you.”

Finn’s hands dropped to his sides, but it was Poe who spoke, “What do you mean, _you won’t let us_?”

There was silence in the clearing. Rey stood up straighter, feeling more eyes on her now. Rose, Maz. _Chewie._

“I brought him here.”

She could feel Ben, frozen in her mind, waiting on every word, just like everyone staring at her now as if she had spontaneously sprung two more heads.

“I wanted to tell you before,” Her mouth was dry, she had to lick her lips before continuing, her newly alive heart beating far too fast, “Before you found out. I have to explain it to you. I need you,” she looked around, “I need you _all_ to understand.”

She’d never heard the camp so quiet.

_It’s alright_ , he told her softly, _try_.

She took a breath to be sure her voice was even before she spoke. “Kylo Ren is dead. The man left behind is the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo. I know many of you know this,” she looked over to Chewie before continuing, trying not to see the pain in his eyes, “But most of you don’t know the things he’s done to-“

“To you,” Finn interrupted, furiously confused, “And us. _All_ of us. He tortured Poe. He almost killed me. He kidnapped you, tortured you, tried to kill you how many times? He killed his own father, Rey!”

“You don’t understand,” she tried again, “Please let me finish.”

Finn looked like he was ready to run at any second, but waited, thankfully, for her.

“He saved me. Twice,” her voice was louder now as she gained confidence. They had to see. She had to make them see. “He killed Snoke. But not for the reasons you might think. He did it to save me.” Finn narrowed his eyes at her, she’d never told him that part, and for all of it to come out now must have seemed like a betrayal. But she had to try. “And just now, as I went to Exegol to face Palpatine alone, he was _there_. Without him, you would all be dead. Palpatine would have succeeded and the Sith would have lived on taking over everything we’ve been fighting against for so long. But he was there,” her voice wavered and she felt Ben tug softly at their bond, “for me. And without him, I wouldn’t be standing here before you. There would be nothing to celebrate. We all would have been destroyed,” she looked down at her hands, not knowing what else to say, “I know the things he’s done. He does too. But he’s changed. The dark, it holds no power over him anymore.” She knew that would be difficult for some to understand. She had to be more realistic. “Please. He is hurt. And I need help,” her voice quieted then, she knew she was reaching some of them, she felt it. She could feel the pain in Chewie more than anyone else, but it wasn’t only anger he felt. She felt the change in the air. She felt Leia closer than ever. She looked at Finn, tears that had come out of nowhere threatening to fall from her eyes.

“Finn, I _died_. And he brought me back. He gave me his life.” Finn blinked at her, more confused than ever. “And then I brought him back.”

“Why?” His eyes were wild, “Why would you do that, Rey?”

She felt alone with him now, even with so many people watching. She searched his eyes, hoping she wouldn’t have to say the words, hoping he would understand.

She saw it click in his head. The realization. The shock. And then all too quickly, the disgust. 

He stepped away from her as if she were something toxic. “How could you?”

“Finn,” she begged, once more, but he was already gone, turning and walking slowly away from her deeper into the camp.

She looked to Poe who seemed so lost that he had no words to say.

“Rey,” she felt a tug on her hand, and she turned. Rose, her sweet, dear friend, her eyes soft and tender as Rey finally let the tears fall, “What can I do?”

Rey sniffed, still ignoring the rest of the eyes on her, “I need help. And I can’t fix him on my own.”

-

Rose helped her gather the medical supplies Ben needed. She searched her old things and found the Jedi texts and gathered them, knowing she would need to flip through them immediately to see what she could do to make the two of them stronger again. She just didn’t know where to bring him. If she brought Ben through camp, there was no saying what people would do, even after her explanation. She knew she had to talk to Chewie privately. She was already regretting not going to him first. She knew Chewie didn't hate him, but she didn't know how quickly he would be able to forgive him. Secondly, she wondered whether he would help her with Ben. She doubted Ben would let her carry him in on a stretcher, but maybe with their combined strength, they could force him into it.

Rey was so lost in her head, so hurt by Finn’s reaction, that it took Ben several times to get her attention.

_Rey. Bit of a problem._

She stood up straight, dropping the last book into Rose’s quick hands. She reached out and she felt it.

Finn’s spike of anger. His determination. The horror of his murderous intent.

“No,” and she ran.

It didn’t take her long to catch up to him, as he was searching for Ben through his new connection to the Force and didn’t know just exactly where he was.

“Finn! You can’t!” He ignored her as she kept up behind him. “Please! He’s hurt!” 

It was like talking to a wall. They were almost there, if she didn’t stop him now - she couldn’t even finish the thought.

“I was _dead_ , Finn! He saved my life!”

“I don’t care!” The brutality of his words made her falter, but she didn’t stop.

Too soon, the TIE came into view through the thick vegetation of the jungle. The hatch was open. Ben had pulled himself out to the top of the ship.

“Finn, _don’t_!”

The shot from Finn’s blaster very nearly missed Ben’s head. Rey grabbed his arm and wrenched it back with everything she had. But Finn was faster, angrier - darker. She was off her feet in the same moment. The Force, wielded by Finn, had been clumsy, but powerful enough to send her back several yards. She fell with a thud, her head smacking sharply against the roots of a tree.

A mistake.

Through a foggy mind, she was still able to see it. As soon as she had hit the ground, Finn was lifted off of it. His blaster fell into the grass beneath him as his hands reached up to grip this throat. 

Rey turned and saw Ben, his face shaded in an all too familiar darkness as he held his hand out and tried to choke the life out of her best friend.

Her voice cracked when she screamed, “ _Ben!_ ”

Finn hit the ground in a choking heap. Rey crawled to him, closing the distance between them, too weak to stand. Finally, she reached him and clambered over to him. 

“Finn! Breathe! Are you okay? Tell me you’re okay!”

It took another minute, his eyes wide and unseeing, but eventually he caught his breath and was able to sit up on his elbows. His voice croaked, raw and harsh. For the first time, in all the time she knew him, he was afraid of her. 

“ _Ben?_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, that didn't go the way we'd hoped. Think our lovely little Reylo is going to be welcome now? THINK AGAIN. (You should know where this is headed if you read the summary.)
> 
> Hope this wasn't too bad. Thank you all so much for all of the comments and kudos. It means so much to me you have no idea. Makes this whole grieving thing a lot more bearable.
> 
> Anyway, for those of you that celebrate, I hope you have a Merry Christmas tomorrow. I won't be posting tomorrow, but hope to do so the day after. 
> 
> See you soon, and let me know what you think about this whole mess!


	4. Please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me why I can't stay off of tumblr. I'm torturing myself with these GIFs and beautiful works of fanart and I am reliving the worst parts of the film and its genuinely making me miserable. It is just so upsetting. I want to love the movie. I've loved Star Wars since I was 8 years old when my mom took me to see episode one and I am just so hurt that I feel like I have to hate this one.
> 
> Anyway, since I'm obviously deranged, I'm going to see it again today. Maybe I'll walk out right before the end so I don't have to see it again. Or maybe I'll just sob through the credits like I did last week.
> 
> Sorry, ignore my rambling and take this short chapter. This fic is the only way I'm getting through.

Rey’s head spun furiously, but it was Finn’s revulsion of her that made her want to be sick.

Through the haze of her clouded mind, she could see Poe running toward them through the trees.

Finn pushed away from her just in time for Poe to catch him by the shoulders. “What happened?”

“ _Ren_ ,” Finn coughed out.

Poe looked at Rey with wide, horrified eyes. “Why did you bring him here, Rey? What were you thinking?”

Rey shook her head and shut her eyes, “No, you don’t -you don’t understand.”

She wanted to defend Ben. She wanted to explain that she understood they were angry, but they had no reason to be anymore. She wanted to explain that he wouldn’t have done anything to hurt anyone if _Finn_ hadn’t attacked him first. If Finn hadn’t thrown her with the Force! But by the look on the faces of the men who had once been her only friends in the world, she knew that they weren’t even going to be able to listen to a word she said, let alone understand any of it.

Rey could feel her skin prickle at the back of her neck.

_This wasn’t supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen._

Poe was helping Finn to stand. Rey had to reach for the trunk of a nearby tree to help her get her feet beneath her.  The back of her head pounded sharply from where it had hit the ground. She reached a hand out, unable to move her feet toward them just yet.

“Please. Finn,” but he was already turning away from her, “Poe?”

But Poe just shook his head at her sadly, before pulling Finn’s arm over his shoulder and turning away.

“Wait,” she begged weakly, “Come back,” but she knew they couldn’t even hear her. Rey wanted to chase after them. She wanted them to argue with her. She wanted them to want her to stay so badly that they would put up with the fact that she brought the one person they hated more than anyone else in the galaxy into their inner circle.  But she was barely standing on her own two feet. She let her head fall to the side to rest against the tree that held her up as she watched them go. She’d never felt so helpless in all her life.

Only once the sound of their footsteps dissipated from her hearing did she realize how quiet it was.

“Ben,” she gasped, pushing away from the tree. He’d been silent and it was only just then that she’d noticed, now that they were totally and completely alone. She turned back to the TIE. The last time she looked for him, he’d been atop the TIE, choking the life out of her friend. But he wasn’t there. Rey moved as quickly as her heavy legs could carry her, which wasn’t saying much. She climbed slowly to the top of the still-open hatch and peered inside. Panic, and then relief flooded through her in almost the same instant. Ben was back in the cockpit, crumpled unnaturally into the seat she’d left him in. He’d fallen, it was clear, losing consciousness after releasing too much power that he didn’t have in himself anymore. His leg, twisted in the fall, looked even worse than before. But at least he wasn’t conscious to feel it. She let out a sigh of relief and her head fell in her hands, “You idiot.”

“Rey?” The timid sound of Rose’s voice in the distance made her head snap up. She was coming through the trees, into the little clearing where Rey’s world had just split in two. It was with a shock that she noticed Chewie’s hulking form following behind her.

Rey hopped down from the TIE and went over to them, trying to hold her pounding head up. 

Rose carried a heavy bag that seemed to be stuffed to the seams.

“We put these together for you,” Rose’s cheeks warmed with what Rey took as a an ashamed redness as she placed the bag at her feet. Rey knelt and opened it. Blankets. Some clothes. Rations. Med supplies. Rey looked up at her, blinking, understanding. Poor Rose. She didn’t want to have to be the one to do it, but since they had obviously just heard what Ben had done, she must have sensed it was for the best.

Chewie was uncharacteristically silent beside Rose, looking everywhere but at the TIE in which laid the boy he’d once loved. The boy who killed his best friend.

He put the heavy box he carried on the ground next to the bag. The Jedi texts. 

Rey felt her eyes fill as she looked up at him, “I’m sorry, Chewie.” She didn’t know what she was apologizing for. For Han. For Ben’s mistake. And if this was how they were deciding to see it, her betrayal of the rebel family they had all been together.

Still silent, Chewie reached out to her and pulled her in for another hug. The contrast in the one he gave her earlier in the day was stark.

That had been a welcome home. This was a goodbye.  She pulled away before she soaked his chest with tears. 

Rose grabbed her the second Chewie let go, squeezing her with a strength that rivaled the Wookiee’s. Rey might have laughed, if she had anything left in her. She only pulled away instead.

Rey looked at Rose and back at Chewie. In their kindness, their message was clear. 

_You should go. Take him away. We don’t want him here._

Rey nodded as if they had said the words aloud. Ben was right. She should never have come. S he pulled the bag over her shoulder and managed to lift the texts in her hands.

By the time she’d managed to squeeze their new belongings in the limited space the TIE afforded, Rose and Chewie had gone.

Rey blinked hard, finally letting her tears fall, grateful that Ben was unconscious, as she closed the hatch above them. She set the memorized course in the nav in front of her and lifted off of the ground. Her eyes searched the empty jungle clearing around her. She was alone, once more.

But then she sensed the warmth of the man behind her and let that feeling flood through her cold and aching body.

_No_ , she thought, _not alone_.

-

Could it only have been less than a day since she’d left? When she flew over the still smoking remains of Ben’s TIE, she knew it to be true.

Rey landed the ship as close as possible to the huts and opened the hatch. Her head was still spinning and she was deliriously tired. But she couldn’t rest. Not yet.

Once she settled her feet onto the ground, felt the clean ocean air around her, it felt easier. She had a little bit of strength left. She rose up to her full height, feeling the steady ground beneath her, feeling the Force surround her, within her. She closed her eyes and raised her hand before her.

Ben’s limp, heavy body lifted carefully out of the open hatch of the TIE and into the air. Her whole arm shook with the effort of it, but it was working. She could hear the apprehensive murmurs of the Caretakers as they gathered behind her to watch the spectacle. After what seemed like a lifetime, she pulled Ben close to her and laid him gently down on the grass before her, holding his head in her hands before it could hit the ground. She let go then, and fell to her knees, still holding him close.

Two of the Caretakers stepped around the two huddled bodies and came close. One of them knelt across from Rey, her strange grey hand resting against Ben’s shattered leg. Rey looked up at her with the last bit of strength she had. 

“Please,” she heard herself beg, before the breath went out of her and everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And let the healing begin. 
> 
> More tomorrow. (He'll be awake, don't worry)
> 
> Edit 4:49 on 12/27: I'm a total jerk and don't think I'll have time to finish it tonight. BUT I will absolutely have it tomorrow if I don't have it tonight. I'm sorry.


	5. As Long as We Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deeply apologize for underestimating how long this chapter would have taken me. I hope to post tomorrow as well, but I am unable to make that a promise. For posting updates, follow me on tumblr: fancykidmd. :)
> 
> Personal note, feel free to ignore: I saw the movie a second time the other day. I have to say, I did like it better. Up until the end that is. I'm trying, really trying, not to be so negative about it because it just doesn't feel good, you know what I mean? I'm going to try to put that effort and energy into writing this beast. 
> 
> Also, unpopular opinion, but at the end of the film, when Rey goes to Tatooine, does anyone else see that as Rey merely stopping by the bury the sabers and pay tribute to the two people that trained her before moving on with her life and returning to her friends? I saw absolutely no indication that she will be staying there for good by herself. Like none at all. So I really don't understand why everyone is taking it that way and I refuse to believe that is how her story ends in canon. Anyone agree?
> 
> I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. Seeing it again in three hours.
> 
> Anyway, onto more important things: Our babies have their first Ahch-To conversation here. They're both awake and clean and together. Nice little sappy 2,400 words for ya before the angst comes back in.

_So lonely._

The days and weeks she’d gone without uttering a word to another soul.

_So afraid to leave._

Staring up into the desert night sky, alive with stars, each one warming a new world she would never see, could never even dream about.

_At night, desperate to sleep._

Tossing in turning in what passed for the only bed she could make for herself, her mind awake and afraid, remembering the pile of bones she came across in her scavenging that morning. Knowing one day, hers would be in the sand along with them.

_Rey._

Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.

_Rey?_

“Ben?” Rey woke with a start, her heart thundering in her chest, the rough spun blanket beneath her soaked with sweat even as the cold air sent a shiver down her spine.

_Are you okay?_

He wasn’t there. But he was close. She laid back against the pallet, breathless and still shivering.

_Tell me you’re okay._

She put her hand over her eyes, forcing herself to calm down. _I’m okay._

She felt him relax, but only slightly. He was still on edge. _Something was wrong. You were in pain or scared. But I couldn’t tell what it was._

She let out a sigh of relief. He hadn’t seen. Thank the Force. She took another breath, thankful that each one was coming easier. _It was just a dream._ With a decent amount of effort, she pushed all of those old thoughts away and changed the subject. _Where are you?_

_In a hut,_ he told her simply. _Where are you?_

_In a different hut._ Another thought. _Are you hurt badly?_

_Yes._ She shut her eyes and grimaced at his matter-of-factness. _Healing though, I think._

_Can you walk?_

_No._ She flinched again. _Not yet, anyway._

_Okay. I’ll come to you._

_I’ll be waiting._

Rey’s eyes widened at his tone, dark and inexplicably alluring. He probably didn’t even know the effect the sound of his voice had on her, not that he could help it anyway.

She took a moment then to gather her thoughts and take in her surroundings. 

The last thing she remembered was crying over Ben’s broken body, one of the caretakers approaching her, before everything went black. Now it was day. She didn’t know which day, but time had obviously passed. For one, she felt miraculously improved. She stretched her arms over her head, wiggled her toes under the blanket that she’d twisted around her legs in her sleep. She felt sore, but refreshed and very much alive.

It made her shiver again, knowing that for several moments, she hadn’t been.

Rey sat up slowly, taking her time. She was in the same hut she’d stayed in last time she was on Ahch-To. She could tell from the crack in the high ceiling. Obviously the caretakers hadn’t been at all pleased with Luke’s destruction of it.

Across the way, on the low bench coming from the wall, she saw her own clothes. Freshly folded and bright white against the darkness of the stone. With a start, she looked down, expecting to find herself fully exposed. But she wasn’t. She recognized the clothes she’d found in the bag Rose had packed for her. She wore a standard issue, beige, long sleeve collared shirt. Grey pants that were a little big around the waist, but would do fine in the chill of the ocean air. The caretakers must have changed her. And, she sniffed inconspicuously at herself, they’d _bathed_ her? She let out a little gasp at the realization and pulled open the collar of her shirt. She shut her eyes and felt her cheeks burn with humiliation. They’d wrapped her in a fresh and clean breast band too. 

Rey tried to push the image away and think of the positives. She was alive. Ben was alive. As much as they didn’t like her, the keepers of the island were at least taking care of the both of them. As an added plus, her skin was free of grime and dried blood. Her hair was washed, combed and free of dirt and knots for the first time since - she didn’t even know. 

She stood, walked over to her pile of things, pulled on her boots and tied her hair back into her three familiar buns, feeling a bit more like herself.

_Okay,_ she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes _. So, not bad, everything considered._

_Hmm?_ Ben’s response was immediate, but distracted and unfocused.

Rey blinked, forgetting how closely they were connected now. She would have to be more careful. _Sorry. Talking to myself. Be right there._

_Great_ , he answered in the same absentminded tone. _And when you do, would you mind telling me exactly where we are?_

-

Even given the window in her hut, Rey hadn’t been prepared for the brightness of the late morning sunlight that shone on the island. She blinked several times before she could even take another step. 

When she could finally see in front of her, she noticed several pairs of the strange Lanai eyes on her. She smiled awkwardly at them, giving an even more awkward wave. They just kept staring.

“Um, th- thank you,” she stuttered stupidly, putting her hand to her chest. With that, thankfully, they merely turned away and continued at their work. 

Rey shook her head and moved carefully down the steps to the closest of the caretakers. “Ex- excuse me. Would you please tell me where Ben,” the caretaker blinked at her as she stammered, “where the um, man, that I um, brought-”

She lifted her grey hand lazily in the direction of a hut across the way.

Rey nodded in gratitude, “thank you. Thank you very much,” before she scurried away toward the hut.

With each step, her awareness of him became stronger and more potent. She understood, belatedly, she didn’t even have to ask where he was. She _knew_. All she had to do was reach out and she would always know. The thought was equally both reassuring and disconcerting. It would take some getting used to, the power of their new and intimate bond.

Rey knocked on the heavy metal door, her heart beating stupidly in her chest. The door opened so swiftly that she pictured him standing on the other side, waiting to usher her in. But of course he wasn’t standing. He’d used the Force from where he lay.

“So I take it you’re not an expert on the local language.”

Rey froze in the doorway and stared. _Ben_.

He was awake, clean, whole, alive _._ And _light_. 

His thick, dark hair, like hers, had been washed and brushed. There was no dirt or blood anywhere on him, so far as she could see. His shirt, clearly provided by Rose, was collared, also like hers, but with pockets on the front. It was light grey. And maybe half a size too small. 

“What are you staring at?” 

Her eyes snapped up to his, immediately ashamed. But the way his jaw worked in obvious discomfort of her gaze made her feel mildly better about it.

She rocked back on her heels and folded her arms in front of her, feigning indifference. “First time I’ve ever seen you in anything but black.”

“Yeah well,” he looked down back at the open book on his lap, “that wardrobe was damaged, remember?” He continued as she took a seat on the wooden stool next to him. “When you stabbed me with my own saber,” he murmured, casually turning a page.

Rey froze again. He must have felt the panic in her signature.

“That was my attempt at a joke,” he looked up at her, seriously.

Rey stared down at her hands, “I think you’re going to need some practice with that.”

Ben shrugged, turning back to the book, “You’re probably right.”

He laid in a pallet, the same as her own, but it was barely big enough to fit his massive frame. Sitting up, as he was, a pillow behind his back to cushion him from the stone wall, his legs still threatened to hang off the end of the bed. There were extra blankets under his broken leg, his whole one bent at the knee, balancing close to his chest as he held a book close to him.

“What are you reading?”

“Your Jedi texts.”

Part of her couldn’t believe what she was seeing. This was Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. Her mind fought against it. It didn’t fit. Seeing him here on Ahch-To. No mask. No gloves or cape. No black. No _anger_. Sitting there, skimming through the sacred Jedi texts as if he hadn’t been trying to destroy every last trace of the Jedi for near half his life. Up until the other day, that was.

But, the thought was gone in the same second as it had come. Yes, that was the person he _had_ been. But then, that person was gone. While her mind struggled with the newness of it all, in her heart, it only made sense. He’d come. He’d come back. For _her_. He fought to get to her side. He fought by her side. He’d _saved_ her from turning dark. And then he brought her back from the ultimate darkness. _This_ was the man she’d seen in her visions. The one she’d hoped for in her dreams. Back on Exegol, she’d held him. She’d _kissed_ him. _Kriff_ , she couldn’t think about that now. She had to speak of something else before he caught on to where her thoughts were headed.

She cleared her throat, gesturing to the book. “Have you ever seen them?”

He nodded, quiet, and turned another page. The silence that enveloped them as they simultaneously peered at the image of the Sith Wayfinder was heavier than a wet woolen blanket. It was several moments before either of them spoke. 

Ben was first. “This was how you knew?”

She merely nodded, knowing he would sense her answer even if she didn’t speak.

His finger traced the marks that were supposedly words that held meaning, though it made no sense to her. “Do you know what any of this says?

“No,” she swallowed, embarrassed, “Do _you_?”

He shrugged modestly, “A bit.”

She let out a little huff of breath. He was just being kind. _Of course_ he knew what it all said. Out of the two of them, he was the only one that had been trained properly in the ways of the Jedi.

He looked up at her then, narrowing his eyes slightly as he watched her. She cleared her throat again, her skin prickling with the intensity of his stare. “It’s all very interesting, don’t you think? I didn’t know how it would even work until I got my hands on one but it was actually a lot easier than I would have thought to -”

“Rey,” he interrupted, closing the book with a heavy thud on his lap.

Her eyes widened, as she made herself hold his gaze, “Yes?”

“It’s good to see you,” and he smiled.

She lost her breath again. It was only the second time she’d seen him smile, but she was certain it was the singular most beautiful thing she’d ever seen in her entire life. She couldn’t help but return it with one of her own. Her voice was quiet, “It’s good to see you, too.”

Ben seemed to relax even more with that and with effort, she felt herself letting go, letting herself to feel some comfort in the warmth of his presence.

“So,” he swallowed, breaking the solemnity of the moment, “I haven’t seen anything outside of this hut. Where are we?”

She breathed, and settled in for the explanation. “The planet is called Ahch-To. The island, fittingly referred to as Temple Island is apparently the sight of the first -”

“Jedi Temple?”

“Yes,” she nodded.

“This is the same island that you used to -”

“Dream of?” She raised her eyebrow, “Yes.”

“Where _Luke -_ ” his voice was still sharp over his uncle’s name.

“Lived in solitude for years, yes.”

Where she saw him though their bond for the first time. Where she realized he was more than the monster that had murdered his father. When she called for him and he came for her. Where they touched hands over lightyears apart. Where she saw what would become of him. When he saw that he would turn for her.

Ben’s words, interrupted her reverie, “And the creatures that put me in here?”

“They’re called Lanai. Caretakers of the island and the temple.” Her eyes shifted to the open window where she heard their quiet muttering as they worked outside. “I’m afraid they don’t like me very much.”

Ben narrowed his eyes, questioning, “How so?”

She shrugged, stuttering, “During my last stay here, I, I broke quite a few things.”

He smirked at her, seemingly on the edge of laughter. Rey knew if he laughed at her now she wouldn’t be able to handle the humiliation. But _oh_ how she wanted to hear what it would sound like. He was able to hold it back though, “Well they can’t hate you all that much, seeing the way they’ve obviously spent time to fix us both up.”

She nodded, “From what I understand, they see it as their duty to aid any Jedi in need.” Her eyes flashed up to his as soon as she heard what she’d said. She’d referred to the both of them with that sentence. If he thought anything peculiar about it, though, she couldn’t say.

Ben’s eyes were serious again, his voice careful, “How long will they let us stay?”

With that, Rey felt herself smile. She didn’t know what the future, what life, what the Force now held for them, even a day from now. She thought, regretfully, that she didn’t know how long it would take her friends to forgive her or even the next time she would see them. She didn’t know exactly what Ben wanted, let alone what she herself wanted. She didn’t know how to be alone in a room with the man without him sending her heart into a furious gallop.

But she knew the Sith had been defeated. The war had been won. Ben had turned for her. They were alive. And they were together. 

She reached out and put her hand over his, letting the warmth of him seep through to her aching bones. And she answered him, “As long as we need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't forget, when I say there will be a happy ending, I mean it. But these two are going to be on their own for a while and I hope that is okay for all of you.
> 
> I'd love to know what you think! Thank you, as always for reading and commenting. It's all that is getting me through these darkest of times for our ship!


	6. A Bad Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personal note: I've seen TROS three times now, and while I'm still disgusted by the ending and sloppiness, I think I've reached the point where I can enjoy it without getting furiously angry. Which is progress, I think. I know I can just hate it and ignore it and never watch it again, I just love the Skywalker saga so much that I can't help myself. I need to not be so negative about it, so I'm just going to focus the positivity here.
> 
> Well, here meaning this story, not this chapter so much. I told you all there would be angst, and it has certainly arrived. 
> 
> Ben is a bit of a jerk here, he doesn't really know how not to be yet. And Rey does something stupid, but don't worry, next chapter we'll patch things up again. They just need to have it all out before things can get easier.

“That was such a bad idea, Ben.”

He shrugged weakly, panting next to her, “I’ve had worse.”

Rey rolled her eyes, wanting so badly to just push him off of her, “I never should have let you talk me into it,” she rumbled through her gritted teeth.

“You know it was fun. For a while anyway.”

“Fun! Have you lost your mind?”

“Not yet,” he grunted, pulling away from her to fall heavily on his pallet. 

Rey made sure he was sitting up comfortably before addressing the problem at hand, “You’re impossible.”

“No, I’m _bored_. I’ve been shut up in this hut for almost a week. I had to get out.”

“It _doesn’t matter_. You aren’t strong enough yet, I told you that.” She swatted his hand away from the fresh injury. “Move. Let me fix it.” Same leg, different bone.

His hand came back and settled over hers, stopping her. His voice was quiet now, gentle, with no hint of teasing, “You’re not strong enough yet either. You know it.”

Rey looked up at him, the anger in her eyes not fading, even with the softness in his. 

She pulled her hands away and stood up swiftly, turning away from him. She hated that he was right. 

She’d been meditating, trying to reconnect herself to the Force. But something was holding her back. She couldn’t do anything more than pull objects to her or make a few pebbles float. As full of the Jedi as she had felt back on Exegol, she’d never felt so disconnected from anything. Except for Ben, that was.

His voice interrupted her thoughts. “I think they left the Bacta spray on the shelf over there,” he told her, asking for it in his own indirect way.

She found it among the med supplies the Caretakers had been treating him with and tossed it to him. Weak as he was, he was still able to catch it. She turned away again as he pulled up his pant leg to reveal the injury. “Look. Just like I said,” he confirmed behind her, “Not broken. Just twisted.” 

Reluctantly, she turned and watched him, her brow wrinkled in frustration as he sprayed the already swollen joint with bacta. She shook her head, “A twisted ankle on top of a newly healed leg-”

“It’ll be better in no time,” he interrupted, he tossing the bacta back to her, “You’ll see.” Ben gestured toward the stool next to his pallet, the place she’d been spending a good amount of time in the last few days. “What was that thing anyway?” He asked, breathing evenly now, resting his tired head against a pillow.

Rey sat on the stool and scooted over close to him, still miffed, “What was what?”

Ben waved a hand to the open door, “The thing that tripped me.”

She huffed, pushing the wisps of damp hair out of her eyes, “It’s a porg.”

Ben narrowed his eyes at her, genuinely curious, “But what is it?”

“A bird, I think,” she muttered.

Ben smirked at her, “Not very bright creatures, are they?”

Rey couldn’t stop the smile that lifted to her lips, “You have no idea. When we were last here, they were so annoying that, Chewie and I, we had to-” The smile on her face died when she heard herself say it. Her eyes were wide, staring at Ben. Waiting for his reaction, wishing she could take back the last three seconds.

She watched him closely, seeing the familiar twitch under his eye that she hadn’t noticed since he came back for her. Suddenly, he leaned forward, watching her intently.

Rey cleared her mind, unsure of exactly where this conversation was headed, but certain she didn’t want it to continue.

“Somethings been wrong. Has been since we got here,” His voice sent a chill down her spine. It was all wrong. It was the voice she used to hate, the one that told her he knew far too much about her. The one that reminded her he’d once invaded the private reaches of her mind as she was strapped up in an interrogation room. These things were strangely easy to forget. Most of the time, anyway. Ben tilted his head at her, “You’re upset.” His eyes narrowed further as he saw it, “You’re upset with _me_.”

And she saw it too. Finn’s feet kicking inches off the ground, the Force, _Ben_ choking the life out of him. She couldn’t help in the way she snapped at him, “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“He shouldn’t have _thrown_ you,” he answered her back with as much ferocity.

“I know,” her voice was harsh, she made herself take a breath. They were arguing. She didn't want to argue with him. She didn't know what would be let out if she did. They hadn’t talked of any of this since they’d come to Ahch-To. Now she knew why. She didn’t like thinking of Ben as the man he used to be. The man he was for years and years, up until a few days ago. She swallowed, trying to keep calm, trying to explain, “But he, _Finn,_ he was afraid for me. The last time he saw you we were fighting. Again. You can’t blame him for that,” She shook her head, needing him to understand, “I don’t want you to think of him as-”

“I don’t have of think of _him_ at all,” Ben interrupted her with a cool matter-of-factness that made her recoil.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Spell it out for me,” every nerve was alive with irritation. If she hadn’t known any better, it could have been a year ago. When they we’re connected across lightyears. When she hated him. When she ignored everything inside of her that told her she shouldn’t. 

Ben looked away from her, ever so slightly shaking his head. “Rey, what did you think was going to happen? When you brought me to your friends?” He turned back to her, “What was it that you _wanted_ to happen?”

Her hands had clenched into fists. She forced them open and laid them carefully in her lap, trying to remain calm, “I wanted them to listen to me. To believe in what I know to be true. About you.”

“Rey,” his voice was softer now, though it made her no less angry. “They’ll never be able to listen.”

“You told me to try,” her teeth ground together.

“For you. For you to see that no matter what the truth is, no matter how hard you try to explain it,” She stood up, the stool falling in her haste. “They don’t know me. They’ll never be able to understand. Not the way you do.”

She faced the stone wall, feeling his eyes boring into her back, “They don’t need to. I just needed them to see that you’re not a-”

“A monster,” she spun around to him, to see his head fall back against the pillow in exhaustion. From pain or the conversation, she didn’t know. His voice was still soft as his eyes started to drift, “To them, I’ll always be a monster.”

She breathed in sharply, blinking at him, “But it’s not true.”

He shrugged weakly, “I have no place among them. I never could, no matter how fiercely you want to defend me,” he looked away for a moment, his jaw working as he thought, “Before you get too upset, there’s something you should realize about your friends, Rey. Something I don’t think you’ve thought of.”

She crossed her arms, “What is that?”

His eyes closed for a moment longer than a blink, “The war is won. They’re already rebuilding peace in the galaxy. But you’re here. With me.”

“And?”

“And, if they needed you, they would have followed you. But, the war is over. And as their best fighter, you’re not needed anymore.”

She shook her head, backing further away from him, “You don’t know anything about-”

“No, you don’t see. You, you did your part. We both did. It turned the tide and they won. Because of you. And now they don’t need you. You’re not obligated to anyone but yourself. You’re free of them.”

She stepped closer to him, “You say that like it’s a good thing,” she croaked out, hating the way her voice sounded.

He caught her hand in his, so quickly, she gasped. “It is,” his expression wasn’t unkind, just honest, “The sooner you come to accept it the better,”

Rey yanked her hand out of his grasp. Her voice was cool, and not her own, “You need to rest.”

The corner of his mouth lifted up in another smirk that she wanted to wipe right back off, “Don’t be upset, Rey-"

Before she could stop herself, she bent over to him, her hand finding the side of his face. Ben let out a short breath of what might have been a laugh, seeing what she was doing even before she did. He leaned into her hand, watching her closely. She bent to his ear and whispered, “Don’t tell me what to feel.”

His head fell heavy against her hand. She straightened and slipped her hand away, letting him rest against the pillow.

Rey’s eyes widened as she realized what she’d done. She looked at her hand. She could feel the minimal power she’d used retreating back into her. She wiped her hand against her leg and turned to go, closing the door shut behind her. 

She stopped short, a porg chirping in fright as it flew from her path. 

Rey growled under her breath and kept on the trail, stalking away from the huts and up the mountain. She knew it was wrong, forcing him to sleep, forcing him to leave her be. But he pushed her, just like he used to. He knew what he was doing. He was wrong for doing it. He was wrong in saying what he did. 

She felt guilty, but as she fled further away, she realized it. All she could hear was the sound of the wind. The ocean crashing against the rocks below. For once, her mind was quiet with her thoughts and her thoughts alone. 

Rey stopped on the path, staring out into the turning sea and sat, falling heavily on one of the stone steps. She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face against the wind. It was there, finally, that she let the tears fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, not a very happy note to leave you before the new year, but there is so much good to come!! I feel that they've both been ignoring the elephant in the room for the last several days with each other and they'll need to confront each other on certain things before they can move forward in this story and I hope you're all okay with that! This is just the start.
> 
> Thank you all for healing my broken reylo heart with your kudos and comments. It really has helped so so much. 
> 
> I hope you all have the happiest New Year and I'll be back soon with a more healing update!


	7. I Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3,065 words to make up for my delay in posting. I hate to say it, but this schedule is more realistic now that I am back to teaching books that aren't Star Wars related. But hopefully they'll be longer like this one.
> 
> Got some Rey contemplation and then soft!Reylo for ya.

If someone from this day could go back in time to tell Rey what her life now was, she wouldn’t believe them.

She had discovered who her parents were, where she came from. She learned that they had loved her. Loved her so much that they sacrificed themselves to protect her. The war was won. Her friends were safe. The Sith destroyed. She should have had all she ever wanted. But she was not with the resistance, the victors, her friends. The people she loved. 

She was with the man who had so recently been Kylo Ren. The man who had given everything up for her. The man who came back for her and saved her life. The man who, somehow, made up the other half of her soul.

But she was heartbroken. Absolutely shattered. Her life was turned upside down and she never felt so completely alone in all her life.

Rey hadn’t given it any thought, what she might do after the war. She just tried so hard to train, to reach the Jedi that came before, to please Leia, and to fit into every day life with the resistance that she hadn’t thought of what would come after. She didn’t even let herself rely on the dream that there _would_ be an after. There was only ever one thing on her mind at a time, only one thing she would allow herself to focus on. Each new task she fought with everything she had.

_Survive._

_Escape._

_Find Skywalker._

_Turn Ben Solo._

_Find Exegol._

_Destroy Palpatine._

_Save Ben._

Rey had done all of these things. But never did she afford herself the time to think of what would come after the fight. Giving herself the space to think on it now, she would have stayed with the resistance. Of course she would have. She would have found a new life, a new role among them, she was sure.

But how helpful could a Jedi warrior be in a peace-seeking galaxy. She could hear Ben’s voice clear in her head. Her job was finished. The Sith defeated. What work remained was for diplomats and rulers. Senators and citizens.

Not her.

But Finn. Poe. Rose. _They_ would have a place, of that there was no question. They were all made for that life. Rose was an expert mechanic and could fix anything anyone asked her to. No doubt she would find herself a distinguished position somewhere. Poe, so much more than a pilot now, would lead in some capacity. And Finn, it might be harder for him to find a specific place, but he’d fit in so much quicker with the resistance than she had. Only now he knew the Force. She shuttered at the thought of him going through it all alone, as she had. She would have helped him. They would have learned, practiced together.

But he let her go. They all let her go. So quickly. So easily.

She could still remember the warmth of the embrace that Poe and Finn held her in so tightly. But the memory was brushed away instantly by the cold disgust on their faces only moments later. Rey had felt wrong for leaving them, wrong for making them think of her in such a way. She wanted so badly to reach out to them if she could, to try and explain everything again. But Ben was right. They didn’t follow her. They didn’t even ask where she was going.

And they had been her family. The only one she’d ever known.

But they hadn’t known her. Not really. It wasn’t completely their fault, though. She hadn’t let them. Finn tried to break beyond her walls, he tried to understand, tried to help her. But she’d been so closed in, so afraid.

A thought ran through her mind, soft as a whisper - had she made the right choice? She shook her head, the thought floating away as quickly as it came. What was the other option? Leaving Ben to die? She felt sick at the thought. After he’d come to save her. After he gave her his _life_ and brought her back from beyond the stars. 

They were a dyad in the force. _What had he said?_ Two that are one. She didn’t understand it.But at the same time, it made all the sense in the world.

Wasn’t that, wasn’t _he_ , worth all of this?

She’d kissed him. Her cheeks warmed at the memory, whenever it came, unbidden. She cared for him. She did. So much. More than she would let herself think of. He understood her better than anyone and she felt she knew him better than anyone. But how did she still feel like she didn’t know him at all? She could sit and tell herself that she did all she wanted, that she knew everything there was to know about him. But there was so much missing. And how would she learn any more if she could hardly sit in a room with him before knocking him out from pure frustration.

Whatever was to come, she knew she needed to keep up her strength to face it.

Rey didn’t move until the rain began, heavy drops tapping gently on her shoulders, coaxing her out of her cocooned state. Night had fallen, and she didn’t even notice. When she pulled herself together, there were a smattering of porgs surrounding her, their head tilted in concern. She rubbed the heels of her hands over her swollen eyes. “I’m fine,” she assured them, as she stood up slowly.

By the time she made it back down to her hut, Rey was soaked through. She pulled her shirt over her head and laid it out to dry against the stone bench. She started the small fire with practiced hands, knowing it would warm her bones as she tried to sleep. She shook off her boots and wrapped herself in a blanket, not bothering to find something else to wear for sleep. She laid heavily on the pallet, her shivers calming slowly as she warmed, curled into a tight ball at her side, staring into the glow of the fire.

Ben was still asleep. She could feel it.

She didn’t know what was going to come by morning. She didn’t know how upset Ben would be with her. And worst of all, she didn’t know how long it was going to take to set things right between them.

-

_Rey._

His voice, waking her from a doze, seemed louder in her mind after so many hours of silence.

She turned over, murmuring a whine in her throat, not wanting to open her eyes and face the day. Not just yet.

“Can I come in?”

Rey bolted upright, immediately awake, the blanket falling heavy from her shoulders. So it wasn’t in her mind. He was there. Outside her door. _Kriff_ and all he had to do was to peek in the window above her to see that she was half naked. _If he hand’t already._

“Uh,” she stammered, wobbly legs scurrying to the other side of the hut where she kept her few belongings. She threw an old sleeveless shirt over her head, her words muffled as she hurried, “Just a second!”

She ran a hand over her face, getting the sleep out of her swollen eyes, knowing she must have looked a mess, but knowing he shouldn’t have to wait too long for her, standing on that bad leg.

Her eyes widened, remembering and she reached out, swinging the door open wide with the Force. “How did you get over here on your own?”

Ben was backlit against the sun, his massive frame taking over the whole of the doorway. He stepped slowly inside until she could see him. He leaned heavily on a sturdy looking piece of driftwood that had obviously been fashioned into a reliable walking stick. “They made it for me,” he shrugged, seemingly embarrassed over having to make use of such a rudimentary tool.

Rey let out a huff of laughter, “Well, they clearly have chosen a favorite.”

He smirked at that, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He scratched at his chin in the silence that came after, and Rey followed his movements. He needed a _shave_. She didn’t notice it before. She’d never seen him with a beard. She’d been around Finn a few times as he shaved the scruff from his face and neck. Ben must have done it all the time before now. Suddenly all she could see was him, shirtless in a ‘fresher mirror, ridding his face of the shadow every morning.

He narrowed his eyes at her, “Mind if I sit?”

Rey blinked and looked away from him, clearing her throat. “O-of course.”

She didn’t have a stool in her hut, and only just realized it when he sat heavily at the foot of her pallet. It was the first time he was in there with her. He looked up at her. Suddenly she, and the room, felt very small.

Rey stayed in the spot she had been when he came in. He still said nothing, even though he was the one that came for her. He just sat, watching her, waiting for her. 

She put her hands on her hips and let out a breath, steeling herself, “I shouldn’t have done what I did,” she let out a breath, “I’m sorry.”

He blinked at her, looking genuinely surprised. Maybe that wasn’t why he came here at all. 

“I don’t mind,” he rumbled softly.

She didn’t know what she was expecting, him to rage and scream like he used to? She made herself remember his face when she did it, he’d known what he was doing. He would have stopped her if he wanted to. So he wasn’t angry with her. Not about that anyway. “Got a decent night’s sleep, for once,” he continued.

Rey made herself relax as best as she could, “That makes one of us,” she muttered, crossing her arms.

His face changed. Was it concern? “Another bad dream?”

She shrugged to herself, shaking off the memories of sand and sunburns, “I don’t know if I ever had a good one.”

Ben sighed, stretching his bad leg out in front of him, making himself more comfortable. So this was going to be a long visit then. “It’s alright, you know,” he finally said.

She blinked at him, “What is?”

“You’re questioning your decision to save me,” he gave a quick nod, “It’s alright.”

She gasped, surprised he could ever think that, immediately angry with herself that she’d allowed the space for him to feel such a thing. “No,” she shook her head earnestly, “No. I’m not.”

“Then you’re questioning your decision to bring me here. To leave your friends.”

She stilled, feeling betrayed. “Please,” she whispered, not letting herself turn away from him, “ _Please_ get out of my head.”

His voice was clear, honest, “I’m not in your head. It’s written all over your face.”

Rey sighed again, not for the first time, hating her features for betraying her every thought. She moved her shirt, still damp, from the stone bench and sat across from him, hands braced against the stone on either side of her. It was a moment before she spoke again.

“I’m not questioning it. I’m just,” she breathed, keeping her eyes down, “thinking.”

“About what I said.”

“About everything,” she looked at her bare feet and waited. So did he. It was another minute before she looked up at him. “You’re not wrong. In what you said. You’re not wrong.” And then, pushing the thought across the space through their bond, _Just maybe a bit too harsh about it, is all._

Ben answered in kind. _I didn’t mean to upset you._

Her eyes widened as she stared at the packed dirt floor, sure to keep this new thought hidden. That was the closest thing to an apology she’d ever heard from him. She wondered if it was all she would ever get.She let the shock run through her before he spoke again.

“I just wanted you to see it before you let it go on too long. To give you the room to think of yourself for once. To think of what it is that _you_ want for your life.”

“It’s not anything I ever thought of - leaving them. It’s just going to take some time to get used to. Life without them,” she sniffed, “But, I’ve been alone my whole life. Shouldn’t be too hard.”

Ben’s response was immediate. “I told you once, Rey, you’re not alone,” she raised her chin to meet his eyes, “I meant it. Still do.”

She didn’t let herself look away when she answered him, “I know.”

Something flashed behind his eyes at that, but any trace of what he was thinking was gone before she could pick up on it.

He moved a hand over his jaw again and she could tell he was readying himself to say something. Something important. She waited.

“Why did you save me? The first time?”

Rey sat up straight and turned her face away. Why did he always come to her with these questions? Why was she the one that constantly had to search her mind for answers for him? When would he ever give her anything in return? She didn’t want to answer. But she knew she would.“I’d accepted it. I was ready,” he insisted, “so why did you-”

“I didn’t want you to _die_. Not even then,” her head swiveled back to meet his gaze, cutting him short, “I wanted you to come back.” She hated the way her voice shuttered with the last two words. She saw him clench his teeth and swallow. She turned away again, shaking her head, her breath coming from her nose in a stubborn huff. She didn’t want to talk about any of this anymore.

“Rey,” his voice was soft, but it usually was when he tried to get something out of her.

“What?” She all but spit out between her teeth when she looked back at him.

He let out a breath and she swore his bottom lip give the smallest of quivers, “After you healed me, after you left me there, on Kef Bir.” He stared at the ground when he said it, so low she could hardly hear it, “I saw my dad.”

Any anger, irritation or resentment she felt for him flew out the open door. She didn’t know what shocked her more. What he’d said, or the way he said it. _My dad_.

“ _Han?_ ”

Ben nodded solemnly, still staring at the ground, looking like he was barely holding it together, like he was only just starting to wrap his head around it himself.

Rey searched her mind, not sure what to say next. She thought of Master Skywalker, seeing his Force ghost here on Ahch-To. But Han wasn’t Force sensitive.

“How?”

Ben shook his head. He didn’t know.

“Was - was it really him?”

“I don’t know,” he breathed, raising his eyes to one of the stones in the wall, “Felt like it.”

Rey’s heart raced in her chest. She was sure he could hear it. “What- what did he say?”

She could see him fighting with it in his mind, warring with wanting to tell her everything and knowing it might be too much, too soon. Ben shook his head again, “Not much,” he turned to look at her, his deep brown eyes settling heavy on hers, “but enough.”

She stared at him, not knowing what to say next. Not knowing if there was anything that needed to be said. And then she saw it.

Before she could stop herself, Rey stood and strode over to him quickly. He followed her sudden movement, his chin raised, keeping his eyes on hers as she peered down at him. She could sense his hands clench in the blanket on either side of him, almost as if he was stopping himself from bringing his hands up to her hips, to pull her down to him. But his knee merely brushed against her leg. She hadn’t been this close to him, not like this, since she’d kissed him on Exegol. And she didn’t even see it then. She could only see _him_. How could she have been so blind?

“Ben,” she breathed, her heart beating loud in her ears. She was sure he could hear it now. His eyes watched her carefully, for once, not sure what she intended to do. With a slow, gentleness - as if reaching to pet a caged rathtar - she lifted her left hand and laid it on the side of his face. “Your scar. It’s gone.”

Rey could tell from his reaction that he hadn’t had the chance to notice either. He let out a shuttering breath, his massive hand rising almost immediately to cover hers. She felt a shiver run through her at the contact, his skin so warm on hers. His eyes closed and swallowed again, breathing in slowly, hiding something from her, but not letting her go. She didn’t dare move. She hardly let herself breathe. Not until he opened his eyes and found hers, his voice echoing in her mind. 

_It’s because of you._

And with the all-knowing connection of their bond, she knew. He showed her more than he would let himself say. He didn’t just mean that she had healed the scar she’d given him so long ago. Because of her, Ben was on his way to healing from so much more.

She wanted to bring him close, to wrap her arms around him, to cradle his head against her chest, to run her fingers through his thick hair, to hold him and tell him that they were going to be okay.

So she did.

Ben’s response was immediate. He let out a heavy breath, and she felt a tremor run through him as relaxed against her. His arms encircled her, tight around her waist. She let him pull her closer and closed her eyes, feeling the wall between beginning to fracture, not letting herself be afraid. _It’s okay._ She hummed through their bond, knowing it to be true with everything she had. They were together. They had one another. And for right now, that was all that mattered. _We’re going to be okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, while they're certainly a bit more comfortable with each other, please don't forget that I have tagged slow burn for this one. I'm gonna make 'em wait.
> 
> ANYWAY, let me know what you guys think if you feel so inclined! I hope your new year is off to a great start!
> 
> Update 1/11/20: Hey all, since I've been back at work, I have less and less time to work on this thing. I've been writing some stuff a little throughout the week and just sat down to write it all up. But I have to be honest with you - I hate it. It makes no sense and it just feels like a filler and I think I need more time to make it actually worth your while to read. I tend to get lazy between more major events happening in my fics and I don't want to bore anyone. The next one I post will probably end up being super long, but I think I'm going to need more time. I hope that you understand and I hope it is worth the wait when it comes.


	8. Too Tall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deeply apologize for my delay. SUCH A LONG TWO WEEKS. I have 3,264 words for you and I have to tell you it's not too exciting, but we are taking our time here, remember? Gotta be honest, probably gonna be as long for the next update. I promise you, at some point in the future - it is going to be worth it. (Apologies for any typos)
> 
> Also, I have my own theories about Force dyads that will progress the story a little bit. Hope you don’t mind!

It was one of the caretakers that broke them apart.

Rey wasn’t quite sure how long they stayed there, holding each other. Time, she felt, had stopped. All she was aware of was that she’d never felt such peace in all her life. He’d always been such a hulking menace, but her he was with his arms around her. She felt so small, as she always did when he was around, but she was not afraid. She felt safe. Balanced. _Whole_. 

Her breathing was slow and steady. It didn’t take her long to realize that Ben’s matched hers, breath for breath. Their hearts followed until they were synchronized, beat for beat. Soon it felt as though there was nothing that could break them apart. As if this was how they came into the world. How they had always been meant to live in the world. And how they would leave it. 

_Two that are one._

It wasn’t until the caretaker violently scraped a rake close to the open door that they broke away from each other, just as abruptly.

Rey flew a few steps back from him as he bolted upright, his arms heavy, hitting the pallet on either side of him. They stared at each other, Rey already feeling the loss of his warmth, of his touch. But before she could even think on it, she felt something else.

The Force. It was calling her. Up the mountain. She had to go. She opened her eyes and Ben was watching her. He felt it too.

He nodded to the unasked question he saw in her eyes, “Go.”

-

The way was easy. She knew it well. Though given the way she felt now, Rey thought she would be able to make the climb even if she had never done it before. Soon, the ancient walls of the Jedi temple rose before her.

The peace, the quiet that came over her was what she’d been missing. She walked out to the ledge feeling the warmth of the sun on her face, the cool breeze stirring her stray hair, tickling her face. She sat on the rock on top of the outcrop. She closed her eyes. He was there in an instant.

“Master Skywalker,” she said it and felt him there before she even opened her eyes.

It could have been a year ago. Her first lesson with him. Except it was so different now. He had died, giving the resistance the chance to get away, giving himself to the Force. She’d been so shocked when she first saw him this way. But now, she anticipated it, she looked for it. She turned her head and there he was. Standing in the temples shadow behind her.

His chin tilted down as he regarded her, “You have questions.”

Rey hopped off of the rock and strode over to him, arms crossed, “A few.”

Luke gave her a sideways smile and passed her, “Let me get settled then,” he uttered a groan as he sat heavily on the stone, gesturing toward her. “Have at it.”

“You say you and Leia knew. Knew I was a Palpatine.”

He gave a small nod in assent. 

Rey let out a breath, holding onto her emotions as best she could, trying not to let herself get too upset with that fact. She could deal with it later, if she even wanted to let herself think on it at all. For now, there was another pressing matter at hand. “Did you know we were a dyad in the Force?”

Luke looked away from her, not wanting to answer, clearly. But she was patient. Finally, he relented, “I had my suspicions.”

Rey shook her head, exasperated, “Then why didn’t you tell me?”

He gave her a look. One she was too familiar with. One that expressed the fact that he knew what she was going to ask, but didn’t want to answer a thing about it, knowing at the same time, that he would have to. 

She nodded, seeing it now. “You were afraid. _Again_. That I would turn to the dark.”

Luke sighed, exhausted, even in death. “The power you two have, touched by darkness,” he shook his head gravely, “It would have been a disastrous thing for the galaxy, Rey.”

Rey wasn’t surprised, so she wasn’t as angry as she might have been. Still, she couldn’t resist. “You should have trusted me. You should have trusted _us_.”

Luke said nothing. She supposed she couldn’t blame him. Rey couldn’t discern whether or not he agreed with the statement, but at least he didn’t try anymore with the excuses. As true or as frightening as they were, it still hurt. A moment passed before either of them spoke. And then another.

She sighed, straightening her shoulders, “Tell me then.”

“Tell you what?”

“Everything you know about dyads in the Force.”

Luke looked narrowly at her, “Didn’t you ask my nephew?”

Rey was taken aback by the question. Come to think of it, she hadn’t. Come to think of it, the reason was obvious. She was afraid of the answers. She cleared her throat, “We haven’t talked about it.”

He raised a quizzical brow, “I’m surprised he hasn’t gushed all about it to you already.”

Now Rey was truly lost. “ _Gushed?_ ”

Luke waved a hand at her, “He was always pouring over all the details he could find on any old Jedi legend. What I could teach him wasn’t enough. He needed to learn more. He’d get carried away with the Jedi texts, making his own notes, expanding on theories that were centuries old.” He shrugged, “I can’t imagine I know any more than him about Force dyads.”

Rey looked at him for a long moment. She remembered how modest Ben had seemed holding the Jedi text in his hands. But if what Luke was saying was true, he knew those texts like the back of his hand. She didn’t know why he would keep that from her.

She shook her head, staring off somewhere across the sea, over Luke’s glowing shoulder. Her voice was quiet, “I just want a simple answer. For one question in my life,” she looked him in the eye. “Please just tell me.”

For the first time, Luke looked at her with something akin to pity in his eyes. She hated it. But it worked. He nodded once and she let out a breath.

“It’s a power I’ve only ever heard of. I’ve never seen it,” he shook his head, “No Jedi in living memory has seen it. There have only been legends. Very little is known about the capabilities of your power. But the basics are simple. Physically two separate beings. But in the Force-”

“We’re one,” she finished for him.

He nodded again, soberly. “Your power lies in each other. A dyad in the Force is a power like life itself. The things you’d be able to accomplish together,” he shook his head, seemingly fascinated at the thought of it alone, “it is beyond the imagination.”

Rey stared off into the sea. This was too much. She had to think on a smaller scale in order to digest it, bit by bit. “Can I use it to help his leg heal faster?”

Luke watched her, repeating himself, “Your strength lies within _each other_.”

“So, you’re saying, the more time I spend with him-”

Luke raised his brow, “The _closer_ you are to him-”

Rey’s eyes widened, but she continued as if he’d said nothing. “The stronger we become?”

He nodded thoughtfully. 

That explained the way she felt now. The strength in her bones, coursing through her veins. She felt positively invincible. Like she could run and run for miles and never tire. She shook her head, uneasy with the possibilities. “Why us? We weren’t born at the same time. Not in the same place. We’ve had completely different lives. Yes, our grandfathers were once allies but I don’t see why that would affect _us_ in any way. It doesn’t make any sense. We were _enemies_.”

“And now you’re not,” Luke shrugged suggestively.

“But how did it happen? What does it mean?” 

“The Force works in mysterious ways. That is a question that no one will be able to answer. Except, maybe, for you and him.”

She stared at her feet on the ground, feeling the chill on her bare arms at such a height, no matter how bright the sun shone on her. “What else?”

“That’s all there is to know, Rey. The rest,” she looked back up at him as he finished, “you two will have to figure out on your own.”

Rey sighed and all of the air left her, leaving her deflated. She didn’t know what she was expecting. Luke to come out with a list of exact evidence and reasons why she and Ben shared this connection? For him to give him all of the answers she’d ever needed? It was just another thing she was going to have to figure out on her own. Like she always did.

Another thought came to mind. She looked at Luke seriously. “Have you gone to him?”

Luke sighed, eyes drifting to one side, and then to the other, “No.”

“Why not?”

He looked at her as if she had asked why didn’t he just walk into the mouth of the sarlaac.

“Don’t give me that look,” she scolded him, before trying more softly, “I know you care.”

“It’s too late Rey. He and I,” he shook his head again, “There’s no repairing what happened between us.”

“He’s different now. He’s not,” she searched her mind, trying to find a way of explaining how deeply she knew him, “The anger, the rage. It’s not there anymore. You could talk to him. He’d talk to _you_. I know he would. You’ve both made mistakes. He for trusting Snoke, and you for believing he did before he knew if he could. 

“Rey,” he looked at her as if she were a child who didn’t understand. Perhaps she was. In some ways. But not this one. 

“You’re stubborn. And so is he. But there is going to be a time where you speak again. I’m sure of it.” She could feel him wondering. She could see it, practically written on his face. _Why is it so important to you?_

“The last time I saw him, we fought,” he thought for a second, “And I _died_ ,” He patted the stone beneath him, “Right here, you know.”

Rey didn’t have the patience for his cheek just then. She stepped closer, her voice deepening with her frustration. “No. The last time you saw him, you helped me bring him back to life. Why did you do it? Why did you help me bring him back. Even if you don’t want to see him, speak to him,” she shook her head, searching for the words, “Don’t you believe he deserves a chance at, at-”

“At what, Rey?”

“At living a normal life?” She managed, her stutter infuriating her, “At, at _happiness_?”

Luke looked genuinely surprised at her words. She didn’t know what hurt worse. His shock at her naivety, or his answer. “Rey,” he shook his head sadly, “You are two of the strongest users of the Force that have ever lived. This rest, this peace you’re feeling now - it can’t last. You and Ben will never have a normal, quiet life. You can’t walk away from the galaxy and pretend you won’t be needed,” he smiled sadly, “You taught me that.”

She let out a humorless laugh. She knew what he said was true. She knew they would be needed again and she hated not knowing how, but she knew. Even Ben didn’t want to believe it just yet. She thought she might have cried, if she had any tears left. 

“They’ll come for you, Rey.”

Her head jerked up at him, “Who will?”

“Someone,” he smiled slightly, “Someone who needs you.”

-

Rey moved slowly down the mountain, her mind roving over every word they’d exchanged. She didn’t know how to feel. All she ever wanted was to find answers. But the more answers she received, the more questions materialized. Why did Leia insist on keeping her around if she knew she was a Palpatine? Why did Ben still seem to keep things from her? How long were they going to have before the galaxy needed the Jedi again? Would she want to help? Would she even care? And what about _Ben_? 

She shook her head, trying to clear the thoughts away. The further down the mountain she walked, the easier it became to do so. Ben’s signature was like a beacon. A bright, glowing fire that guided her effortlessly toward him. She felt lighter as she approached him, the burden of their exile somewhat easier to bear in his presence. It was their bond, she knew now, that made it so much easier to breathe when he was near. 

Ben could feel it too. She could feel his concern, then curiosity prick up as she got closer. She increased her pace, dodging a Caretaker or two, and their disapproving mutterings, as she dashed down the path.

She was in his doorway in an instant.  
“Hi,” she was breathless. Ben was half off of the pallet, trying to get up to meet her, a look of concern across his face.

She held her hand out, “No. Stay.”

He froze, looking confused.

“I can fix it.”

“Fix what?”

“Your leg.” Rey sat at the edge of his pallet and reached out for him, ignoring the way he still flinched when she touched him, which given the way they’d just been holding each other gave her minor pause. She placed one hand on his thigh, the other below his knee and closed her eyes. She felt his eyes on her all the while, but remained focused. She pulled from the power she’d felt before, knowing once and for all, it would be enough.

She felt it as she had before when she had healed him on Exegol. The strained and twisted muscles strengthening. The weak and brittle bones reforging together. The swollen and bruised blood vessels straightening, pumping the life through him. It wasn’t until she heard him give a gratifying sigh of relief that she opened her eyes. She let go and sat back, watching him, watching the relief flood through him.

It had healed in the days since they arrived, that was true. But now he was whole again. Free of pain. She felt awful for him. She didn’t know how bad it had been. He hadn’t let her know.

She grit her teeth, remembering something Luke had said.

“Did you know that with our bond, the closer we are to one another, the stronger we become?”He raised a sleepy brow at her, waiting for her to continue. “It only makes sense, doesn’t it? Seeing as we’re one in the Force. Our strength, it lies in each other.”

Ben blinked softly and smiled slowly at her. Her cheeks flushed. He still wouldn’t say.

“You _knew_ ,” her nostrils flared as she stood and looked away from him.

From the corner of her eye, she saw him shrug, “I had an idea.”

She spun on him, “Don’t _do_ that.”

His eyes widened at her, genuinely confused, “Don’t do what?”

“Patronize me.”

“ _Patronize_ y-”

“Pretend like you don’t know more than I do about the Force. It’s obvious that you do. And it’s humiliating when you pretend that you don’t.”

“Humiliating? Rey, only one of us here was strong enough to defeat the Sith singlehandedly,” he shook his head, “You should never feel embarrassed.”

She blinked at him, “And you should never keep things from me. Especially if they can help you.” She huffed an angry breath, “You knew this whole time all we had to do was touch so that I could heal you. And you said nothing. Why?”

He raised an eyebrow at her in a way that was so like his uncle’s it almost gave her a start. And then she imagined it. _Rey, our strength improves when we have physical contact with each other._

_Oh_. _Yes_ , she supposed, _that would have been terribly awkward_.

She felt a redness creep up her neck to her cheeks and hoped he didn’t notice. “Okay, well,” she cleared her throat, “Can you _please_ try not to keep important information from me anymore.”

He looked at her, considering. His throat moved as he swallowed. And then he nodded once, earnestly. 

Despite herself, she believed him. Her voice was quiet, “Can you walk?”

Ben gave her a curious look. A look that said, _only one way to find out._ She wanted to help him, but she felt confident enough in her abilities not to have to try. He lifted himself steadily off of the pallet and stood tall, his weight balanced and even on both of his legs. She watched him as he took a step. And another. Soon she was following him out the door. 

Rey was more than annoyed that this could have happened days ago. But then he turned and smiled at her in the light of the setting suns and she forgot everything else.

-

“You don’t like fish, do you?”

Ben’s face screwed up and he pulled yet another bone out of his teeth. He threw it to the ground and blinked at her, “I never said that.” 

They sat in his hut across the fire from one another, as they did each night. They ate in comfortable quiet, not feeling the need to fill the silence with mindless chatter, but, Rey thought, not feeling comfortable enough yet to discuss things of too much import.

She heard a porg squawk as it flew by on the other side of the hut. Ben’s ears pricked up at the noise.

“Don’t even think about it,” she spit out her own bone before she could choke on it. 

Ben smirked at her, “About what?”

She shook her head at him, “You can’t eat the porgs.”

He narrowed his eyes at her, “Why?”

“Because then they’ll follow you around crying and making you feel guilty until you’re tripping over them all and breaking your other leg. Trust me,” she put down her wooden plate in a clatter, “They can’t taste _that_ good.”

Ben breathed out a small laugh, and set his own plate down, “I’ll take your word for it.”

It was usually around this time that she left and returned to her own hut. The silence got too heavy and pushed her out of the door. The time had come. They could both feel it. She rose, and for the first time, he rose after her. She looked at him, startled. But he just watched her.

She blinked. “I keep forgetting you’re all better now.”

He gave her a small smile, his eyes warm in the firelight. She blinked and turned for the door, opening it into the night. Before she walked away, she turned back to him. He was right behind her. He was seeing her out. The notion alone gave her another shock. And there he was, standing at full height, completely unaided by her or a walking stick. _Too tall._

Rey cleared her throat, looking up at him, “Tomorrow is your first day on the island fully healed.” She pictured him taking off on his own, discovering the island for himself, learning the places she knew so well and finding more that she’d never noticed. Selfishly, she wondered what she would do while she was alone.

“So it is,” Ben hummed, watching her. “What should we do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think they're going to have a nice little day tomorrow.
> 
> I hope this wasn't too too boring. I would love to hear your thoughts if you feel the desire to leave a comment! It really means the world and gets me motivated to keep on moving with this thing.


	9. Tell Me How You Really Feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little short, but a week earlier than last time!! 2,700+ words!
> 
> Not much happening, but it is a slow burn after all.

“Well,” Ben sounded equal parts appalled and impressed, “Tell me how you really feel.”

He had gotten a little ahead of her as they trudged up a steep hill and it wasn’t until squinted into the distance that she knew what he was talking about.

“Oh,” her voice sounded surprised, even to her own ears, “That.”

Rey had let Ben lead the way as they hiked around the island. He seemed more interested in searching the limits of the surface than to climb too far up the mountain. They took their time maneuvering slowly over rocks, tide pools and unsteady terrain. More than once, he’d put out a reassuring hand to help her balance. More than once, she took it, even though they both knew she was fine on her own. It was peaceful. Calm. Their coexistence settled more easily when they had something to do. When they weren’t cooped up in a hut staring at one another. For the first time in over a week, it felt like they were moving toward something. She wasn't sure what, but it was something good.

But now that they stood side by side, staring at the charred remains of the ship she’d stolen from him, she felt they had taken several steps back. Rey went to say something, but he walked ahead toward the ship. She could do nothing else but follow. 

“It wasn’t about you, hard as that may be to believe,” she shouted over the wind as she finally caught up.

“No?” He picked up a piece of hardware from cockpit and turned to her. It all but crumbled to ash in his hand. If not for the mocking look on his face, she would have thought he was truly angry. 

“No,” she crossed her arms over her chest and watched him, bent over, pick around the bones of his ship. “I came here after Kef Bir. I burned it because I had no intention of leaving.” 

Ben turned and looked at her and came out of the ship, tossing another piece of junk back into the wreckage, waiting for her to continue.

“I thought it would be better if I just stayed away. Before it was too late. Before I could make anything worse.” She didn’t say anything about the visions she’d had. She knew she didn’t have to. He had seen it too. She was sure of it. And _that_ was certainly not a conversation she was prepared to have.

He wiped his hands together, ridding some of the ash and grime, “What changed your mind?” She didn’t say. And when he turned to her, he he had his answer. “Luke?”

Rey squinted at him, “Once he made me see,” she bit her lip, remembering, “He didn’t give me much of a choice.”

Ben stepped closer to her, the relaxed, easy posture of his shoulders making the tips of her ears turn red. “Well I’m glad,” he started, “Or else I would never have found you.”

They were speaking of Luke. And he wasn’t angry. This new version of the man she’d known still shocked her. Ben Solo was the man that she’d known, with everything in her, was beneath the mask, behind the facade of Kylo Ren. And now that he was here - it was more than surreal. It was hard still hard for her to wrap her head around. And it wasn’t just the things he said or the way he acted. It was everything about him. Everything. Even down to the smallest movements, expressions and gestures.

Rey couldn’t help the way she watched him all day. The morning had been so strange, at first. She was shocked to see he had shaved his face. She didn’t know how or with what, but where he had been growing the start of a dark beard, there was just smooth skin. Just in the way he used to be under his mask. His face wasn’t the only thing that had changed. In the times she’d seen him before Exegol, each step he took was heavy, as if there were chains wrapped around his ankles, weighing him down. Like he was trudging through knee-deep mud just to stay standing. But now, each footfall was light, free and easy. The thought of this positive change alone made her heart want to burst. But there was something else she noticed too. The way his hand lingered on the small of her back as she climbed over a bed of rock. The way his muscles in his back moved underneath his shirt as he used his own strength to push a piece of driftwood the size of a tree out of her way. Watching him in that way made her feel something else entirely. Something she was not at all comfortable with. She shook the thoughts away as he was watching her, knowing the redness in her ears must have spread to the rest of her features. Knowing as hard as she tried, those images of him would be imprinted behind her eyelids and would come back to haunt her when she was alone in her hut at night.

Ben came nearer still, stopping only when he was just in front of her. She let go of her hold on herself until her arms hung loose and heavy at her sides. She stared up into his eyes, seeing the lightness there too. She never saw it before. But in the sun, they were almost golden.

Ben had his own observations to make. Only he didn’t keep his so secret. “Your hair,” he started, eyes narrowing slightly in the light.

Rey blanched, fighting the urge to take a step away and cover her head. _Kriff, what’s in it? Mud? Grass? Wouldn’t be the first time, would it?_

But his hand reached up and stopped her. She watched from the corner of her eye as he caught a wisp of her hair that had been blowing into her eyes all day between his thumb and forefinger. “There’s a touch of red in it,” he hummed deeply, “I never noticed.” And then he did something that made her heart stop entirely. He tucked it softly behind her ear, leaving a trail of tingles down her spine.

His eyes were back on hers, searching, in an instant, his hand still hovering near the side of her face. Everything froze when she looked up at him. The sound of the wind. The waves. It all faded away. There was only him. As there had been when she woke in his arms on Exegol. _Let go_ , she told herself, and herself alone. _Just… let go_.

And then his hand fell to his side. 

The whole ordeal couldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds before it was abruptly ended. Ben turned from her, his face screwed up as if he had just smelled something burning on the wind. But that wasn’t it. She knew what it was he felt.

“There’s something else,” he turned from her.

Rey let out a shaky breath, glad he was too preoccupied to notice. The tension had been too much. And she knew she wasn’t prepared for what may have come next. She felt relieved. And the thought alone made her feel guilty. She pushed those thoughts away, again, and followed him. This was more important, now. She knew where he was going. Her heart beat faster, but she was not worried. There was no darkness in him any longer. She did not fear him. She did not fear for him. She trusted him. She wanted to see what he would do.

They came up on it quicker than she would have thought. It didn’t have that pull for her. Not in the way it did before. They stopped at the edge of the pit. She waited and watched him. His hands clenched into fists and his chest filled. He stayed that way for a moment. Another. And another. And then he let go. He let out the breath, heavy and shuddering. 

Acting out of instinct, Rey found her hand reaching for his. It was as if he’d been expecting it, the way his fingers immediately closed around hers. Her hand fit so perfectly in his, as if it was made to fit there. But then, in a way, she supposed, it had been. He didn’t look at her then, but he calmed. She could feel it.

The wind that had been blowing all day seemed to stop. They stood side by side looking ahead to the slick and slippery gash in the ground. The one that lead to darkness. To the cave of mirrors.

A cold crept over her in the shadow of the mountain, but it was a natural cold. One caused by lack of sun and warmth. Not one of evil and darkness. She was glad for the nearness of him; the warmth his body radiated was like standing next to a quiet fire. 

She couldn’t quite guess where his thoughts were at the moment. Knowing the little she did about him, she could have thought of a dozen different things. Her mind followed down that hole, into the cave, into the dark. She wondered about the dark side. She only felt it in pieces before. She couldn’t imagine what it was like to let go. To turn from the light. To let the darkness take over completely. 

And then suddenly, she had to know. “Ben?” He hummed in answer above her, lost in his own thoughts. “Why did your parents send you away with Luke?”

He was quiet for a long moment. Rey knew it was not a refusal of an answer. He needed only to find the right words to say. She gave him the time he needed. She knew, when he answered, he would do so honestly. Not with animosity or rancor the way he would as Kylo Ren.

But truthfully. Thoughtfully. As Ben Solo. “I don’t think they knew what to do with me,” he finally answered.

“Did you want to go?”

“I wanted to _learn._ ” A longer pause. His thumb started to move in slow circles over the back of her hand. She felt he did it more for his comfort than for hers. “I wanted an answer to the questions I couldn’t even put into words. I wanted to know more about the things I was feeling. The voices I was hearing. I wanted to learn what it all meant. I just think, maybe I was a little young to be sent away from my parents.”

“What did Luke tell you?” Rey turned and looked up at him, “About the voices?”

Ben’s eyes narrowed, but he stared straight ahead. The silence alone gave her the answer. 

She was stunned. “You mean,” she swallowed, “You mean you never told him?”

His lips pursed trying to hold back the obvious answer. But with a breath, he gave in. “No.”

“What about your parents? Did they know?”

He looked down at her from the side of his eye. “My parents named me after Obi-wan Kenobi. You’ve heard of him?” Rey nodded. She’d _heard_ him, too. Though she figured now wasn’t the time to say. “He was one of the greatest Jedi to ever live,” he continued, “Then there was my uncle, the last Jedi. My father, the famed pilot and general. My mother, the revered princess and senator,” he raised a brow at her and looked back to the sea, but she was already beginning to understand. The expectations they had for him were high. The pressure must have been immense. “I was never going to be what they wanted, whether or not I turned to the dark side.”

What he shared was important, but he still skirted around the question. “But, so,” she started, halting, “ _why_ didn’t you tell them?”

His voice was steady, though the words were pained. “How was a ten year old kid supposed to tell the heroes of the galaxy that there was a darkness inside of him?”

Rey blinked up at him. At ten, she was just gaining a reputation for being one of the best scavengers on Jakku. All she had to worry about was getting the best parts back to Plutt. She’d faced nothing beyond the demands of survival. Such a childhood was difficult for her to picture. But then, so was the fact that she and Kylo Ren were currently standing side by side, holding hands, and speaking of his youth.

Ben spoke again, bringing her out of the same reverie that incessantly pulled her away from the present. “They never told me Vader was my grandfather. Once I found out, I finally realized why I was the way I was. Realized why they were afraid of me. It all seemed to make sense. At the time, I knew I made the right decision. But then, I also wasn’t aware that Vader was the one to turn and defeat Palpatine to save his son. Would have been a helpful piece of information to know that my grandfather had made the right choice in the end.”

He had a point. Family legend and reputation wasn’t anything Rey ever had to contend with. Not until the last few weeks, anyway. She couldn’t imagine the pressure, the fear those thoughts alone would have instilled in a young and confused child. Still, Ben had made his own mistakes. Which she knew he knew. But that wasn’t the purpose of this conversation. And, she reminded herself, he’d just said that Vader’s betrayal of the dark side had been the right choice, hadn’t he?

“Do you wish you’d been more honest with them?”

“Yes,” he said clearly, and then mumbled under his breath, “But I also wish they’d been more honest with me.”

It was tragic. Every little bit of it. She cared for each of the players in the gut-wrenching story. Han. Luke. Leia. And Ben. _Oh Ben_. Her heart broke anew for the mistakes they all made. She couldn’t stand how frustrating it all was. How easy it might have been to right the wrongs of the past. She wished she could turn back time and find them all. Make them see.

But while she and Ben were both extremely powerful, there were things that the Force could not do.

Rey could tell that there was no more to be said on the matter. Not just now anyway. Ben had been calm and rational all throughout the exchange. He answered her questions so freely now. Maybe things _were_ getting easier between them.

Rey squeezed his hand then, and looked back ahead to the crack in the island. “That’s where I was. Where I fell,” Rey shook her head, remembering, feeling Ben’s eyes on her now. “I had to see. I had to know,” She turned and looked up at him, “I came to talk to you after that.”

Ben nodded once, reassuringly, encouraging her to continue with another brush of his thumb on the back of her hand. “I remember.”

There was silence again, but neither or them moved or looked away. Rey heard herself before she realized she had decided to say another word. “I feel no draw toward it now. Do you?”

Ben’s answer was immediate. “The dark side doesn’t hold anything for me now.” He shook his head gently, eyes on hers. “It’s not what draws me.”

Rey blinked up at him, more than a little surprised to hear such words from him. His eyes changed then. She watched it happen. Suddenly he was watching her with such a sincere intensity. 

And it scared her. 

_Too much_. 

Rey looked away from him back toward the pit and squeezed her eyes shut. In the same instant, she leaned in and rested her head against his shoulder. His body gave the slightest of jolts at the contact, but he made no other move. She didn’t open her eyes. She couldn’t. She couldn’t look at him. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do anymore. What she _should_ do. Or what would happen if they went on day after day continuing to look at each other like _that_.

Despite the warmth of the man next to her, she shivered in the cold. 

“Come on,” Ben murmured over her top of her head, tugging lightly at her hand. “Lets go back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm truly quite excited about the next chapter. Poor, poor Rey, though. Oh, she's going to be fantastically embarrassed.
> 
> Anyone going to watch Adam on SNL tomorrow night? The Mr. and I still haven't decided if we'll be going to try and get standby tickets as it would be quite a long day and we are very tired people haha. But if we do end up going, I shall report on all of it.
> 
> Tumblr Update: I’ve had my main (fancykidmd) for a good ten years. In the last year or so, I’ve been discouraged from saturating that blog with all of the beautiful reylo art and posts that I see, much as I would want to. So I’ve caved and made a reylo side blog: youshotfirst. I’m very happy to support these beautiful artists with more than just likes and I’m reblogging like a fiend. I’ll also, of course, be posting updates for this fic, as well as any others I may write in the future and recommendations for fics I love! Stop by for a follow, if you like!
> 
> Dang that was a long note. Apologies. Thank you for reading the chapter. I'd truly love to know what you think! Enjoy your weekend!!!


	10. Swimming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this scene was totally going to come later, but I was feeling the need for angst so I moved it up and switched some things around. Rey is freaking out, poor girl. Can't blame her though. You'll see.
> 
> Also, this was supposed to be half the length and the next chapter was also supposed to be included in this one - but then I got carried away and wrote almost 2500 for this bit alone. I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.
> 
> Get ready to cringe.

It was that night when her dreams started to change. There nightmares were still there. They would never go away, she was sure of it. But they _were_ changing. Always in a different manner and and with varying intensity. But there was always one new constant.

Ben.

Rey still woke up chilled from the bad parts of the dreams, but soon after, her mind could only focus on the small moments in which he’d come to her in sleep. The darkness and hopelessness of her nightmares were nothing in comparison to the bright light of relief and comfort she felt when she saw him there. Although, the memories and thoughts of him that remained when she was awake were infinitely more troublesome than any old nightmare, given her current state of affairs.

That first night it happened, she’d dreamt of Jakku, like she’d done a hundred times. She was in her AT-AT, her fingers trailing along the marks she’d scratched against the walls. She walked and walked, counting the scratches on the wall that seemed to go on forever. And on it went, for an impossible amount of time before the fear and loneliness started to morph into something entirely different. She wasn’t going on forever. She was walking _toward_ something. Her heart was warming at the knowledge of it. Liberation. Respite. It would come. 

And then Ben was there, walking toward her from the darkness ahead. She stumbled straight for him and he caught her up as she collapsed in his arms. Rey let him hold her and she stood there and cried relief against his chest. 

The next night was even more than troubling. It was her memory of the mirror cave exactly as it had happened in real life - or so she’d initially thought. The image before her cleared painfully slowly. Startled and expecting her own reflection, she took a step back when she realized that wasn’t the case. It was Ben. He stood before her and raised a hand to the transparent partition that stood between them. She mimicked his movement, raising her own hand to meet his, feeling another jolt of surprise when their skin touched. Nothing stood between them, as she had thought. He stared down at her, the way he had on the ledge of the cave just the other day. It sent a strange thrill through her and she knew he could sense it. Instead of turning, instead of running away, she tilted her face up to meet his.

Rey woke with a gasp in her throat just before their lips met. And not a moment too soon. 

It was too much.

Just as things were getting better between them, she found herself starting to pull away. The nerves she didn’t seem to feel in her dreams made it made it all the worse to be so near to him during the day. The day after that specific dream, Ben had gone to wipe a smudge of dirt from her arm and she flinched at his touch, remembering how it felt to touch him in her dream. She didn’t look up to see his reaction, for she knew it would be written all over his face. But since then, he didn’t reach a hand out to her again. Not even once. 

Rey hardly wanted to go to sleep anymore, afraid of the things her imagination concocted when she had no control over it. She couldn’t explain to herself why the dreams were happening. She’d lived in proximity with men before. Albeit Finn and Poe weren’t _Ben,_ but this was just getting out of hand. With such thoughts, such vivid dreams, she was beginning to feel like there was something wrong with her. How could any of this be normal? Not for the first time, she wished she could talk to Rose. If not Rose, then at least any other woman. There was only one woman she knew she could reach if she tried, but Rey wasn’t about to drag Leia’s Force ghost out into the open to ask her about such things. _Leia, could you tell me if it is normal to have these increasingly explicit dreams about your son?_ She laughed out loud when she thought of it, sounding more and more like she truly was losing her mind. She wondered what Ben would do if he knew the things she was thinking about him. He’d probably be completely horrified. She often had to remind herself that _she_ had been the one who that kissed _him_ on Exegol. He’d responded, yes, but he hadn’t acted on it since. Soon, Rey had herself convinced that any romantic inclinations between the two of them must have been completely one-sided. 

The realization didn’t stop the dreams. What was worse, as the dreams started to intensify in ways she didn’t even know she had the mental capability to imagine, she found herself unable to even look at him. When she saw him, when she looked him in the eyes, all she could think of were things they said, the things they _did_ , in her dreams. Ben had once made it clear to her that she was far too easy to read just by looking at her face alone. So she found herself keeping her head down as they talked, afraid he would see right through her.

After a day or so of the same, it seemed like Ben had figured something out for himself. What he understood of her behavior based on the nothing she gave him, she could only imagine. But she didn’t dare approach him about it. She was terrified to know what he would think of her if he knew the way she thought so acutely about him. 

As a result, they started to spend more time on their own. It saddened her. But what saddened her even more was the relief she felt. Relief from her own aching thoughts. Relief from his penetrating gaze. She was glad to have some more time on her own. Especially in the mornings.

Ben, she learned, had taken to swimming. 

_Swimming_. 

The notion of such a ridiculous activity was new for Rey. The thought that there was such an excess of water on Ahch-To was enough to make her desert roots want to shrivel up in the sun. But Ben explained to her that he had found a small pool that was cold as the sea, but deep when the tide was in and calm. Rey had seen it a dozen times but never once did she dream of _swimming_ in it. For _leisure_. She _could_ swim, she thought. She’d done it, once, when she fell in the cave below the island. But then, she’d barely managed to scrabble up against the rock and climb out.

Ben wanted her to come with him on these trips. Or he had. After her second refusal, he stopped asking. It was probably for the best. She was pretty certain he used the time alone to bathe. With her unconscious imagination working over time, she didn’t need to see that, too. Since he started going off on his own, Ben had spent the rest of his days looking clean, smelling of nothing but sunshine and salt.

This irked for some reason, especially when she had to wake up in the mornings and scrub herself down with a clean rag and with the nearly icy bowl of water she’d carried in the night before. Dumping freshwater over her head always seemed a waste, but it was one she figured it was time to make. Plus, the shock of the cold was a momentary respite from the smothering heated thoughts of her recent dreams. 

She _still_ wasn’t used to bathing so often. Back on Jakku, she was lucky to have enough water to eat her portions let alone to make herself smell nice. She’d gotten used to the idea, living with the resistance, but even then, there wasn’t much time to take care of such things each and every day. She hated that she worried about it now. But she couldn’t help it. Not when she had him to compare herself with. 

Just over a week after their first hike around the island, she woke late on a morning warmer than most. She’d come out of her hut to see Ben in the distance, walking into his own. He hadn’t seen her before he closed the door, as his back was turned, but she wouldn’t be surprised if he felt her start through their open bond. 

He hadn’t bothered to finish dressing after his swim and was bare from the waist up. The sunlight hit the water droplets that had fallen from his wet hair onto his naked shoulders and Rey found her breath knocked out of her. She took a few steps back in her shock, effectively knocking over the caretaker that had been walking down the steps behind her.

She mumbled a thousand apologies as she and another caretaker helped the Lanai back to her feet. From the few words she picked up, Rey knew they scolded and mocked her, but it was nothing that could erase that image of him from her mind. It tortured her through the rest of the day. And into the night.

-

Rey followed him early the next morning. She wanted to see this _swimming_ for herself. She knew she could have just gone with him. He’d asked her to come, at least the first couple of times. But she stayed silent, closing off the door that bridged their minds so he wouldn’t feel her creeping up in the distance behind him.

The world was still around them. No wind. no porgs. No sound but their feet on the earth.

They seemed to get to the pool in no time. She watched from around the bend as he freed himself of his clothes and slipped beneath the surface of the pool. She didn’t breathe until he emerged again, his back to her. He ran his hands through his hair, his wide shoulders pale in the purple predawn light. 

Rey wanted to be near him. She wanted to touch him.

She didn’t know what made her so bold.

She stepped forward toward the edge pool and opened her mind to him. 

_Ben?_

He hadn’t been shocked at her sudden presence. He turned slowly in the water to face her, as if he’d been expecting her all the while. His eyes were hooded, simmering beneath his dark lashes. When he spoke, it sounded as though his lips were already at her ear. 

_I knew you’d come._

Suddenly without a stitch on her, Rey stepped slowly into the pool, watching Ben watch her. The pool was deep. Soon, she wouldn’t be able to reach the bottom. But she didn’t need to. 

_Come here, Ben_.

He smirked at her darkly and came to her in the water. He gathered her up in his arms and kissed her, hard. Rey didn’t even notice the chill of the water as she wrapped herself around his warmth. She couldn’t get close enough. She needed more. She pushed her hips against his, the water making a small wave around them. He pulled away from her mouth sharply, only to bury his face in her neck. She gasped his name into the air above them as he trailed nibbling kisses from her ear down to her shoulder. Her arms, her legs, tightened around him. _More. She needed more. She needed, she needed_ \- _Ben._

“Rey!”

With his shout and the sound of her door slamming against the stone wall of the hut, she woke with a start. “Rey? Are you alright?”

Right before the dawn, the dim light only slightly brightened the room. She could hardly see him. She was dazed, disoriented from sleep, from the dream. But in the second after he woke her, she realized what he could have, what he very well _may_ have seen. 

Rey was in her pallet, lying on her back. The blanket was tangled up around her feet. Her arm was wrapped tight around her middle. Her other hand, though, it had been reaching for the place between her legs.

But she was up in an instant, pulling the blanket up around her shoulders to hide herself. “What are you doing?” Her voice sounded shrill to her own ears. Worse, she breathless.

Ben was breathless too. She could see it in the rapid way his shoulders rose and fell. He must have run to her. “Are you okay?” He stepped in and she shrank away against the wall behind her. He stopped mid step, his fists clenched at his sides. It was still dark, so she couldn’t make out his features, but he seemed confused. Like he was slowly realizing he’d been mistaken. That he’d overreacted. He shook his head, trying to explain. “You were calling me. Calling out for me,” he swallowed. “It woke me up. You needed me.”

“ _Needed_ you?”

“You sounded panicked. Desperate.”

Rey was already shaking her head. Not desperate. Maker, he did _not_ just say desperate. “No, no I’m _fine_. It was just, just a nightmare.”

His jaw clenched, but his shoulders seemed less tense, if only just a little. “Do you want,” he breathed, forcing himself to calm, “Do you want to tell me about it?”

“No,” she nearly barked at him.

She could see his brow furrow, but he didn’t move.

So she did. She wasn’t going to sit there on her pallet with him watching her, not knowing _what_ he had just seen her do in her sleep.

Rey threw the blanket off of her, and shouldered past him. “I have to go,” she muttered under her breath.

“Go?” Ben was incredulous, “Where?” She didn’t answer as she put on her boots, feeling his eyes on her the whole time. She didn’t bother with anything else. She turned, and with her burning face to the ground, went to pass him. “What’s going on?” Ben’s hand shot out and gripped her on the shoulder, freezing her in her tracks. “Talk to me, Rey.” His lips were close to her ear, but she kept her face down. In her sleeveless shirt, her shoulder was bare - just as it had been in the dream. With the fire she felt in his skin against hers, it may as well have been his lips, his teeth.

She shook the thought, and his hand, away, “Let me go.”

Rey walked through the door and away from him, into the new light of morning, feeling his eyes on her back all the while.

_Rey._ He called out to her once more, through their bond. _Please._

Before she took another breath, she threw the wall up between their minds, blocking him out completely. And she kept on walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey threw up that wall. Gonna take some time and a bit more angst before she lets it down again. Things will get slightly more uncomfortable before it gets better.
> 
> Anyway...anyone think he saw?
> 
> I hope you all have a lovely weekend!!


	11. Clumsy Jedi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably a mess so I apologize in advance. I hope if there are typos or mistakes then it is easy to ignore. I will be triple checking, but I can't wait anymore I gots to post.
> 
> Cliffhanger warning for these 3,905 words. I love the angst and drama. Rey is losing it. Just let her have a little freak out, yeah? Remember, I said things were going to get worse before they get better.

She ran. To put as much distance between them as she could. To push away the lingering memories of her dream. To exhaust herself so that the unfinished, insatiate feeling within her disappeared. 

She didn’t know how long she ran, but she was near the peak of the mountain, on the complete opposite side of the island, and the suns were high in the sky above her before she stopped. Her muscles aching and cramping with the speed of her climb, her eyes stinging with sweat, she collapsed. She shut her eyes to the sunlight and, chest heaving, tried to catch her breath again.

Rey had never been more angry with herself. How could she have such little self-control? To have the dreams was one thing. She supposed she couldn’t restrain the bounds of her imagination as she slept. What she did have control over was the way she reacted to them. And what was about to happen that morning, what undoubtedly would have happened had Ben not burst into her hut, that was certainly _not_ having things under control. 

No, she tried to calm herself, it was not the first time she let her hands wander, but this was completely different than before. On Jakku, as she got older, she would sometimes let it happen. But it was rare and it never happened unconsciously during sleep. And it certainly was never brought on by imagining another person, least of all someone like Ben. She’d always just chased after the feeling, pent up tension and exhaustion from the day giving way to sweet, short-lived release. The first few times it happened, she felt like she was doing something wrong. But soon after, she realized such a thing couldn’t be wrong. Not when it felt so good. She hadn’t acted on such an impulse after leaving Jakku. There was usually something to worry about to keep her mind busy. But now, there was nothing. Nothing to worry her. Nothing to keep her mind active. Nothing other than the thoughts of Ben.

And lying there in the grass with the sun soaking through damp clothes to her skin, Rey couldn’t lie to herself any longer. Thoughts of Ben, they’d always been there in some capacity. Whether in nightmares, dreams, or visions, he’d been haunting her since the first moment he stole her away onto his ship.

There were the nightmares at first. The towering image of Kylo Ren hunting her down. Her fighting and falling against his overwhelming strength and power. And then, when she was on Ahch-To with Luke, when she first grew to understand Ben, she’d seen it so clearly. She _saw_ him kill Snoke. She saw them fighting together. He stopped the attack and helped the resistance escape. He and Leia, reuniting. She sat co-pilot, watching a grin break out on his face as they soared through hyper speed on the Falcon. Ben, pulling her down onto his lap, showing her the best way to beat Chewie at Dejarik.

But then, when the worst happened, when he shattered her hopes, all of that disappeared. Only part of what she had seen had been a vision. The rest, she admitted rather shamefully to herself, must have been her own dreams.

Later, when they saw each other again, it got worse. It was the only time in her life that she felt she had to tell someone what she had seen. This was no dream. It was a vision, clear as day, but a nightmare all the same. Two strangers on the Sith Throne. It took her some time to recognize herself and Kylo Ren. A different version of what they would become. Emperor and Empress. Cloaked in darkness, wrapped around each other as if they were one.

She groaned at the memory as it came, too close to what she dreamed that morning. She’d never been so humiliated in her life. She reminded herself that she still didn’t know if he saw. Since she woke up as soon as he burst in, she must have covered herself immediately. _Right?_ Whether or not he saw, he would no doubt still be curious about what she was dreaming about and how he was involved. Why she was calling out for him in her sleep. Why she sounded-

“Desperate,” she grumbled the word aloud and curled on her side in the grass, groaning in frustration. What a humiliating word. If only he knew just how desperate she had become. Desperate for the dreams to stop. Desperate for things to become easier between them. Desperate for something to get better. Desperate for something to happen, one way or the other.

Rey sat up and looked out over the water in the distance. She wondered, timidly, whether Ben had ever had the same exact visions as her. Or was it just her that took it to the new level? She buried her head in her hands, knowing that there was no way she would ever find out the answer, because there was no way that she was ever going to ask.

Ever.

-

Rey spent the rest of the day hidden up on the mountain. Her mind stayed closed shut to Ben. He didn’t come to find her, and for that she was immensely pleased. She busied herself attempting and failing to meditate successfully. She floated a couple of rocks out of boredom’s sake and broke more than a few out of frustration. As the suns began to set she settled down in the same spot where she had started her day.

A couple of porgs looked up at her with curious googly eyes.

“Well, that was an absolute waste of a day, wasn’t it?”

One of them chirruped in response and ruffled his wings.

Rey sighed and fell back against the grass, watching the sky darken and the stars appear. She didn’t know what she was doing. It was a week of the same. Ben reaching out. Rey pulling back. It felt stagnant. Heavy. Like they were living at the edge of a sand pit, just waiting for the moment where the ground swallowed them whole. But with what happened that morning, and the way she reacted, it felt as though it all changed for the worse.

It wasn’t until she noticed the fires down below that she remembered. The neighboring island. They come once a month, Luke had told her. To raid and plunder. She rolled her eyes still feeling lingering annoyance at Luke for his little prank. 

She wondered what Ben had thought when he saw the boats coming over. In all likelihood, he was probably properly invited by the caretakers, the way he had them wrapped around his finger. She wondered, again, what he had spent his time doing all day while she was up in the mountain hiding and breaking things.

She waited until moonlight lit up the sky, until the fires in the distance were too bright to ignore, until her stomach growled it’s displeasure at it’s emptiness, scaring away her porg companions.

Reluctantly, she began to walk back down the mountain, slowly, this time. After a quick sniff under her arm, she stopped at her hut and straightened herself up, just for good measure. She was afraid what he would do when he saw her, of what he would say. She was prepared to defend herself, that he would be angry with her when he saw her. But when she turned around the corner into full view of the gathering, that wasn’t the case. Over the noise and music, past the food cooking on the open fires and the dancing Lanai, her eyes found his in an instant.

Ben was surprised, that much was clear. But there was no anger in his eyes the way she expected. He looked pleased when he saw her. Maybe even a relieved? So, that was decided then. He didn’t seem to be in any hurry to discuss the incident from this morning. And if he didn’t, then they wouldn’t argue. So long as she kept her head on straight. 

When he stood up from the stone bench he’d been sitting on, he drew the attention of the caretakers around him. They followed his gaze and saw Rey standing at the edge of the gathering. One of them reached up and tapped Ben on the arm, muttering something to him. Ben nodded and took the cup she offered up. He raised it toward Rey, waving her over. The smile that followed was unexpected, and as Rey had not been prepared for such a sight, she missed a step. She caught herself immediately, but not before all of the caretakers who’d been watching burst out in high-pitched laughter that made her want to turn right back around.

“Rey,” he called for her, over the music and chatter, ignoring her hideous stumble and their laughter. “Come here.” She did her best to quash the rising warmth creeping up her neck and watched her feet, taking careful steps as she walked over to him. “Ignore them,” he murmured to her, holding out the offered cup. She looked at him sideways before taking it from him. He sat back down on the bench, and after an encouraging pat on the spot next to him, she sat too. 

Rey kept her eyes ahead watching the scene around her. Immediately, before she even had a chance to realize it, the cold feeling of hollowness that had settled within her all day eased. Within seconds, it was gone completely. The same moment she felt it, Ben breathed a deep sigh next to her, his massive shoulders rising and falling with such obvious relief, that she knew he felt the same thing she did. 

She pushed past the tinge of guilt she felt and brought the cup up to her nose, before pulling it back sharply again. “What _is_ this?”

Ben pulled his cup from his mouth, his eyes warm as he looked at her. “The others brought it,” he shook his head, “I wouldn’t ask, if I were you.”

Rey narrowed her eyes at him, suddenly realizing why he seemed in such good spirits. “How many have _you_ had?”

Ben smirked at her, making her stomach curl in on itself again, “This is only my second, believe it or not.”

Rey let out a half laugh and braced herself. She took a sip, surprising herself when she didn’t cough it back up. It burned her throat and stung her eyes, but once she felt the liquid hit the bottom of her stomach, she thought she understood why the Lanai seemed so carefree after consuming jugs of the stuff. She felt eyes on her and looked up to see a couple of the caretakers watching her. They giggled and murmured something to each other, shaking their heads.

Rey turned back to Ben, pointing at the group watching them, “What’s with them?”

Ben followed her gaze before turning back to look at her, his face gentle in the light of the fire. “They said something about some incident yesterday? Involving you and a caretaker on the steps outside your hut?”

Rey felt her face ignite in a red flush. “What about it?” She asked, defensive already. But then she paused, her brow furrowing, “Wait, they _told_ you about that? I didn’t know you learned the language.”

“I didn’t. Not really,” Ben shrugged, looking slightly abashed, “Just some words, here and there.”

Rey shook her head. Had she really cut herself off so much that she hadn’t noticed? She sighed, trying to settle herself down. She knew she shouldn’t take any frustration out on him. It was her own fault. She looked at him again, “So what did they tell you?”

Ben seemed glad that she asked, half a crooked smile coming to his face. “I wasn’t too sure, but it sounded like they said you were distracted by something you saw.” He raised his brow at her, his expression open, teasing.

She had to clear her throat before responding, “Ne-nevermind that,” her eyes gave him a silent warning and he shrugged again, relenting. She took another sip from the cup, regretting it immediately. That was enough of that. As she went to set it on the ground, another spike of laughter from the same group made her almost spill the rest of the cup. They were watching her. Listening closely, she heard them saying _Jedi_. But there was another word they kept repeating before it. And she didn’t need to speak any of the language to know that they were talking about her too. She leaned closer to Ben, her voice low, not taking her eyes off of the cackling Lanai. “What’s that, that word they keep saying?”

“It’s a new one,” he shook his head and looked away into his cup as he took another sip.

“That doesn’t change the fact that you obviously know what it means.” He glanced at her over the brim of his cup. “Ben,” she grit her teeth, a bubble of anger already swelling in her throat, “What are they saying?”

He breathed in through his teeth, teasing, “You’re not going to like it.”

“Ben!” Her shout was enough to startle her and a few of the surrounding Lanai. “What are they saying about me?”

He swallowed another sip and put his cup down next to hers. He was stalling, it was clear. “I could be wrong, but in the context of what they’re saying, it seems like they’ve taken to calling you ‘the clumsy Jedi’.” 

By the look on his face, Ben obviously found some mirth, some _truth_ in it.

Rey shook her head, her face feeling as hot as the fire. She was on her feet before she could even register the fact that she wanted to stand, wanted to get away. She turned and walked away before she could stop herself. She drew more than a couple of glances, and elicited even more chuckles from the gathered Lanai, but she didn’t pay them any mind as she stalked out of the crowd.

_Clumsy_. _Clumsy Jedi._ So she’d broken a couple of things and knocked some of them over. But clumsy? Of all the things Rey could think of to describe herself, clumsy wouldn’t have been one of them. If she was being honest, she’d been called a thousand more awful things on Jakku, and this wasn’t near the worst.

But Ben. She let a growl of frustration leave her throat. Stupid Ben. He thought it was _funny_. Funny! It was all his fault, the way she was acting. The ridiculous dreams she was having. The confusing way she was feeling. And then he has the indecency to laugh at her? _While_ she was being made fun of?

It wasn’t right.

Her chin quivered as she barely held on, running up the hill to the solace of her hut in the distance. She was so close. She just had to close the door behind her and she would be okay.

She didn’t know why he would tease her like that. 

She didn’t know…she didn’t know…

She didn’t know why she was getting so upset. She didn’t know why _she_ was treating him this way. She didn’t know what to do anymore.

She didn’t know he had followed her.

“Rey,” She jumped, and turned around to face him in the same instant. His face was etched in moonlight and worry. “Rey, you have to tell me what’s wrong.”

“ _Have_ to?” She spat at him, “I don’t _have_ to do anything.”

“That’s not what I,” his jaw was tight and he cut himself off, changing his tactic, “Will you talk to me?”

“About what?”

He narrowed his eyes at her, “You can’t be serious.” 

She turned from him and burst into her hut. She needed to do something. She needed not to look at him. She fell to her knees and grabbed the kindling and set out to start the fire. It didn’t do any good. She heard him step into the hut, his feet sounding hesitant on the ground behind her. “Rey, it’s been over a week now. Something is going on. Something… something has changed. You’re not acting like yourself.”

She scoffed at him, “Acting like _myself_. You barely know me. How do you know how I’m supposed to act?” She hated the sound of her voice. She hated the things she was saying. She didn’t know where they were coming from. She just wanted him to go. But he didn’t. Of course he didn’t.

“You’re disconnected. I can see it. You can close me out all you want, but I can still _see_ it,” she heard his feet shuffle against the ground behind her, “Tell me. Please. What is bothering you?”

Rey huffed through her nose, striking the wood together violently. Maybe if she just gave him an answer, he would leave it alone. “ _Them_ ,” she decided, “I’m sick of it. All I do is just get in the way. Make a mess. _The Clumsy Jedi_ ,” she snorted, and the fire in front of her sparked satisfactorily. “They hate me and laugh at me and they just love you. And _you_ , you just, you just-”

“I just what?” She dropped the stick in her hand and let the fire catch on it’s own, feeling a similar heat building in her chest. “What, Rey? Say it.”

_You know the truth. Say it. Say it._ Rey stood, remembering the way he broke her the last time he forced her to say the truth _. Fine._ She would give him what he wanted. She stood slowly, and turned to face him, “You infuriate me.”

Ben blinked at her, his fists unclenched at his sides. It was the answer he was looking for, the answer he had been prepared for. “Then why am I here, Rey?” 

His voice was still calm, even though hers shook through her gritted teeth. “I don’t know. You’re the one that followed me.”

“No, Rey,” he blinked at her, his eyes searching, “Why am I here? Why did you bring me _here_? Why did you even bring me back?” 

Rey was frozen to the ground. She said nothing. How could he ask her such a thing? Did he not know? Did he _truly_ not know? Kriff, Finn knew why she’d done it, even when she hadn’t said a word to him. But Ben? How could he not truly know? 

How could she not tell him? How were there no words coming out of her mouth? 

Ben blinked at her again, the harsh look in his eyes changing, his voice softening, breaking her in two. “I thought,” he swallowed, “I thought things were getting easier between us,” he shook his head at her, “Now you can barely talk to me, let at me,” a familiar twitch came back underneath his eye, “But this morning. Today,” he tilted his head at her, “I see it now. And I want you to know, I don’t blame you for it. I just want you to say it.”

She found her voice again, even if it cracked at the start. “To say what?”

“To say what you want.”

She blinked, faltering, “Want?”

He took a step closer and she felt like she was sinking into the ground, “What do you want Rey?”

Her mind flashed images of the two of them together. On the Sith throne. In the Falcon. In the mirror cave. In the pool on the island. 

“I, I want,” her eyes flickered to his lips, still tasting them from her dream, “I want…” It would have been so easy. To reach up on her toes, to throw her arms around his neck and to kiss him. It’s what she would have done had this been a dream. But it wasn’t. It was real. And she was afraid. She shook her head, and the thought away with it. “I want you to leave me alone.”

He gave a slight nod, as if it was the answer he’d been waiting for. As if he was relieved it was finally out in the open. But he didn’t move. She wanted to push him, to shove him. But she didn’t trust herself to lay her hands on him. She didn’t know what she was doing. She didn’t know how to stop herself. She didn’t know when she had started to cry. “Please,” she shook her head, “Just go.”

For the briefest of moments, she saw something in his eyes that she had never seen. She couldn’t identify it. But whatever it was, it broke her. 

It was gone in a flash. And so was he.

-

Rey didn’t sleep a wink that night. 

Her mind was a whirlwind, locked away from Ben, behind it’s doors.

She’d never acted in such a way in her life. She never felt or thought such things in her life. She was certain, almost certain, that Ben wasn’t having these thoughts. He certainly wasn’t feeling the awful, tortured things she was. 

She never had the luxury of worrying about anything but survival. She was embarrassed. Ashamed. She wasn’t used to feeling any of it.

She cried, soaking the scratchy pillow under her head. Soon, there were no tears left. All that was left to do was to stare at the flickering shadows on the ceiling through the dark of the night. It wasn’t until the light became softer, warmer. that it came to her. The tears dried on her face. 

She felt numb. That cold, hollow, emptiness had been creeping back ever since she pushed him away. Now, it swallowed her whole.

She did need him. 

_She needed him._

She hated herself for fighting so hard against it. She was stronger than this. She would face him. She would make it right. And even if he didn’t see her the same way she saw him, she would find a way to be alright with it. Being with Ben, being near him, in any capacity was the only way she knew how to be now.

The purple light of dawn told her it was time. She released her aching, clenched fists at sat up, running a hand over her swollen eyes.

It took some time, but eventually, she relaxed enough to open her mind. She waited for the familiar feeling, the warm of his presence to flood in. 

But there was nothing. She reached out, tentatively. Searching. Probing. 

But there was no answer. There was nothing.

Rey was up in an instant. The door of his hut was shut closed to her. Just like his mind. 

She didn’t remember walking over to it, but there she was, standing right outside.

She swallowed, her nerves jumping out of her throat. She put her hand against the door, her voice sounding small and far away, “Ben?”

No answer.

She knocked on the door, sounding more frantic than she realized she was feeling, “Ben, please. I need to talk to you.”

Again, nothing.

Rey pushed on the door, her anxiety creeping in, knowing what must have happened before she could even let herself think about it. But she _knew_. She knew before she could even see the proof of it. 

The blankets were neatly folded at the end of the pallet. The fire was out, stamped and grey, not even warm. Everything was gone. 

And so was Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 11 chapters in, I just thought I would thank you guys. To those of you that are reading, leaving kudos and commenting as I am updating, I have to let you know how much it means to me. I get the whole, ‘I’ll wait til its done’ thing because we’ve all been abandoned before, but it just means so so much that you are participating in this as I write and post. It is so much fun for me and I would be writing even if it was just for myself because work totally sucks right now and I like to forget about it when I can haha. But I did just want to let you guys know how much easier you make it for me to want to continue.
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you.
> 
> Meanwhile, back at the ranch: Rey really dug herself in it, huh? She’s being quite a dumb dumb but she’s cute so well let it slide. It's going to take some time to dig herself out. But Ben will have a shovel to help her out :)
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts if you care to share! Happy Tuesday - I hope your week is going better than miiiiine!


	12. Come Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2,916 words on this Tuesday evening. Sorry for leaving that many days after a cliffhanger. I hope this makes up for it...?

_Come back!_

Rey heard her own small voice echoing through her head. It was so loud, she thought it might have been coming from her mouth in that exact moment. She didn’t remember falling to her knees, but there she was. On the dirt floor of what had been Ben’s hut. Only it now lay empty. And so was she.

All she knew was that there were black spots in front of her eyes and she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t catch her breath. It happened before, many times before, when it felt like the walls were closing in.

_Calm down_ , the rational half of herself scolded, _calm down_.

“But he’s gone,” she heard her own broken voice answer back in the silence of the space around her. She couldn’t hear him. She couldn’t feel him. He’d taken everything. He was gone. _Gone._

All she wanted through all of this was for Ben Solo to come to her side. To take her hand. To be hers. And he was. He _was_. And she had ruined it all. Over what? _Nerves?_ She was a child. She never felt so absolutely foolish in all her life. 

Another thought struck her like a bolt of lightning to the chest. The only way he could have left the island was by ship. The one ship on the island was the TIE they had come in together. The _one_ ship. 

Her breath left her again. 

She would never leave the island. She would die alone, just as she always knew she would. Although, such a thought was nothing compared to the fact that she would never see Ben again. It wasn’t what she wanted. _This_ was never what she wanted. But she was the one to make it all happen. It was her fault. It was all her fault. Her fault that Ben had been hurt. Her fault that he felt the need to leave. Her fault that she was alone. For the first time since she met BB8 on Jakku, she was truly, completely and utterly alone. 

The panic threatened to return, a vice-like grip threatening to stop her heart. But she pressed her hands to her knees, closed her eyes, and forced herself to breathe. Calm down, she scolded herself again, finally forcing herself to listen. _First things first_ , she told herself, once her breathing was finally back to mostly normal. Check on the ship. The only way to know for sure, the only way to begin to accept it, was to see with her own eyes that it, that he, was truly gone. If the ship was gone, then she could panic. If the ship was gone, then she could grieve.

She stood, slowly and waited until her feet felt steady under her.

She hadn’t heard the rain start from inside her own mind. She could barely feel the heavy drops on her skin as she walked beneath the heavy clouds. All that mattered was the ship. Finding it, or the spot where it had been, was all that mattered.

She seemed to walk on forever. She didn’t remember it being so far away. Though she supposed she was moving rather slowly. When you feared you were going to spend eternity alone while half of your soul was elsewhere in the galaxy, there was really no rush to confirm such a thing, was there? Her feet were as heavy as stones as she made the final turn to where she knew the ship was stashed. She kept her head down as her heart rose in her throat, it’s frantic beating threatening to choke her. And then she was there. She knew that if she looked up, she would see nothing. Just the rough patch of flattened grass where the TIE had been. 

“Do it,” she told herself aloud, barely hearing her own voice over the rain. “Get it over with. Just look and be done with it.”

It was some power that felt utterly unlike her own that made her raise her face to see the truth. 

And then the tears she had been holding in all morning came in a hollow sob that racked through her chest and sent her doubling over. Her hands on her knees were the only thing holding her up. It took her a moment to catch her breath enough to pick her head up again. She wiped the tears from her eyes, even as they continued to fall and mingle with the rain that soaked through the rest of her. 

The ship. It was there. But it hadn’t been the first thing she saw.

_Ben_. 

His packed bag was next to him as he sat in the rain with his back to her.

The downpour was so loud that he must not have heard her or her cries. Her feet were moving toward him before she even had a moment to register it. And then she stood behind him. He was soaked through, his hair drenched and dripping around his long face. The memories of Kef Bir came flooding back. But she wouldn’t let it end the same way. She wouldn’t run from him. Not again.

“You’re still here.” His shoulders shuttered in a little jolt of surprise at the sound of her voice fighting the rain and wind. But he didn’t turn around. She stepped forward and stood next to him. “Ben?”

His head turned in her direction, but he did not look up. She had to strain to hear what he said. It sounded like, “You’re barefoot.”

She blinked and looked down at her own feet. He was right. They were bare, wet and covered in mud. She’d forgotten to put on her boots. She shook her head, ignoring such an inconsequential piece of information, and dropped to her knees next to him, facing him, as he turned back and looked ahead to the ship. She wanted, more than anything, to beg his forgiveness. To throw her arms around his neck and to hold him close. But she was shivering. From the rain and cold, or just from the shock of seeing him again, she didn’t know.

“You’re still here,” she said again, more to herself now, trying to believe it when she had just been so close to accepting the opposite.

“I know. I was waiting for you.”

Her heart jumped at that. “For me?”

His eyes stared straight ahead, his voice was low, empty, not sounding like his own. “I was ready to leave. Then I remembered, not only don’t I have anywhere to go, but I don’t want to leave you without a ship.”

Rey blinked at him again and sat back on her heels. “Oh.”

“So I was waiting for you. Since you want me gone, I think you’ll have to get rid of me yourself.”

“Ben,” she shook her head, struggling to find her voice. “I didn’t want you to leave. I just, I just wanted to be alone.” His eyes narrowed, but he still didn’t turn to face her. “No, that’s not-” she sighed in frustration. “That’s not what I meant.” She ran a hand through her soaked hair, “I just wanted to be alone for a while. Not for good.”

Finally, _finally_ , he turned to face her. His dark, inconsolable eyes, sparking just a little bit with the look of hope. “Not for good?”

She shook her head vehemently. “ _Not_ for good.”

His nostrils flared and he shook his head, something in him breaking. He hadn’t been expecting this. The thought made her heart ache even more. He truly believed she wanted him to leave. To never see him again. Her eyes watered again and she stared down at her hands in her lap as he spoke again.

“I knew this was going to be hard, getting used to being around you. Without fighting. Without even arguing. But I thought the challenge was going to be for me. Not for you.” She nodded, the tears rolling steadily down her face. “Look at me, Rey,” his voice changed, it was louder, more sure. She forced herself to look up at him. He blinked at her, seemingly shocked to find her crying. But she could tell by the tone of his voice, by the set of his jaw - he had a question and he wouldn’t stop until she gave him an answer. The truthful answer. “I need to know what I’m doing here. If you can’t stand to be in my company, if you can’t stand the _sight_ of me, why did you bring me here? Why did you bring me back? Why did you fight so hard to save my life? Why did you-” he cut himself off, his eyes looking down to her mouth in a flash. He didn’t say the rest of the question, but she could still hear it as if he had. _Why did you kiss me?_ “I don’t know why you keep hiding yourself from me. I can’t tell what you want Rey. I thought I knew. I thought I understood. But I guess I was wrong,” he swallowed and stared at her hard, not letting her look away. “If you want me to go, if you want to be rid of me, you just have to say the word.”

To be _rid_ of him. What an impossible concept. Just moments ago she thought she’d never see him again. And here he was, asking her to tell why he should stay. A sudden calm came over her then. The tears stopped. All she could hear was the even sound of her breaths, the heavy raindrops soaking the ground beneath them. And then his hand was in hers. She didn’t remember taking it. She didn’t know what his reaction was when she did. But she held it in her lap and held it between hers. The differences in their skin tones muddling together under the wet grey sky.

“I don’t want you to go.” Her voice sounded clear and strong. It made her feel able to look up at him. So she did, her eyes searching his, trying to show him what she felt. But he was still so far away. “Ben,” she begged in a whisper. He let out a shaky breath, his features softening. His shoulders sagged with the relief of her touch, with the sound of his name on her lips. He knew what she wanted. And he gave it to her.

The wall he had built to keep her out was gone in an instant. 

She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. It felt so much better this way. She knew he thought so too.

_Why, Rey?_ She felt, more than heard, him ask. _Why am I here?_

Rey tucked her chin into her chest and looked back down at his hand in hers. She turned his hand up to the sky. Her finger moved along the parts of his hand. The hard callouses on tips of his fingers, the base of each one, too. The surprising softness of the skin of his palm. The hands that brought her back to life. 

“When I stood there on Exegol, before Palpatine,” She swallowed over a lump that appeared in her throat, but it did not go away. “I never felt so alone in my entire life. Not even when I didn’t speak to another soul for weeks back on Jakku. I was alone. And I had accepted it. Accepted the fact that I would be alone for the rest of my life,” she shrugged. “Not that the rest of my life was going to last very long. But I was beginning to accept it. That didn’t change the fact that I was,” she felt a shuttering breath leave her. “That I was terrified.” She breathed, keeping herself calm, tracing the lines of his palm. He said nothing. He waited. Just as she had waited for him. The thought gave her a strength she didn’t know she had in her. “But then you were there.” She looked up at him in the rain. “You were _there_. And I knew everything was going to be alright. Because whatever was going to happen, we would get through it. Together. And then when we got _here_ , I was just so relieved that it was all over. That we were alive and well. It was all that mattered. And I, I didn’t think,” she swallowed.

“You didn’t think, what?” His voice was soft, curious.

“I didn’t think about what would happen past that. About what it would all mean. _Us_ , being on the same side.” She hated how hard it was to put words to the things she felt so easily. “It feels, it feels so right. Like it’s how it always should have been. Do you, do you know what I-”

He nodded, answering before she could finish asking.

She sighed in relief. But she wasn’t done just yet. “There’s more to this, to, to us, right? More than just the Force. More than the, the dyad?” She looked up at him, terrified of his silence. “I mean, isn’t there?”

She couldn’t believe she said it out loud. Although it was probably the most indirect way she could have asked, she still said it. And she hoped, she thought, he understood what she meant. And then she saw it. The way he looked at her. It reminded her so much of his face when he had brought her back. When he was the first thing she saw after he gave her his life. It was the briefest of silences in which she thought her heart would stop all over again. But then he nodded. And that was all she needed.

Rey couldn’t help it. She dropped his hand and covered her face with her own. A huge huff of breath left her and she folded practically in half. She could have cried. But she didn’t. The relief she felt was all encompassing. So she wasn’t insane. It wasn’t all in her head. 

She dropped her hands back into her lap and made herself look up at him. Somehow, when her head was down, Ben had moved so that he was facing her, a long leg stretched out on either side of her, so that he practically surrounded her. 

Surprising herself, she still had more to say. “I don’t know why I’m making it so hard.” The rain and wind around them seemed quieter now that he was so close. With the warmth radiating off of him, it was easy to forget that she was soaked through. “I’m sorry for treating you so poorly. I don’t know how _not_ to be alone. This is all new for me.”

“It’s new for me too, you know,” he told her. “Unless you think I’ve come across _another_ dyad in the Force.”

“But it’s not just that, Ben,” she tried. She thought he wasn’t understanding.

But he swallowed, all joking erased from his features. “I know.” He reached for her then, his strong hands rubbing her bare arms, warming away the cold and worry.

She nodded and looked down at her hands again, letting herself take comfort in the gesture. The end of this, this mess, was near. Things were going to be better from then on out, she knew. But there was something still poking at the back of her mind. “Wait,” she shook her head, another thought coming to her, “Is this what _you_ want?”

He squinted slightly at her, “What do you mean?”

“Do you want to be here?” She furrowed her brow, determined on asking before she could lose her nerve again. “With, with me?” She stuttered, forcing herself to keep her eyes on his as he watched her struggle. “I never asked, I, I just assumed, and I shouldn’t have, I-”

Ben shook his head, stopping her, shushing her, “Rey, Rey, listen to me.” His eyes searched hers again and she could tell he was trying to find the words. A lock of wet hair had fallen in front of her eyes. She hadn’t even noticed until then, when he pushed it back behind her ear. He looked back at her, his hand moving to the back of her neck. “You still don’t see it, do you?” Her eyebrows raised of their own accord in question. One she knew he was about to answer. “I could have had-” He shook his head again, cutting himself off. “I _had_ the galaxy. And I gave it up.” A soft, genuine smirk came to one corner of his mouth. “Please, Rey,” he begged, his left arm curled around the small of her back, bringing her closer to him. “Please tell me you know the reason why.”

And then she saw it. In the way he held her. In the way he watched her. In the bond between them. She could feel it. Suddenly, she didn’t understand what she had been so worried about. Of _course_ he felt the same. Of course he wanted this as badly as she did. They’d saved each other. They were half of each other. It only made sense. It was the _only thing_ that made sense.

Rey nodded in answer to his question. With his sigh of relief, she felt the chains she’d wrapped around herself loosening.

He leaned closer.

And she felt something else.

Something building inside.

Rey closed her eyes. 

And she let go.

_ But... _

_Oh no._

She pulled away just in time.

** _Achoooo!!!_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahhhahahahaa I may have been born in '91 but that doesn't change the fact that I am five years old! Did you think I was going to give it to you that easy? Please. I know I'm a punk, and I'm sorry. BUT I SAID SLOW BURN AND I MEANT IT! At least he didn't actually leave, okay? Just let this sick little Jedi be taken care of by her man for a little bit! Anyway I hope you all have a lovely week and I hope this chapter doesn't suck too badly.
> 
> P.S. The official Feels Like Somewhere playlist will be coming up next chapter!


	13. A Horrible Patient

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't long or good enough to warrant such a long absence from me, but for some reason it was really hard for me to get to writing in the last week and a half. 
> 
> Just over 2,100 words of softness on this Sunday afternoon.
> 
> The promised playlist is linked at the bottom.

Rey fought him every step of the way. She was just barely getting sick, she’d insisted a dozen times. She was _not_ injured. She could walk just fine on her own.

But when the path back to their huts became flooded, he didn’t give her a choice. She only hesitated for the briefest of moments at the sudden torrent of knee-deep water that broke through their path, but it was all the time Ben needed. She was off her bare, muddied feet in the swiftest of movements. They were already halfway across the flood before her foggy, rain drenched mind could register what had happened.

“What are you doing?” She shouted over the wind to him.

“I’m carrying you,” he answered simply. 

As if it wasn’t obvious. “Wh- why?” She stammered, staring up at him, her arms around his neck. _When had that happened?_

“Would you prefer to swim across?”

“Well,” she looked down. The water was deeper than she’d thought. She would have been thigh-deep had the water been calm. But with the incoming tide, the wind and the rain, it would have been a greater struggle than she was prepared for. Ben, on the other hand, strode through the current, coming just to his knees, as if it were nothing more than a puddle.

She looked back at Ben, her answer stuck in her stubborn throat, and he gave her a look that said, _that’s what I thought_.

When they reached the other side she fidgeted in his arms, ready to feel the ground beneath her once more. But Ben kept up his pace, not pausing to put her down.

“Okay,” she tried, “I can walk now.” But he ignored her.“Ben, “She squirmed in his arms, kicking her legs feebly. “Put me down!”

“No.”

“No? What do you mean _no_?” Ben kept his eyes ahead, ignoring her completely. If it wasn’t for the slight smirk on his mouth, she would thought he couldn’t hear her at all.“Ben!” He answered by readjusting his hold on her, pulling her closer to him. And then she realized. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

His smile widened. Rey scoffed at him and shook her head. In her current state, she supposed there was no use fighting him any longer. Perhaps she might have tried once, if only her head wasn’t so heavy. If she wasn’t so tired. And cold. And being that he was incredibly warm, she supposed she couldn’t be too annoyed with him.

Once she stopped fighting, she felt her shivers calm. And then she was able to think more clearly. He held her close, far closer than was necessary for merely transporting her from one place to another. Given the talk they’d just had, she thought to herself, could it be possible he’d been as starved for her touch as she’d been for his?

The thought made her feel, at once, guilty. Not only had she been punishing herself for feeling things too strongly about Ben, she’d been punishing him too. And here he was, taking in the simple pleasure of getting to hold her close to him. So she relented, stamping down on the anxious excitement such a thought in her mind must have been sent to him through the Force.

She rested her head against his chest, immediately feeling his own relief as strongly as her own. With the sound of his deep, steady breathing and the beating of his heart beneath her ear, her eyes were drooping closed by the time the huts came into view. 

He deposited her on the ground of her hut and steadied her so she wouldn’t fall and soak her pallet clean through. She watched him as he dug around her things, alternately sneezing and yawning, before he finally pulled out a dry pair of pants and a warm long sleeved shirt. He handed them to her gently and she blinked down at them.

Ben cleared his throat, his voice suddenly loud compared to the quiet of her hut. “Do you think you can manage?”

Her eyes widened, staring down at the clothes in her hand. What was the alternative? For him to help her change? She nodded quickly, not looking up at him.

“I’ll be right outside.” When he closed the door behind him, she could feel a slight ring of relief through their bond. She couldn’t tell whose side it had originated from, but it was clear they felt the same. They may have just bared a bit of their souls to one another, but disrobing each other immediately afterward may have been moving things forward a bit too quickly.

Rey peeled off her wet clothes, her skin prickling with the cold. She dressed in the warm clothes and stumbled dizzily to her pallet. She heard him murmuring to a caretaker that had appeared outside, but was asleep in an instant.

-

Rey woke all at once. 

She was immediately aware of three things. It was night, someone had tucked a blanket around her, and that someone was still in the room.

Her eyes adjusted to the faint light in the room. Ben was sitting up sleeping on the bench on the other side of her hut, hunched against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. 

Another thought came more steadily into her mind as she watched him.

Rey hadn’t had a nightmare. She hadn’t even dreamed. 

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and when she opened them again, Ben was awake.

He ran a hand through his hair and straightened up, looking at her over the fire. “You’re up.”

“You stayed?” Her voice was scratchy and she cleared her throat. _Kriff,_ what if she had snored?But of course she must have, her nose all clogged and stuffed up.

She started to sit up and Ben moved. She paused, watching the sight before her. He grabbed another blanket and hurried over to her in three long strides. She let him maneuver her to a sitting position, putting the pillow behind her back. But when he attempted to wrap her up in the other blanket, she took it from him. 

“I can do that,” she muttered and threw it over her shoulders, holding it closed tight in front of herself.

She looked up at him and he stood before her. He stood tall over her, his hands in fists at his sides. “I tried to heal you,” he said, his voice deep and close.

Rey blanched, imagining his hands on her in her sleep. Her face warmed and she was glad it was dark in there. “You didn’t have to do that,” she sniffed, her voice sounding silly with such a clogged nose.

Ben half turned to the fire. “Are you hungry?”

She looked up at him, a hint of a smile pulling at the side of her mouth. “Always.”

He bent to the fire where she noticed was a small covered pot, keeping warm on the edge of the embers.  
“Ben, don’t. I can-”

“It’s already done.” He shrugged, ladling the broth into a bowl for her. He came over, sitting down next to her on the edge of the pallet, the steaming bowl of broth in his hands. “Ben, really, you’ve done too much already. You should go and get some sleep.” She reached for the bowl, but he ignored her, pulling it out of her reach. What he did next, she couldn’t quite comprehend.

He brought the bowl to his lips and, ever so slightly, blew on the hot broth, cooling it for her. Her jaw dropped and so did her hands, falling on the pallet on either side of her, making a little thud. Ben looked at her at the noise, his lips still pursed, ready to blow. “What?” He asked, looking genuinely confused.

Rey’s eyes widened at the sight of him. “You can’t be serious.”

“What do you mean?”

“What, are you going to _feed_ me, too?”

His brows knit together at that and after a pause, he passed the bowl to her slowly. 

“Thank you.” She took it in both hands and smiled. “Ben,” she couldn’t help the little giggle that bubbled up in her throat, “I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

His head crooked a little at that. “I never said you weren’t.”

“I know,” she shrugged, careful not to spill the broth. “You didn’t have to do any of this. Really, you should go and get some sleep.” She brought the bowl to her lips and took a sip immediately burning her tongue. She made a face and swallowed, almost spilling the bowl down her front in moving it away. 

“ _Ow_.” She raised her eyes to Ben, the righteous look on his face making hers burn as hot as her tongue. She held out the bowl for him to take away and he reached toward her. She froze when his hand found the side of her face. Her tongue throbbed with the burn, but in a moment, the pain was gone. She swallowed, and settled the bowl of the offending broth on her lap. “Thank you.”

Ben’s fingers lingered on the skin of her jaw as he pulled his hand away and was quiet for a moment. 

“Rey?”

She hummed in question, her skin still tingling where he had touched her.

“Have you ever let anyone take care of you?”

She hadn’t been expecting that. She blinked at him, her answer coming before she could think it through. “No one has ever tried.”

The silence that passed between them was heavy, but not uncomfortable. Ben looked as though he expected such an answer. He nodded, half a smile coming to his face. “Well, this is usually what happens when someone who cares about you wants to help you get better.” 

She thought of the conversation they’d had just earlier in the day. Their bond, it wasn’t only in the Force. It was deeper for both of them. And she was still torturing him. And herself.

“I’m sorry,” she said, finally. 

“Don’t apologize, Rey,” he almost laughed. “You’ve done nothing wrong. You just have to get used to the fact that you’re not on your own anymore, “ he shrugged, “We both do.”

“It’s harder than I thought it would have been,” she sniffed again. “I just can’t seem to get out of my own way.”

“Good news is,” Ben’s hand found her knee over her blanket, “We’ve got time.”

She nodded at him, hiding in her mind just how long she might need. She just hoped he’d still be there when she was ready for all that this new version of their relationship entailed. She cleared her throat, trying not to think of any of it while they sat together on her pallet. 

“Are you sure you aren’t tired?” She said a bit more loudly than she had planned.

Ben turned to her, a genuine look of surprise on his face. “No. I slept. Maybe not as soundly as you, but no dreams at least.”

Rey started at that. “Really?” 

He nodded with a curious expression as he looked at her. 

“Me either.”

Something passed between them, then. A knowing. A new part of this bond that neither of them would say a word about. Not just yet. But having it in the back of her mind, it was a comfort.

And then Rey’s grumbling stomach broke the silence. Her eyes widened with embarrassment, but Ben just let out another half laugh, his hand giving her knee a reassuring squeeze. “It’s probably cool enough now.”

Rey picked up the broth and sipped at it gingerly. He was right. She was halfway through with the bowl before she remembered something. “You said you tried to heal me?”

He nodded. “Do you feel any better?”

She straightened and ran a hand through her hair, knowing it to be an absolute mess, but not finding it in her to care. Now that she thought of it - she looked at him. “I do feel better. Just stuffed up. But I don’t think the Force can fix that.”

Ben huffed out a laugh through his nose, “No, probably not.” He smiled at her. “Do you think you’ll feel well enough to get out of bed tomorrow?”

Rey nodded, taking another sip. 

Ben sighed and let his shoulders slump, “Good.”

“Why?” She narrowed her eyes at him.

“You make a horrible patient.”

Rey couldn’t help the smile that came to her lips. She also couldn’t help but give him a little kick in the thigh for it. Not that it was even hard enough to make him budge. His smile only widened as he watched her. 

“Why?” She asked again, trying and failing to hold back the giggle that escaped her throat. “What did you have in mind?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my favorite things I wrote so far is coming up in the next chapter. I hope y'all don't mind waiting a bit longer for it. 
> 
> Thank you, as always, for reading. It means so much :)
> 
> [Feels Like Somewhere Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1T2tpi3bp8BaK2oEDE6Sq5)
> 
> These songs inspired and continue to inspire me in writing this specific story. Lots of Joseph and Joy Williams/The Civil Wars, but their music is just so cinematic and moving and I couldn't help myself. I hope you take a listen!!


	14. Ready

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you?

Ben stood before her, panting, sweating in the sun.

“Again.” She challenged, confidently. 

“Again?” He teased her, with a poke to the ribs, “Are you sure?”

She nodded, breathing heavy through her nose.

He cocked his head to the side. “You ready?”

She let out a huff of breath, rolled her shoulders back, and let her nerves fall away. “Ready.”

And he came for her.

Sparring had been his idea. But only if she was feeling up to it, he’d insisted.

Rey was feeling quite well, as a matter of fact. She thought it had to do with the fact that she’d had the best sleep she’d in months. She thought it must have been the illness, letting her get through the night without a hint of a dream.

She’d been nervous at first, to spar with him. Not that she feared she was in any danger, they were using sticks they’d found on the ground, after all. But every time they’d fought in the past, it has not been for practice. It had certainly not been to pass the time.

“Let’s try not to kill each other this time,” she said before they had started, a teasing half smile on her lips.

But Ben merely blinked at her, his face going quite serious. “Before we continue,” he stuck the stick he was using as a weapon in the ground, “Let’s make one thing clear.”

Rey narrowed her eyes at him. “What?”

“I never tried to kill you,” he said simply.

Rey took a step back and looked at him sideways. “What are you talking about?” An awkward laugh came from her throat. “Yes, you did. Or do you forget Starkiller Base?”

“I wanted the saber back and I tried to stop you from leaving.” Ben shrugged. “I wanted you to join me. I wanted to teach you.”

_Okay_ , she thought to herself. _He did make that pretty clear as they fought, didn’t he?_ Until she cut his face open, of course.

The throne room flashed in her mind, but there, they’d fought together. 

“Kef Bir,” she declared, firmly.

“I was just trying to stop you. I wanted you to come with me, remember?”

“Oh.”

He half-laughed. “You’re the only one who ever made a mark on me, Rey. Several actually.”

Rey’s hands fell to her sides and her practice stick dangled pathetically from her fingers. That was true too. She stared down at the ground under her feet. She’d cut him from his face to his collarbone. She got him in the shoulder. She stabbed him through his damn stomach and nearly killed him. 

She was so lost in her memories that is was a shock when his fingers touched her chin, lifting her face to his. “Hey,” he said, his voice, his eyes, serious again. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” His brow raised as he searched her face. “I pushed you. I was awful to you. Please. Don’t think I actually hold any resentment for your defending yourself against a monster.” A small, reassuring grin came to his mouth, “Plus, you fixed all the scars anyway. And I _mean_ all of them.”

She swallowed, but the lump that had appeared in her throat would not disappear, no matter how sweet he was trying to be. “I _was_ afraid, Ben. I was _terrified_ of you.” His hand slipped from her face and she shook her head, stopping her own thought, and she reached out to grab his hand. “No. Not you. _Him_.”

Ben nodded once, understanding. “And now?”

Rey looked up at him. His pale skin so bright in the sunlight, the spots on his face making a constellation that she was beginning to memorize, his perfect lips she couldn’t stop thinking about. She shrugged, her answer coming simply, “You’re you.”

He stepped forward slightly, his hand turning to hold hers back. “You don’t see me as that anymore?”

Rey shook her head. “Not even a little.”

Her eyes flashed back to his mouth, but just for a moment, before she stepped back and pulled her hand from his. She watched him stare at her and then blink until he was in the present moment again. She felt a little flutter in her chest at the thought that she could possibly have anysimilar effect on him like he had on her.

Ben shook his head and rolled his shoulders. “Come on. This is supposed to be fun.” He yanked the practice stick easily from the ground, and spun it in his hand skillfully. 

They were slow at first, careful. But after the first couple of moves, it became easier. Lighter. She could feel it all so clearly now. Now that she wasn’t filled with rage or fear or hate. She could feel their connection. So much like when they fought together against Snoke’s guards, how seamlessly they’d worked together. Their ducks and parries perfectly timed as if they’d practiced it a thousand times. This was how it was supposed to be. This was how it should have been from the very first moment they saw each other.

They were sweating, smiling. It was fun. She truly didn’t think it could be. But now that there was no pressure, nothing to fight or prepare for, it _was_ fun. She laughed out loud with one turn, avoiding him. Then she lifted herself from the ground, flipping over him with the Force, effortlessly avoiding another sweeping strike. She landed with her back to him, ready to spin, to fall to her knee, reach her stick behind his knees and pull him to the ground. 

But Ben was faster. 

He caught her, his arm curling around her waist, pulling her flush against him. She let out a huff of breath as his practice saber came only an inch beneath her chin. 

“Got you, scavenger,” he hummed from deep in his chest. His lips grazed the top of her ear when he spoke. A fierce shiver ran from the tips of her toes and straight up her spine. She was certain he felt it, too. She dropped her stick and clutched at his arm around her middle, anticipating he would let her go - instinctively wishing he wouldn’t. And he didn’t. They stood there a moment, chests heaving in time with one another. His lips still hovered above her ear, he held her so close. Ben dropped his weapon, but didn’t move otherwise. All at once, she knew was about to happen. She stared ahead until she felt it. The gentle push of his fingers on her chin, turning her face up towards his. He towered over her so, she hardly had to turn at all to do it, to look him in the eye. And then she moved.

One moment they were panting, eyes searching, and the next she’d turned in his arms and reached up, wrapping her own arms tight around his neck. It was one, deep, strong kiss. Not unlike the only other they had shared. The only other Rey had ever experienced. But this was different. This was better. Before, they were clouded in death and darkness, leagues underground. That place was not where they belonged. _This_ is where they belong. They were on a mountain island, basking in the sun and warmth of a new day that held nothing but lightness for them both. The power they shared thrummed keenly between them. Ben was so warm, his lips were so soft, she could have stayed there in his arms forever. But he held her so tightly to him that she didn’t know if it was his strength or her eagerness that would have set her lungs to burst. 

It was she who pulled away first, gasping for air in his arms. She watched him open his eyes and her stomach flipped when he looked at her. He somehow seemed equal parts shocked and vindicated. As if he hadn’t been expecting it then, but knew she would come to him in her own time. But through it all, there was a sort of reverence in the way he looked at her. He didn’t let her look away, not until she felt her feet touch the ground - because, at some point, Ben had lifted her off of it. Not that she had noticed. Neither it seemed, had he. Her arms slipped from around his neck as he set her down, and her hands lay flat against his chest. His arms were still around her, holding her close. But she couldn’t look at him anymore. It was like he could see through her, right into her soul. She turned her head and rested it against his chest, closing her eyes, trying not to let her mind race. His arms readjusted around her, wrapping around her shoulders to hold her close. She let her heart beat steadily along with his until her breathing slowed and calmed. She didn’t know where to move from here. They’d kissed before, yes, but this was different. This was the end of an impasse, the breaking of a dam. And she wanted more. She could feel in his embrace that he did, too. 

_Rey._

His voice was quiet in her mind, but still sent a little electric jolt through her. She was so lost in her head, she could sometimes too easily forget that he could find her there.

_What are you thinking?_

She squeezed her eyes shut. She knew he wouldn’t search, not unless she let him. But he sounded nervous. He wanted to know what she wanted him to do. Like she even knew what she wanted.

_Rey?_

She pulled away and looked up at him. “I’m hungry,” her brow scrunched as she said it, just as his raised at her words. “Are you hungry?” She pulled back from him and he let his arms fall to his sides, watching her. “Come on, let’s go eat,” she smiled brightly and turned from him, heading immediately back down the path to their huts.

She didn’t run, but she may as well have. She could feel him, hear him behind her. He kept to a distance, or maybe she just flew too fast for him to try to catch her. She couldn’t be sure, but she didn’t think he was upset. He seemed more curious about her peculiar behavior. And she couldn’t even begin to understand what she had just done. She wasn’t even hungry. Not for food anyway.

When they got back, there was a welcome distraction. The caretakers, returning from a fishing trip, had done some damage to one of their boats. Rey jumped right in to help, perhaps a bit too eagerly as a few of them started and shied away from her when she appeared. They visibly relaxed, though, when Ben came around the bend behind her. She had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. 

The repairs took up what remained of the afternoon, and Rey was glad of it. She could feel Ben’s eyes on her all the time. His fingers lingered on her hand when she passed him a tool. She nearly dropped it, her face still burning with the memory of his mouth on hers.

The caretakers thanked them as the sunlight faded and they walked back, silently in the direction of their huts.

Ben’s voice next to her startled her. “I thought you were hungry.”

“Oh yeah, I- I was,” she stuttered, “I mean, I am.” She looked around for a moment as she stepped up to her hut. “Want to come in for some food?”

Ben nodded, smirking at her. “I’ll be over in a bit. Just gonna go wash up.”

Kriff, did she stink too? Is that why he said that? Was that a hint? Sweating and working in the sun all day, she probably smelled terrible. She nearly knocked over the bowl of water as she tried to wash. By the time she managed to run her fingers through her wet hair and throw on some clean clothes, he was already knocking on her door.

They had a quiet meal, but surprisingly, it wasn’t awkward. They talked about small, trivial things, as it was always easier to do in the dark of night and glow of firelight. That was until he had to bring it up. 

“What were you thinking before? Up on the hill?”

She watched him, thinking, not all together surprised at his question. In the end, she answered honestly. “A lot of things”

He nodded, seeming to understand. “Me too.”

Rey blinked at him. And she blinked again. Slowly. And then she yawned. _Oh no_. “Sorry,” she apologized through it. She couldn’t help it. It _was_ a long day. 

Ben’s eyes crinkled at the corners as she watched her. “You’re tired.” It wasn’t a question, but she nodded anyway. He stood. “I better go.”

“Okay.” She stood and followed him to the door, feeling a bit guilty, a bit disappointed. She didn’t know what she wanted to happen, but she was sure that her reluctance was the reason that nothing did.

Ben turned to her at the door, standing quite close. “It’s very endearing, you know,” he said to her.

She was lost. “Endearing?”

“How timid you are with me.”

“Timid.” His eyes moved over her face, a small smile on his mouth, as he took in every way she reacted to his words. “Timid?” She narrowed her eyes at him. “I’ve never been _timid_ in my life! If you think I’m timid-” She poked at his chest, which was a bad idea. He caught her hand in his, quieting her.

“Rey,” he said calmly.

“What?”

“You ran from me today.”

Her face was immediately aflame. “I did _not_ run.”

“No,” he looked down, his hands warming hers. “But you walked very, _very_ fast.”

She grit her teeth. She couldn’t deny that. 

“This, too,” his right hand touched her cheek lightly.

“What?”

“When you blush. It’s thoroughly appealing.”

That shut her up.

His left hand came up until he held her face in his hands. She didn’t move. She wouldn’t have been able to if she tried. She watched, as if she was out of her own body, as Ben leaned down to her. Her eyes closed of their own accord and and there was painfully soft and brief brush of his lips against hers.

It was too much.

It would never be enough. 

Ben dropped his hands and stepped away from her. It took her a second to open her eyes. By the time she did, he was already backing away into the darkness toward his own hut.

She let out a breath and shook her head at him, biting her lip to stop her from grinning too enormously as he called back to her.

“Sleep well, Scavenger.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then Rey collapsed. 
> 
> Not really, but still, her knees must be a little mushy, right?
> 
> Softies being soft. Hope that wasn't too bad! More sooooooon!  
> I hope you all enjoyed your weekend!  
> Let me know what you think, if you feel so inclined!


	15. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one. An interlude, if you will. But I had to post something or else I was going to go mad.

Rose was lying on her back. A stream of dried black blood seeped from her nose. 

Rey was too late. Poe lay face down, a sickly gash in the back of his head as his arm, outstretched, reached for Finn’s hand. She clambered over her friends to Finn, who lay, just our out of reach of Poe. She fell to her knees in front of him, pulling him into her lap. She panted, struggling to hold him up. And he coughed dark blood down the front of his shirt. His eyes were blank as he looked up at her, she could barely see him through her tears. 

“You could have done more.” He coughed out. And then he was gone.

A stolid hand on her shoulder pulled her from her grief. “Rey,” the voice over head, comforting, a lifeline in all of this death and darkness. _Leia_. “Wake up.”

She woke with a gasp, her chest heaving as she struggled for breath, feeling like she’d been underwater. It took more than a moment for her to gather her surroundings, for her to realize it had only been a nightmare. _Another one_. She fell back to her pallet. She hadn’t let herself think of it for fear of hoping, but she hadn’t had one in days. And here it was again, back with a vengeance; her imagination pulling the darkness back over her eyes. She should have known it would only be a matter of time.

Getting to sleep had been difficult as she had thought, but it came, eventually, though it had not lasted long. It was still night. The fire was in near the same state as it had been when she had finally drifted off.

But though her day had been extraordinary, practically dreamy, in every sense of the word, her imagination had not been so kind.

She knew it was over now. She knew her friends were safe, wherever they were. She knew that they had each other, as they were meant to. But that was the thing about fear, just because your mind knew the monster to be gone, it didn’t stop the imagination from inflicting all kinds of torture with what might have - with what very well almost _had_ been. 

The moon shone bright through the round window of her hut. Rey felt tears behind her eyes, but she wouldn’t let them fall. For she knew, at once, she wasn’t alone.

_You’re awake._

Rey knew he lay in his own hut, in his own pallet. But the closeness of his voice in her mind still managed to give her a shock. She breathed a sigh of relief, being able to escape it. _Nightmare._ Again. Always.

She could almost feel him nod, as if he had known that would have been her response. And then he responded in turn, quietly. _Me too._ He was silent for a moment and she let the quiet presence of him in her mind calm her. _Are you alright?_

_Will be,_ she breathed a slow breath. _Are you?_ She waited for a response. There was none. Rey sat up and shivered, pulling her arms tight around her knees. His silence was louder than anything he could have said. She swallowed, wiping a tear from her eye with the heaviness of it. _Can you tell me about it?_

She could feel him thinking. Warring with wanting to forget about it and wanting to let it out. To share the burden. His response landed somewhere in the middle. _It was her._

And at once, Rey knew who he meant. The one person they really hadn’t spoken of. The one person they both loved so dearly. The one they’d lost, together, but still have been unable to grieve.

Rey ran a hand through her hair and buried her face against her knees. _I dreamt of her too._ She felt a little jolt in shock from him, but no verbal response. She didn’t know much about the rocky territory she was entering, but she felt she could be honest. _She pulled me out. Of the nightmare, I mean. It felt like, it felt like she was there._

Ben didn’t answer, but it didn’t feel as though he was bothered or offended by what she had shared with him. Something told her they were beyond all that. Still, he was quiet. And she knew he was struggling with something. It was another moment, watching the fire waver back and forth, before she realized what she should do.

_Ben?_

He hummed in response, in question.

_Want to go for a walk?_

_When?_

_Now._

_Now?_ His incredulity rang through their bond, and she nearly smiled.

_Well I know there is no going back to sleep for me. How about you?_ His silence was all the answer she needed. She stood from her pallet and stretched her aching arms over her head. _Meet me outside,_ she told him, definitively. _Dress warm._

_-_

The sight of him staring up into the moonlight did something to her. He wore one of the resistance’s collared shirt underneath a more familiar color that she hadn’t seen in quite some time. He turned to her and she saw it. The hole at his abdomen. The one she’d made when she stabbed him through with his own lightsaber. Without thinking, her hand reached out, her fingers tracing the jagged threads. “I’m so sor-”

But he cut her off, pulling her by the arm, until she was pressed against him, her head buried in his chest, wrapping his arms tight around her. After a brief moment of surprise, she settled in, snaking her arms around the small of his back, nestling the side of her face against his chest, breathing in the calming scent of him. It was clear he was doing the same. She could feel his lips on the top of her head as he breathed her in. The open wounds of their nightmares seemed to fade away into little more than a sore bruise when they were in each other’s presence. It was due to the healing strength of the power intertwining between them, yes. But it was more, now. The touch, tender and gentle. The knowledge that she was in the arms of someone who cared for her like no other. She never knew there was such a thing in the galaxy. The comfort, the ease of it all. There was no comparison, once she had finally let go. She only wished she had sooner. 

And though it was impossibly difficult to pull apart, she should still feel it, the worry in his mind. 

She sighed and pulled away from him. He released her only so that she could look up at him, their arms still tight, reassuring, around one another.

“Tell me what you’re thinking Ben.” She urged him. “You can tell me.”

Towering over her, Ben looked down at her, his eyes searching over her face in the light of the moon. “It’s not easy, being away from you.”

She felt a shiver run up through her toes, it came out through her fingers, where she tightened the grip she held on his shirt. But she shook her head. “That’s not it.”

A soft, sad smile came to his lips and his hand moved to her face, brushing a strand of hair the night wind had blown into her face. But he said nothing in answer. He showed her.

Or rather, he let her in, let her see what was on her mind. 

It was Leia. Years, ago. A decade or more. She was seeing through Ben’s eyes as Leia reached up and pushed a lock of hair out of his eyes. She was smiling, sadly, but she could tell this was a memory of a brief reunion. One of their few ever since he left to start training with Luke. And then the vision, the memory was gone and she was standing in front of Ben once more.

She blinked for a moment and pushed any thought of letting a tear fall in front of him. That wasn’t what he needed right now. She squirmed a little until he dropped his arms away from her, but she caught his hand before it could fall.

“Come on,” she tugged a little him a little and with a curious look from Ben, they started moving up the path. “I have to show you something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad these two live in a fictional world and don't need to practice social distancing. I hope all of you and your families are safe and healthy. I know being stuck inside isn't the most fun. Silly me thought, oh well now that I am teaching remotely, I will have so much more time for writing my fic!   
> HA!  
> I should have expected that it would have been more difficult and time consuming. Oh well. At least the NJ gov. is taking it seriously to keep us all safe!
> 
> Once I get this schedule thing down, I am going to make myself have more time for writing for fun. I don't know when I'll get the rest of this bit up, but I just had to post the first half so keep this thing updated.
> 
> End rant. How are you all handling what is going on right now!? Stay Well!


	16. All I Hear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummmmm okay I guess I can post twice in two days, right?  
> 2,500+ words for you :)

She was aware that he knew where they were going. She knew he could feel it just as strongly as she could. But she hadn't brought him all the way up there yet. Part of her wondered why he hadn’t insisted she do so, or why he hadn’t just come up on his own. But as they took their time navigating in the moonlight, hands clasped more for the need to be near one another than for balance or stability, she wondered another thing: what if he had been waiting for her to show him? Worse, could he have thought himself unworthy, unwelcome to visit such a pure and good place? She didn’t look at him as she thought it, but she did tug his hand closer, so their arms brushed against one another as they climbed.

They were near the top when Ben paused and let go of her hand. He’d broken out in a sweat from the climb. She had too, she realized as she watched him take off the heavy black shirt and threw it over his shoulder, reaching out for her hand again as they continued. 

He’d smiled then, but there was something else in it. Nerves? Fear? The closer they came to the peak, the stronger the pulse in the Force became. She knew what to expect when they reached the top. Rey could tell from his expression alone that he did too. She gave his hand what she hoped was a reassuring squeeze as they continued on.

Soon, the entrance to the ancient temple peered back at them in the night. 

Her presence was like a beacon, a wave of light that called to Rey as strongly as anything she had ever felt. Her steps felt effortless as she moved forward toward the temple, but a weight, an anchor, froze her in place, her arm jolting back when she realized what it was. She turned and saw Ben, starting in the the mouth of the temple, his jaw clenched together so tight it looked like his teeth would crumble in his mouth. 

He was terrified.

Rey’s heart fell and she stepped close to him. He still stared over her head in the distance, but she knew he could still hear her. Her voice was just a whisper, but it felt like the loudest sound in the world. “There is no anger in her. I know you must feel that.” She put her free hand over his heart where it beat frantically in his chest. She closed her eyes, wanting him to be calm, but knowing it to be impossible. Her only hope was that he wouldn’t turn back. She let out a breath and looked up at him. “You _can_ do this, Ben. She is calling for _you_.”

Ben let out a shaky breath and gave a little nod, still not looking down at her. But she could feel, she could _see_ his resolve. She squeezed his hand again. A second passed before he squeezed back. He was ready.

She turned to the temple and led him up the final dozen or so steps to the entrance. They stopped there, letting their eyes adjust to the change in light inside and the bright blue light that shone from the other end. Rey gasped, but heard Ben’s breath leave him all at once as he dropped her hand.

Leia turned to face them from across the way, a smile on her face as she saw them both standing there. There was a moment of perfect, contented silence as they looked at each other. And then she turned and looked at Rey. _Thank you, Rey._ She gasped again, hearing her master’s voice so clear in her head. _Thank you for bringing my boy home._

Rey nodded, and held back a sob in her throat. The tears that filled her eyes though, she couldn’t hold them back. If Ben noticed, she couldn’t have said. Leia turned to look at him then, her hand reaching out toward him as she called for him through the Force. He moved forward as if pulled by a string, and Rey stayed back. Leia had come to both of them in dreams. She had wanted to see them both, but she _needed_ to see her son.

Rey took in the sight of Ben standing across from the Force ghost of his mother, her heart breaking, knowing this should have, _could have_ happened so long ago. But she knew it was better than nothing. Ben needed this. To move on. To allow himself to heal and live a life that Rey already knew he was worthy of living.

She closed her eyes and turned, keeping the image of them in her mind, knowing they needed the time alone to talk. Before she could make it one step, she stepped on something soft. She looked down at her boot on the black fabric pooling on the ground beneath her. She bent and picked up the shirt Ben must have dropped in his shock at seeing his mother stand before him.

She threw it over her own shoulder and carried on down the mountain. 

Leia had come to her when she needed he most. When she couldn’t bring Ben back on her own. Her heart ached as she moved further away from Leia’s light, but she knew she would see her again. This was time Ben needed with his mother. 

She wondered, as she made her way down, what kind of child Ben could have been. She could picture him, all gangly arms and legs, his ears sticking starkly out of his dark hair. She brought her hand to her mouth to keep herself from giggling out loud. She would have loved to see it. She could see it so easily, following his mother and father about. They loved him so much, she knew. She’d seen it with her own eyes, even after everything that he had done. Rey didn’t know what it must have been like for all of them when things started getting dark for Ben. But as he told her, they didn’t even know what was going on. How could they have known, if Ben never told them?

Rey couldn’t imagine the pain, to lose a child in the way Han and Leia had. Though she supposed, in a way, her own parents had lost her too. She knew how it felt to be left, to be abandoned. She was only beginning to accept the idea that it had all been out of love. She was only beginning to understand what it felt like to be cared for. But what about caring for a child?What must that love feel like? The love Rey’s mother, her father, must have felt for her had been strong enough for them to easily sacrifice their own live’s for the sake of their daughter? And really, hadn’t Han and Leia done the same for Ben?

What a powerful thing it must have been. Though she didn’t feel the need to put a name to it, she knew the way she felt about Ben. But the love a mother could feel for a child, she couldn’t really picture it. 

Rey never once imagined being a mother. In fact, once she was old enough to realize in what way motherhood was possible, she did everything in her power she could to _prevent_ it from happening. Until a couple of years ago, all she ever pictured for herself was a solitary life in the sand. Now, she couldn’t know what the future held for her. When she pictured her life in the days, months, years to come, there was only one certainty.

She pulled Ben’s black shirt off of her shoulder and brought it close, hugging it to her chest. Rey was at the point now where she didn’t care to think of what might come tomorrow or the next day. She knew she could live on the island for the rest of her days and be perfectly content - so long as he was with her. The realization was surprising, that was true, but it also felt strangely obvious. As if her heart had known this all along, but it was just waiting for her mind to catch up. She was smiling to herself as she made the last few steps down to the huts. She passed Ben’s first and stopped herself, realizing she was still clutching his shirt. And an idea came to her.

-

Rey had to strain her eyes with the dimness of the firelight and the bone needle wasn’t the easiest to use, but she made do. Using the little kit of needles and rough spun thread she’d borrowed from the Caretakers to patch up her own clothes here and there, Rey made sure she closed each and every hole she could find in Ben’s shirt. She started with one she found on the right shoulder, the seams coming together easily, as they had been torn. The last hole she dealt with was the largest, the one she had made. This was not so easy to bring back together without a patch, the fabric having been singed away with the saber. She tied a knot and bit through the thread with her teeth, hoping the result wasn’t too bad. When she turned the garment outside-in, she huffed a little in disappointment. The beige color of the thread stood out starkly against the dark fabric and it puckered a little at the seams.

Rey yawned and blinked, looking up out her window, noticing the light of the suns that was just starting to change the sky from black to purple. She stood and stretched her limbs, reaching out for Ben. But in a moment she knew he hadn’t yet returned. She went back to his hut, the shirt folded neatly in her hands, hoping everything was okay. She hadn’t been in there for some time, not since he had been able to walk on his own. If anything _had_ changed, she supposed things looked a little more settled. There was a spot for everything, just as she had made in her own hut, as if he knew he would be here for a long while. Although, her things were not _so_ neat. Even his pallet she noticed had been made up neatly. She let out a little laugh and sat down on it, smoothing her hand over the blanket, which had been tucked tightly at the of the corners. He must have made it before he even came to meet her outside. She brushed her hands over the rough stitch on his shirt in her lap and sighed. She wondered how long he would be up there. She wondered what kind of state he would be in when he came down. And then, suddenly, she wondered, when she had gotten so tired. When had she even laid down? She sighed again, not finding the energy to care very much as she snuggled into the pillow that had appeared under her head and she pulled the bundled fabric close to her chest, drifting off in seconds.

-

A shifting on the pallet beneath her. The brightness of the sun on the other side of her eyelids. A strong, warm hand brushing the hair back away from her face. Rey hummed and nestled into the touch. And then she remembered where she was and was suddenly awake. Her eyes snapped open and Ben was there, sitting on the pallet next to her, his hand still in her hair as he smiled down at her. 

“Morning,” he murmured, just loud enough to be heard.

Rey closed her eyes and buried her face against the pillow. “Morning,” she mumbled into it, before she peeked up with one eye and looked at him slowly. He looked tired. But not angry. Not upset. She reached for their bond and all she felt was a strange sense of calm. Of peace. It made her sit up as she remembered. “Are you just now getting back?” Ben nodded and looked down to the shirt she had bundled in her hands. “Oh,” she said, remembering, embarrassed for it now. “I tried to fix it, but um…” she held it out for him. “Maybe it was better off before I got my hands on it,” she felt herself blush and turned away.

Ben took it from her and shook it out over his lap. He traced the creased seam she had made and she felt her face flush. What had she been thinking? At least it would have been better if she had waited until morning when she could have seen what she was doing. 

Ben turned to her though and smiled and Rey forgot what it was she had been worried about. “You fixed it. Thank you.” Rey swallowed and tried smiling back at him. But there was something else behind his eyes. “I have a lot I need to thank you for, Rey.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, not seeing it. And without even meaning to, she saw into his mind. The connection was so simple now, it was like there was no barrier between them at all. She pulled right back out when she realized what she’d done, but it was too late. She saw it all in an instant. How truly terrified he had been to follow her up the mountain. But then, what the night alone with his mother had done for him. The years of pain and loneliness were starting to ebb. The light that was well on it’s way to healing all of the broken pieces of him that she couldn’t fix on her own.

Rey shook her head, realizing what she had done, the secret space of his that she had just so easily invaded. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay,” he cut her off, as he was beginning to do whenever she attempted to apologize for something. He shook his head, a smirk creasing the corner of his mouth. “You forget, I’m used to having voices in my head.” Rey’s heart stopped. He’d just compared her to Snoke. To Palpatine. But then he looked down and let out a huff of breath that could have been a laugh. She’d been watching his face so intently, it was a shock when she felt him take her hand in his. And then all sense of mirth or teasing was washed away from his features and Rey could see him. He looked tired. He looked… clean. “Don’t worry,” he assured her, “It’s quiet in there now.” And then, in the most natural of movements, he bent his head the short distance between them until his forehead touched hers. Rey closed her eyes, breathing him in, letting the renewed lightness simmering around his signature in to calm and restore her shaky nerves. And in her mind, as clearly as if he had spoken the words into her ear, he told her, _All I hear is you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeling the Mommy and son time today so I figured I’d let you all in on the good news...
> 
> I’m pregnant :)
> 
> Funny story: A good 10 years ago, my then-boyfriend and I were thinking about baby names. We always wanted to give our kids nice, traditional names and the more we thought about it, the more we became attached to the sound of Benjamin. It stuck pretty quickly, given that we were 18 at the time.  
> Fast forward a few years to The Force Awakens and Han Solo shouting one single name down to his son, Kylo Ren. We looked at each other in the theater and said ‘Oh great, we’re gonna be naming our future son after the new Star Wars villain’. Little did I realize that Kylo Ren/Ben Solo would become one of my most favorite fictional characters of all time.
> 
> A few more years and we’re finally having a baby boy of our own. And frankly, I couldn’t care less if people assume we’re naming our son after Ben Solo (which has happened more than you’d think already lol).
> 
> 23 weeks tomorrow. This baby Ben is due in July.
> 
> Anyway, thought I’d impart some good news on you in this difficult time in our world. I hope, still and always, that you and your families are staying safe and well. All the love - and thank you for reading.


	17. Cohabitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your lovely words regarding my own little Ben announcement in the last post. It really brightened my corner of the world for a while :)
> 
> Things seem to be moving in the right direction with these two. But the angst is sticking around...
> 
> 2,700+ words for you on this fine Saturday!

_She’d taken the throne. She’d become Empress. The power of the Sith surged through her, but it was not like the power of the Light. It did not elevate or enlighten. It did not give. It consumed. The darkness was vile and heavy, like a viscous oil, choking every part of her. What was worse - Palpatine was there. He was everywhere. In every pore, in every fiber, in every breath. She’d killed him. She’d done it to save her friends. But Palpatine’s power still remained and had control. All of it. She screamed, but made no sound. His cruel laugh reverberated in her head and she watched helplessly as her own hands rose toward the skies, lightning flowing effortlessly from her fingers._

_There was no stopping it. There was no going back. She was a prisoner in her own body as she watched her friends plummet to the earth at her own hands._

-

She was screaming again, only she could hear herself this time. She kicked and fought at the force holding her back, still hearing her grandfather’s sadistic laughter in her mind. She didn’t know how long she fought. Seconds. Minutes? Whichever it was, it took her far too long to realize that she was awake. That she had been dreaming. That the force she fought against, the arms that tried to hold her, belonged to Ben. That he was there, with her, in her hut, trying to soothe her. Trying to calm her.

“Rey,” he huffed a breath of relief, seeing her eyes focus on him. “It’s alright. You’re alright. It was another nightmare.”

She froze all at once and blinked at him in the predawn light. And then a choked sob racked her chest and she collapsed into his arms. She cried - she sobbed, so forcefully she was sure he would back away, walk away from her as he did last night. But he did nothing of the sort. He held her closer as she clung to him and stroked her back reassuringly. 

This hadn’t been the worst nightmare she’d ever had, but it was close. The _feeling_ of it - it was so _real_. She’d never in her life felt so helpless. And she knew, with every part of her, that this could have happened so easily in real life. 

She could feel Ben’s worry through their bond. But he didn’t press. He didn’t ask. He hadn’t ever since they’d arrived on Ahch To. But he’d shown her so much, shared so much with her. She found her breath and, slowly, gently, she let him in. With her face still buried against his chest, she let him see it. She let him feel it. Every awful moment of the nightmare. What would have happened if she had killed Palpatine. What would have happened if he, did not show up for her. She couldn’t put her gratitude into words, but she showed him as best she could. The relief that flooded her senses when she felt him running toward her, when she saw him. When she knew, for once in her life, that she was not alone. And she hadn’t been alone since. She hoped he would understand. _Thank you, thank you, thank you_ , she chanted over and over in her head, showing him what the good that he had done. The lives he had saved. The peace he could bring her with just the touch of his hand. Things were so much easier when he was near. And now that he held her in his arms, if felt like nothing could touch her ever again. 

Their bond being so open, she hadn’t realized she’d let those thoughts through. Ben stiffened and straightened, pulling her up with him. He gripped her shoulders and looked into her eyes, serious now. Almost angry. “Enough of this,” he snarled out at her.

“Wh-what?” She stammered, rubbing a hand under her runny nose. As if what had happened last night wasn’t embarrassing enough, she’d just gone and made it all worse with her pathetic blubbering.

“Come on,” he said, standing, holding a hand out to her. “Get up.”

She did as she was bid, confused and startled by his abrupt change in demeanor. And then he moved her to the side and did something she had not been expecting. “What are you doing?”

Ben huffed, “What does it look like I’m doing?” He turned and made for the door.

She followed him, close on his heels. “It looks like you’re stealing my bedroll.”

“Not stealing it. Moving it.”

“Umm,” Rey sniffed and wiped at her eyes with the heels of her hands, “To where, may I ask?”

“You’re staying with me.”

Rey tripped on the next step, but caught herself before he noticed. She hoped. “What do you mean _I’m staying with you?_ ”

By then they were already at his hut. She watched him in awe through the doorway as he deposited her bedroll, pillow and blankets onto his bed. He paid her no mind as he walked back through the door and to her hut. She caught up with him as he was already making his way back with her pallet, holding it over his head. 

“That’s not going to fit in your hut. There’s no room!”

“Then we’ll build a bigger one,” he muttered simple, moving easily past her. 

Rey watched him with fascination as he pushed his own pallet all the way to the edge of his hut. Somehow, through a startling feat of engineering, he’d managed to squeeze hers in as well. BB-8 wouldn’t even be able to pass through the slight space between the pallets now, which seemed to be no issue for Ben, as he worked on rolling out her bedroll back onto her pallet. She watched in awe as he even went to the lengths of tucking her blankets in.

“You about done?” She asked him.

With one more fluff of her pillow, Ben stood and nodded, seemingly content with his handiwork.

“Great,” she nodded, crossing her arms over her middle. “Now, would you mind filling me in on your thought process here?”

“What do you mean? Isn’t it obvious?”

If it’s obvious that he wants to see the kinds of things she says and does in her sleep when she’s dreaming of him, then yes, it was obvious. But she kept the thought hidden, thankfully and shook her head. “Help me out a bit.”

Ben straightened and let out a heavy breath, running a hand through his hair. “When I stayed with you, when you were sick, neither of us had a nightmare.”

“Okay…”

Ben raised a brow at her. “I would prefer not to have any more and I’m pretty certain, after what you just showed me, that you could do without them too.” She felt her face redden, realizing that she was making him say what should have been obvious. “We’re a dyad. We’re stronger when we’re together in any way. Mentally. Emotionally -”

“Physically,” she cut in, her cheeks burning.

But Ben paid no mind. He merely raised a hand to her as if to say, _there you go, the girl has finally got it._

Rey shook her head. After the way he walked away from her last night, she was just still so confused. This was so out of nowhere that she didn’t know what to think. All she could say was the next thing that popped into her mind. “What about the caretakers?”

“What about them?” Ben looked like he hadn’t given them a thought at all.

“Well, don’t you think they probably have some sort of rule against, um, cohabitation?”

Ben looked back at both of the pallets and the scant distance between them. “Not quite sure I care what they have to say, if I’m being honest.”

Rey let out a breath of a laugh. She supposed he was right. There wasn’t much the caretakers could do in the way of kicking them off the island if they disapproved.

“So you’re alright with this then?” Ben asked, finally. “Sleeping in here?” _Next to me_ , his eyes asked.

Rey thought of last night, how strange it was that he didn’t say anything about it at all. But then she thought of her nightmare again, the terrible realness of it all, and nodded. It was worth a shot. She just hoped her hormones would remain in check. At the very least, she was pretty sure she’d be able to stay awake until he fell asleep. Another little part of her wondered, hoped, whether there would be a point that they simply just pushed the pallets together shared the same sleeping space. But she sent that thought away too and sighed, coolly, “As long as you don’t mind my snoring.”

Ben chuckled a little at that and came over to her, giving her a quick kiss on the head as he passed her to go out the door and start his day.

Rey just stood there, her eyes wide, as she tried to wrap her head around the whirlwind that was the last twelve or so hours. She didn’t know what to think. Here was Ben, moving her into his hut, giving her a peck on the head as if what had happened last night was no big deal. But it _was_ a big deal. To her at least. And it was strange that he was just going to leave things unsaid.

Over the last few weeks, their days had been much the same. Ben and Rey were still spending nearly all of their time together. Talking, smiling, training. She even got Ben to meditate a time or two. The laughter was coming easier now, as was the physical contact. Although, Rey had begun to notice a curious pattern of these events.

Whether it was catching his hand as they walked, leaning closer to him as they sat by a fire, or pulling him down to kiss her, it was always Rey that started it. It took her about a week of the same to realize it. And even then, she tried not to let it bother her too much. It wasn’t as though Ben ever seemed to _mind_ these new additions to their relationship. Far from it. He’d react in the way she expected him to. The way she wanted him to. Gripping her hand back when she brushed against his, pulling her close when she nuzzled into his shoulder, wrapping his arms around her when she kissed him.

But something had unraveled in her as the days passed. One night, as she laid down to sleep in her lonely little pallet, she became aware of the fact that she would find no peace, no relief in these simple touches and brief kisses. She needed more. She was always going to want more. It scared her and it thrilled her.

But then, the same thing would always end up happening that felt like a bucket of cold water was dumped over her head. Ben would sigh and pull away. Or straighten so she couldn’t reach him anymore on her own and smile down at her. And then he would let go. Say goodnight. Go back to his hut. Invariably, Ben was the one to break contact first. She tried her best not to think about this either, but she couldn’t ignore the lingering loneliness she felt whenever he would leave her alone in her hut. It was the starkest contrast and impossibly difficult to get used to. Rey’s days were alight with sunlight and warmth and goodness. The closer they became during the day, the harder it was, at least for Rey, to pull away at night. Sometimes it felt like it was all she could do not to tackle him to the ground and kiss him until he forgot he had somewhere else to be. But it wasn’t _just_ that. When Ben walked away from Rey, it felt like her own personal star was breaking away from her. It felt like unplugging from her source of power, of energy. It wasn’t painful, but it felt wrong. Unnatural. It left her feeling cold, no matter how close she pulled herself to the fire.

Last night, though, was different than the rest. When Ben was leaving her hut, he bent down to let her kiss him, as he tended to do when they said goodnight. But it wasn’t enough. She wanted more. She didn’t know what she was doing, but it didn’t stop her from trying. 

Rey stood on her toes and reached up, one arm hooking around his neck, her other hand burying itself in his hair. He seemed to understand what she was trying to do and he responded, his hands moving to hold her closer, resting on her lower back. _Good_ , she thought to herself, smiling into their kiss. She tried something else, stepping closer, pressing her hips to his. And he he answered her again, the fabric of her shirt bunching in his hands at the base of her spine. It felt so good, so right, to have him pressed against her. But it still wasn’t enough. She felt her lips part beneath his, wanting to shout with triumph when Ben followed her movement. She shuddered against him, and breathed him in, tasting him. Her tongue searched along his bottom lip, her mouth opening for him and then, like some kind of miracle, he responded in kind. Rey could have cried with relief. Finally, _finally_ , he was giving her more. And it felt like he wanted it too. She was utterly lost in him. She’d forgotten everything but the feel of his hips against hers, the taste of his tongue, his hands on her back. And she sighed. Or maybe it was a moan, she wasn’t exactly sure as she hadn’t been paying close attention to her own actions. But when she thought about it later, that was what had happened right before he pulled away. Abruptly.

Ben stood and straightened, releasing her as if she was on fire. She stumbled a little, not having him to lean against any longer. But he didn’t seem to notice. He looked like a wreck. His thick, dark hair a mess from her hands. His lips, usually plush and perfect seemed swollen from the extended effort. But it was his eyes that gave her pause. They were dark. Only he wasn’t looking at her. His eyes were on her mouth, watching them intently as if he was confused or maybe even horrified by what she had done. She stood, struck dumb as he disentangled himself from her and backed away.

“I’m,” she started, sounding choked as she tried to catch her breath, “I’m sorry.”

But Ben didn’t say anything. Not even goodnight. And she was left feeling worse than ever. 

For several minutes, she stood in the doorway, staring in the spot where he had disappeared. What had she done wrong? A sudden chill came over her until she was shivering in the doorway. She closed it and went inside, but the shivers remained. She tried pulling her pallet closer to the fire, but it was no use. She felt unnaturally cold when she had eventually fallen asleep that night. It was no wonder, she thought later, that she would have such a terrible dream.

She wondered if Ben would have said anything about what had happened last night if they both hadn’t been so distracted by the events of the early morning. She felt stupid and young and inexperienced. She _must_ have done something wrong. She only wished that he would step up and tell her what it was she had done to make him leave her so abruptly like that.

Rey breathed in a heavy breath, looking at her new sleeping arrangements. She knew their day would go on like normal. But she wondered whether he would ever kiss her again. Whether he would ever touch her again.

She hoped that by the time the night came, things would feel a little more normal and settled. She hoped that Ben was right and they wouldn’t have any more nightmares. And above all, she hoped she wouldn’t dream at all. Because if Ben was bothered by what occurred last night, he wouldn’t want to know the things her imagination concocted about him as she slept.

To hope for such a simple request would prove to be folly, of course. 

Because in the end, Rey would learn, there was always a way for things to get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. Rey is really stepping in it noooow! We shall see what happens - soon - I hope. 
> 
> It doesn't seem that I will be going back to the classroom this year, although the final word has not yet been decreed by the governor. So that means I'll be here, working from home through June - and trust me, I thank all the gods because I know I am one of the lucky ones. We had to cancel my baby shower, but goodness, there are more important things to be concerned about in the world. Hopefully it will all just give me more time to write!
> 
> I hope you are all safe and sound and healthy at home. Sending all the love and hope to wherever you are!
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this thing. I hope you continue to enjoy it. It's going to get good soon, I promise :)


	18. An Uninvited Knock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long. Just feeling a bit uninspired lately. But I really do miss the fandom and the discourse, so this is me trying to dip my toe back in after a month away.

Rey couldn’t keep her mind off of it for the rest of the day. She couldn’t think of anything else but their returning to his hut - _their hut?_ \- to sleep. But given their kiss last night and their new arrangements from this morning, it was still a particularly ordinary day. Or as ordinary as they had come to know their days there on Ahch To. They went about their normal activities: training, chores, meals. The only thing that was different was the place they ended up. Whereas they would usually retire to her hut by end of day, they ended up in his - _theirs?_ It was going to take more than a day to get used to, she supposed. Once they managed to settle into the confines of their new shared space, the meal and conversation they shared was nothing out of the norm. It wasn’t until Rey was yawning over mending one of her shirts that she realized it was time for sleep.

Ben hadn’t leaned in for their regular goodnight kiss and Rey was secretly thankful for it. Kissing him made her head all fuzzy. It was only his walking away from her at night that let her believe like she had _some_ kind of control over her feelings and actions. But to touch him, to kiss him and then just lay a few feet away from him? She didn’t think it would have been possible to stop at just that. _Great_ , and now she couldn’t stop thinking about it. She clamped down on the thin barrier kept between their minds and hoped he wouldn’t notice.

Ben was the first to lay on his pallet, taking one of the Jedi texts with him. That was good. Smart. He could easily distract himself, hide his eyes away as she tried to make herself comfortable in her own bed - which, _had it moved?_ It seemed closer to his then it had when she had just been sitting on it. Or was she just imagining things?

It took more effort than she had prepared to try to get into the pallet he had made up for her that morning. It was painfully quiet and she couldn’t help but say something to break the silence. 

“I don’t know what they taught you in the First Order,” she huffed with the yank that was needed to untuck one side, “but not everything has to be _quite_ so orderly.”

He let out a breath of a laugh, peeking his nose above the book at her, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Rey managed to squeeze herself under the blanket, without disrupting them too much, and flopped down on her back. 

She stared at the ceiling for a moment, listening to the fire crackle at the other side of the hut, the rustling of a page turning in Ben’s book. She sighed and settled in, closing her eyes. Ben turned another page. _What could he be reading through so fast?_ She sighed again and tried to fluff her pillow beneath her head. Had her pallet always had a lump in that spot? She didn’t think so. Usually she slept on her side, but turning her back to him felt forced and turning to face him felt far too intimate in the close confines of the hut. Which, she supposed she would have been fine with, but this felt different now. Silly, she knew, given everything they’ve shared. But she couldn’t help it. She sighed. Again. Or maybe it was more of a groan.

“Rey.” Ben’s voice, soft though it was, startled her. Her eyes snapped open and she turned her neck to look up and over at him. He was still sitting up in his pallet, long legs stretched out in front of him. “What’s wrong?”

“Wrong?” She squinted at him, forced a yawn. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“You’re restless.”

She stilled. “Am I?”

“Incredibly so,” he pouted at her subtly over the edge of the book.

Rey crossed her arms over her chest, turning back to the ceiling. At least the rocks staring back at her didn’t judge. 

From the corner of her eye, she saw Ben close up the book and he put it down on his lap. “If you’re not comfortable here, I can bring your bed back to your hut. Just say the word.”

_Oh._ She didn’t think he would have offered that. It wasn’t what she wanted, was it? Not truly.

Rey kept her eyes on a more friendly looking rock and tried to find the truth in her. “I’ve just never shared a sleeping space before.” It wasn’t a lie, but of course, it wasn’t the whole truth. Not right at this moment. 

Ben’s answer was immediate. “Neither have I.”

She turned to look at him. “Really?”

Ben nodded. “Maybe it’s why I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since I was a kid.”

They came from such different backgrounds and upbringings. Sometimes it was easy to forget how much they had in common. Rey turned to her side, realizing that Ben couldn’t have been completely comfortable at the moment either. Her voice was quiet when she finally responded. “I think it’s still worth a shot.” 

Ben looked at her, blinking slowly. He was tired too. 

Rey squinted at him. “Don’t you think?”

After the briefest of moments, Ben nodded in agreement.

Pushing her foolish apprehension aside, she snuggled into her usual sleeping position on her side, curling her legs up close to her chest under the blanket. “Come on, then. Let’s get some sleep.”

Ben gave her half a smirk. She watched him put the old book away and kick off his boots, which he tucked away neatly under the pallet. Rey hid a smile from behind her blanket as he got into his bed and matched her position, turning on his side to face her.

Rey was yet again thankful he’d not kissed her. Her heart was beating fast enough just laying beside him. They just stayed there looking at each other for some time. Until Rey felt her breathing slow, he heart calm.

And then Ben reached a long arm out to her, closing the impossibly small distance between them. He offered her his hand and she took it, letting him wrap his fingers around her own. She held him close, almost burrowing against it as she closed her eyes.

And she was asleep in seconds.

She didn’t dream.

—

Rey woke with a start, a sharp snore cutting off her sleep. She jolted awake, realizing it had come from her own throat. Her arm was bent over her eyes, attempting and failing to keep the bright light from invading her slumber. Her other hand autonomously searched of the empty space around her for the strong and calloused hand she’d remembered holding as she fell asleep. But it wasn’t there. And when she finally opened her eyes, she realized the man attached to it was missing as well. 

He must have been off on his own morning routine already. The sun was bright outside. She’d slept late. 

Later than she had in years.

She sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, letting her feet find the floor beneath her. She stretched her arms high over her head and let out a great yawn, planning to go out and fix herself up before he returned, but it must have been even later than she thought.

Ben came through the door in the same moment, in a fresh change of clothes, with a bundle under his arm. His hair was dripping from his morning swim.

“Morning,” he smiled at finding her in the position she was in. Rey gave him a sheepish smile, tugging her shirt back down over her belly after her stretch. Ben turned away from her, thankfully, and set himself to putting his various items back on his makeshift shelf. “How did you sleep?” He asked, his back to her.

“Well. _Too_ well.” She sniffed, running a hand through her hair. She hadn’t really thought this part of it through. Usually she had the opportunity to wash her face with cold water, lessening the natural puffiness that sleep brought to her features. “I’m sorry for snoring.”

Ben shrugged his massive shoulders, “I didn’t notice. I was asleep in seconds. Woke up late too.”

“Did you?”

Ben turned to her and nodded. “Best sleep I’ve had in years.”

Rey let out a laugh at his smile and bit her lip. 

So he had been right. And it had been easier than she thought. She only hoped that every night would be just as peaceful.

—

As the days passed, they both continued to sleep well. But Rey knew there was something missing. They hadn’t shared a kiss as magnificent as they had that last night by her hut. Yes, they had kissed here and there throughout the day, but they were brief, impossibly chaste versions of what she really wanted. There was something about the firelight, the darkness of the island, she realized that had made her so bold that night. And since they’d started sharing a sleeping space, she didn’t have the nerve to try it again. The urge to do so, though, that had _not_ gone away. 

Far from it, in fact.

So she was surprised, several days later, that what happened next had not happened earlier. All things considered, she had had yet another good night’s sleep. But it wasn’t necessarily peaceful. Unless she should consider dreaming about all of the terribly improper things she’d like to do with the man sleeping across from her _peaceful_.

She knew it was a risk, but the first night had gone so well, she didn’t think much about the consequences of letting her mind roam free as she slept. What ended up happening on this faithful night was nothing like when he came running to her hut after she dreamt of joining him in the pool. Ben didn’t just hear her call for him in her dream. He didn’t just hear her sigh or moan in her sleep as she imagined where his hands would lead if he ever just let go.No, those would have been trivial, silly moments that she could look back on and laugh. 

What happened this night - it was far worse.

Rey woke herself up, the sound of her own tortured moan escaping from the back of her throat so loudly that she was awake all at once. 

She was on her side, facing him as he faced her. It was still dark, but from the dwarfed height of the fire, she knew it had to be close to dawn. She also knew from the heat she felt on her skin that her face must have looked like it had been touched by the light of a thousand suns. It was only then that she realized she wasn’t the only one awake. Her eyes snapped up to Ben’s across from her. He didn’t look concerned or worried like the last time. 

He looked alarmed.Embarrassed.

And at once she knew. He hadn’t just heard her reaction to her dream. He’d _seen_ it.

_They were sitting together in a great field, the high green grass surrounding them moved in the breeze like ripples on water. She heard what sounded like a great torrent of water off in the distance, but didn’t bother looking around to see any more of her surroundings. Ben was holding her attention all his own. He was laughing, truly laughing, at something she had said. His smile was so bright it competed with the sun high over their heads. She twirled a delicate, purple flower between her fingers before reaching over and tucking it behind his ear, which only made him laugh again. She leaned over then and caught him up in a rough and clumsy kiss, all clashing teeth and giggling at the start. And then he was running his hands through her hair, and their laughter turned to heavy breaths. And then Ben was pressing her down among the cool grass, trailing kisses down her jaw, her neck, lower…_

It was then she’d let out the moan, waking them both.

And now they just lay there, staring at each other. They were silent for quite some time. Ben’s chest heaved with quick and heavy breaths just as hers did. It was too long a moment before she felt brave enough to say anything.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, pulling her blanket up to cover her mouth. 

She wanted to jump out of bed, run for the door and keep on running until she jumped into the sea and he forgot about everything he’d just seen. The other, idiotic part of her, wanted to jump on him where he lay and finish what they started in her dream.

She did neither of those things, though. She merely lay there, staring at him as he stared at her.

And then he said something absolutely nonsensical.

“Was that my dream or yours?”

Rey squinted at him, “W-what?”

Getting to know him better, it was clear had more of an analytical mind. Already focused on the ‘how’ rather than the content of the dream, Ben sat up, his mind already trying to work out this specifics. “I couldn’t tell. At first, of course, I thought it was mine.” Rey sat up slowly, keeping her blanket wrapped around herself as she watched him work through the phenomenon they just experienced.

“You,” Rey stuttered, “You thought the dream was yours?” _Was this still part of the dream? Had he really just said that?_

And there he was, just nodding at her. “But it seems you dreamt of the same thing? The field of grass? The flower-”  
“Yes,” Rey waved a hand in the air, interrupting him. No need to talk about what they’d just imagined. What _they’d_ imagined. So it wasn’t just her… _Maybe it’s happened before and we haven’t realized._

“Maybe.” 

Rey gave a start, forgetting to keep that thought in her mind alone. 

Ben looked inquisitively at her. “We could go over the last dreams we’ve had if you want, see what matches up, just to be sure that-”

“No need for all that,” Rey interrupted him again, “I think we can just go without and say _this_ was our first shared dream.”

Ben, seemingly looking back in his own mind, nodded. “Probably for the best.”

Rey gulped over a lump in her throat. She had to keep the conversation going. Otherwise she didn’t know what she would do. “How did that happen, do you think?”

Ben shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “It must be a part of our bond, though it was never mentioned in any of the texts.” Rey let out a heavy breath, still trying to wrap her head around it. “Is that something you want?” Rey’s head snapped up at the sudden question. His eyes were serious as hers were wide. “Or would you consider it another one of your nightmares?”

Rey couldn’t help the unattractive snort that escaped from her. “Nightmare? Are you joking?”

But then she realized - _Kriff, he really doesn’t know? Was he going to make her spell it out for him?_ His brow furrowed further and she knew that, _yes_ , that would be precisely what she would have to do.

She closed her eyes and sighed, yet again. Maybe it was the hour, or maybe her patience was just shattered. But she didn’t hold back, despite her despicable stutter. “I, I don’t know what you want, Ben.” She shook her head in absolute bafflement now, in disbelief that she was about to say these things out loud. But she was exhausted. And she needed to have it out. Even if it made her look like a fool. “I know I’m no good at, at, _kissing_ or anything. But I thought, for a while at least, that you wanted, that you didn’t mind,” she slammed her hand on her pallet beside her, hating how juvenile she sounded, but it was like she’d released a damn - she couldn’t stop. But I’ve never done anything like this before and I know I don’t know what I’m doing but I just, I can’t stop sometimes or I don’t want to and then you’re, you’re always pulling away or letting me go and I get it, okay? I get that I’m bad at it and I, I just wish you would tell me what I’m doing wrong or just tell me to keep away and I’ll never bother you again if it’s so unbearable.”

Rey stared at the floor, her face aflame as she let the idiocy of her words sink in. 

When Ben finally, finally responded, his voice was soft, curious. “You think I think you’re _bad_ at it?”

She kept her eyes on her feet. “Yes.” The silence that followed felt like it would swallow her whole.

“Rey,” There was something in his voice that made her look up. She watched him cautiously as he clenched his teeth, searching for the words. “I pull away because if I don’t,” he watched her intensely, “I don’t know that I’d be able to stop.”

_Oh._ That answer hadn’t been anywhere among the realm of possible responses she could have anticipated. She was so shocked that she couldn’t help the question that came unbidden from her lips. “So I’m not bad at it?”

Ben let out a bark of laughter that made her jump. He ran a hand over his jaw, trying to hide a smile that told her how ridiculous he thought such a question was. “Far from it, Scavenger.”

His answer made her flush, but for a whole different reason. Still, there was another question she needed answered. Only she couldn’t find her voice to ask it. She relied on their bond. _Can’t you tell that I want more too?_

When he answered, his eyes were serious again. “Yes.” 

“Then why do you-”

Ben shook his head. “Sometimes I think I just can’t believe it.”

She was baffled. “Why? You, know now, surely you must know, how I feel.”

“Because of how badly I wanted-” He stopped his thought and she didn’t push. She waited for what he was willing to share. “Before,” he tilted his head, “then,” he waited for her to confirm her comprehension. He meant back in the very recent past when they had been enemies. She nodded, encouraging him on. “I asked you for everything,” he shook his head again. “Demanded it. I wanted everything from you. Too much. I won’t ask you for a thing anymore. I’m more than satisfied with whatever you’re willing to give.”

_Oh for kriff’s sake_ , she wanted to say, _then take it!_ But she hid the thought in her mind. Given her explicit actions over the last weeks, she didn’t think she could _be_ any more clear! But she supposed words would have to do when it came to something like this, a world so uncharted between the two of them. 

“Ben,” she tried softly, “We’re the same. If we’re dreaming the same things, I think its safe to say we want the same things.” She reached for his hands across the way and he took hers and held them. “Besides, you and I, we’re not in a position to deny ourselves of _anything_ any longer. Those rules, those walls we hid behind for so long, they don’t apply anymore. Not here. Not to us.”

He looked up at her then, with such a heat, a burning intensity in his eyes that she could have sworn she’d dreamt this exact moment before. He leaned forward, and kissed her, not fiercely, but deeply, warmly. She could have melted. It was the first move he’d made of his own accord and she was paralyzed with happiness. It was all she could do but to climb into his lap and push him down on the pallet. She might have too, if not for the knock on the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting there people! Let me know what you think, if you feel so inclined!
> 
> I hope you're all safe and well. Thank you for reading :)
> 
> P.S. I can't believe I missed posting on Star Wars Day - but [here is my celebration photo of me and baby Ben](https://fancykidmd.tumblr.com/post/617218956034441216/may-the-4th-be-with-you-from-me-and-baby-ben) from the day anyway. And yes, this shirt is the very first thing I purchased after finding out I was pregnant. I've got my priorities right where they should be, thank you very much.


	19. Ignore It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh the perks of being 31 weeks pregnant and wide awake all night. Feel free to thank Baby Ben for this one. 
> 
> We're getting there people...(not today lol) but we're getting there.
> 
> For fans of Chapter 10: Swimming...

“Ignore it.” 

Ben’s demanding tone, murmured urgently against her mouth, made her want to do nothing else. 

But whomever was at the door was annoyingly persistent. As much as it pained her, Rey couldn’t help but pull away after the third knock and Ben groaned, knowing she was right - they weren’t going to go away. “This better be good,” he muttered as he stood and made for the door.

Rey, for her part, remained quite still, watching him, trying to remember the conversation they just had. But with the sudden eagerness of his kiss, it was enough to make her head spin. Which was why she barely had enough sense of mind to pay attention to what was going on at the door. 

She blinked, trying to clear her head. She saw the caretaker through the crack in the doorway that Ben hadn’t been blocking. She heard her frantic tone, saw her hands waving back and forth. She watched Ben’s shoulders fall in reluctant acceptance. It wasn’t until he answered back in the native language that she was able to understand any part of it. He shut the door in the caretaker’s face and turned back to her.

“What do you mean _we’ll be right there?_ ” Rey asked. “What do _we_ have to _be right there_ for?”

There was an obvious effort on Ben’s part to not roll his eyes.  
  
Rey blinked at him, trying to recall the foreign words she’d just heard exchanged. “Did she say there was a _disaster_?”

It was then that Ben did roll his eyes. “Their form of a disaster, yes.” It turned out that the tide had been unpredictable during the night. It rose higher than normal, higher than anyone on the island had been expecting. This, in turn, left the gathering place on the low ground absolutely flooded. And if they didn’t get all the help they needed now -“Then they’ll have to cancel their party.”

Rey covered her mouth, trying, and failing, to stifle a laugh. 

Ben shook his head.

Rey bit her lip, trying to hold back her ridiculous grin. “Has it already been a month since the last one?”

Ben leaned against the wall of the hut and crossed his arms. “Apparently.”

Rey sighed and looked down at the place he’d just been sitting across from her. As much as she’d like to continue where their early morning had left off, she knew they both owed far too much to the caretakers of the island to just abandon them now. 

She stood up and stretched her arms over her head. “Alright,” she sighed, “let’s get this over with.”

\- - 

The usual gathering place was unrecognizable underneath the water that had streamed in on that side of the island overnight. It took hours and merely lifting stone stools, driftwood benches out from under the sea and over to the higher ground felt like a waste of the Force. But, after a while, Rey saw how pleased, how relieved the caretakers were. She supposed, as did Ben, begrudgingly so, that it was the least they could do for the natives that gave them a safe place to be together. They hadn’t even said a word about their cohabiting, as Rey had been expecting. Plus, they seemed to forget about calling her _clumsy Jedi_. Though there was a close call or two that morning when Rey nearly got her old name back. Like when she watched Ben physically lift a heavy driftwood bench over his head and walk it over to the new spot and she nearly dropped a stone pillar on a huddle of caretakers - that wouldn’t have been good. There was a time or two when she caught his eye on her as well, and she’d turn away, still feeling his unabashed gaze on her back.

By the end of it, they were spent and sweating underneath the sun that was now high in the sky over their heads. The caretakers were immensely please and grateful, which made both Rey and Ben smile, though they still felt ridiculous for it. They were promised a _celebration of heroes_ at the party that evening and Rey couldn’t help but giggle at that.

Rey and Ben stood back when they finished, watching the natives swarm the new space, decorating and organizing it to ready for their gathering. Rey yawned despite the connection between her and Ben feeling as tense as a live wire, she’d woken up very early after all. She could have gone in for a nap, if she was being completely honest.

But then Ben looked at her and suggested something she hadn’t been anticipating.

\- - 

“Don’t be nervous,” Ben instructed with a teasing tone, doing nothing to alleviate her fears.

“I’m not nervous,” she lied.

“You are,” he tapped at his temple. “I can feel it.”

“I told you,” she muttered through gritted teeth, pushing him out of her head, somewhat playfully, “this is a first for me.”

“I know, but-”

“There weren’t many options for me on Jakku, Ben.”

Ben chuckled a bit at that. “Alright, well, there’s truth in that. But, come on,” he persisted, “I still can’t believe you’ve never tried before. Not even once?”

Rey shrugged, remembering. “There was one time. It kind of happened on accident though.”

“On accident? How?”

“I fell in.”

Ben stared at her, mouth open, from his place in the pool. He shook his head, thinking better of it. “Come on,” he inclined his head toward the expanse of water behind him, which she had to admit wasn’t _all_ that big. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you, Rey.”

Rey blinked at him, hearing the sincerity in how simply he said such a thing. But it was the truth, wasn’t it? She’d tried to push away any grander meaning other than the fact that he clearly wouldn’t let her drown, but she couldn’t help it. Ever since he’d come for her on Exegol, she’d not been alone. He was there with her for every moment. For once in her life, she didn’t have to rely solely on herself for every little thing. They were a dyad. They were partners. And they would help each other through anything now; big things, like saving the galaxy for instance or small things, like learning how to swim. It was a strange notion that she was only beginning to come around and acknowledge. And it wasn’t something he had any idea she was thinking about given the simplicity of the current situation. 

Rey watched him standing there, chest deep in the pool. Focusing on her fear of swimming was easier than focusing on Ben, shirtless standing, waiting for her in the pool. The last time she thought about this place, it was in a dream. A very vivid dream where they both didn’t do very much swimming at all. Also in the dream he’d not been wearing anything below the waist. Where now, he was only shirtless in the water. That was enough to distract her though. She thought about doing to same, to swim in her breast band only. It would make sense after all. But after the way Ben reacted to her this morning in their hut, the way he watch her in the sunlight just before, she knew that to do such a thing would have been opening herself up to some sort of ogling for which she knew she wasn’t prepared. Besides, the sleeveless shirt she wore with it’s thinning fabric shouldn’t weigh her down too much. She hoped.

She took a hesitant step closer, letting her toes dig into the muddy sand and she wiggled them tentatively at the water’s edge.

“It’s cold,” she heard herself shutter pathetically under her breath. 

“You’ll get used to it,” Ben smiled endearingly at her, holding out a hand the short distance away. 

She looked at him, seeing the goosebumps on his chest and shoulders. _Not likely_ , she thought. But staring at him as she had been, her feet started moving of their own accord and she hadn’t heard him when he warned her about the sudden drop off.

Rey yelped when her foot missed a step that wasn’t there, dropping her into the deep, cold water. But before her head could go under, Ben was there, an arm around her waist, holding her against him. “I’ve got you, Scavenger,” he chuckled into her ear.

It was cold, yes, but a chill ran down her spine for an entirely different reason. It was only then she realized how she clung to him, her arms grappling for purchase on the wet, smooth skin of his shoulders, her legs instinctively wrapped around his middle.

“Here,” she was mildly aware his moving in the water around her. “You should be able to stand here.”

She was frozen to him though, not out of fear, but of how startlingly good it felt to be held by him, of how similar all this was to her last dream of him out in this exact pool. And if she didn’t extricate herself from him now…

Ben seemed to be thinking relatively the same thing, as his hands moved, gently, to her waist. Her heart jumped at the newness of the touch, but it was clear he only meant to move her off of him. She did as she was bid, finding the silty floor beneath her feet all at once reassuring and mentally grounding.

Rey cleared her throat, pulling her hands away from him. The water came up to her chest, and it was all she could do but to stare at his, near to her eye level now. She shook her head and looked up at him. “Sorry. Panicked.”

Ben shrugged and stepped backward, deeper into the water and away from her, floating a little on his back. “Well, let me know when you’re ready to panic again. I kind of liked it.”

Rey let out a noise halfway between a cough and a laugh. _What kind of cheeky-_ She couldn’t believe he’d say such a thing. It was rare that he joked with her and she hadn’t been expecting it. She couldn’t say she minded, though.

She felt silly at first, especially after her ridiculous reaction to being nearly submerged. But it wasn’t often that someone had to teach her how to do something. And she thought, privately, given the lingering touches on her arms, her side, her back, as he helped her maneuver about in the water, that there were other things she’d rather he be teaching her at the moment. 

But soon, she was able to focus enough to actually learn something. And soon after that, she was confident enough to go deeper on her own, to make her way to the other side of the pool and back, feeling his eyes on her all the time. The second time, she swam with strong and steady strokes, gliding through the water as though she’d known how all her life. 

She couldn’t believe it. She was swimming. Actually swimming, not just struggling to the surface of the mirror cave like she had all that time ago. He caught her up on her last pass and aside from the self-assured, childlike grin she felt on her face, he noticed something else. 

“You’re cold,” Ben said, watching her teeth chatter together as she shivered. “Let’s get out.”

They waded out of the water, and sat next to one another on the sand. The sun was bright overhead, and Rey let a chill run through her, the warmth already easing the tension she’d been holding. She rung her hair out and once her shivers eased up, she looked up him. “That was easier that I thought it would have been,” She squinted at him in the light. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” he smiled crookedly at her, pushing the wet hair out of his face.

Rey couldn’t help but watch him. Worse, she couldn’t help but let her eyes linger on the shape of his arm as he put it back down at his side. She let her eyes wander upward, over his abdomen, his chest, his massive shoulders, water drops glinting off of him like marble in the sunlight. She could think of nothing but how badly she wanted to reach out and touch him, to feel the warm strength beneath his skin that she’d only felt in her dreams. The first time she’d seen him like this was here on the island, only he was scarred, wretched and distant. But here he was, sitting beside her, warm and real and contented just to be with her. Her gaze had reached his collarbone, where there was no scar, and she saw him swallow heavily. It was then, she realized, she’d been staring for quite some time and had gotten closer to him. Or had it been Ben that moved? Her eyes flashed up to his, her cheeks already alight with shame for having been gawking at him so. But, as she expected to meet his eyes, she’d found he’d been watching her too.

And, she realized, she hadn’t given much though to the color she’d been wearing before swimming. But it turns out that the result of an old, off white fabric being soaked through with water left very little to the imagination. With one glance down at herself, she could see what he did. The very apparent outline of her breast band beneath the see-through fabric which clung to every slight curve and angle of her, especially now with her quickening breaths. Her eyes flashed up and Ben’s followed not a second later. But where her immediate reaction was to be embarrassed at having looking at him like that, Ben obviously has something different in mind.

_Oh._

Their heads were leaned so close together at that point, she wasn’t quite sure who moved first. But in an instant, they collided.

It was a whirlwind, a chaotic release of the tension that had built up from the morning, and Rey was all too pleased to be caught up in it all. Her arms snaked around his neck and she shivered, finally getting the chance to store away the knowledge of how his skin really felt under her fingertips. She’d been paying such close attention to the new sensation that it took her mind to catch up with a few things that had occurred in the meantime. 

This wasn’t like all of the other times. She couldn’t feel him slowing, his hesitant, but insistent pulling away. It didn’t feel like it was going to end any time soon. Far from it. He met her for every move, just as it they were sparring. Which, she supposed, in a way, they could have been.

In her eagerness, she’d bitten down on the swell of his bottom lip. This, he didn’t seem to mind. Because she now found herself quite beneath him as they kissed like they never had before. It was fervent and hungry, almost rough in the way they seemed to pull at each other. He held himself up over her, one hand tangled in her mess of wet hair, the other underneath her, pressing into the small of her back.

But it wasn’t enough. She needed more. More touch. More contact. She arched her back up to him until their chests pressed against each other. And then her mind struggled to keep up with how instinctively her body moved, with how she reacted.

When she thought back on it, it was when his fingers found the skin beneath her shirt that she lost track of things. She’d shivered, pressing herself even closer, burying a hand in his hair, opening her mouth further for him. She’d been so focused on the taste of him that it came as a shock when she felt his hand slide down beneath her, sliding under her bottom and gripping gently, but firmly into her thigh. Her body reacted, knowing what it wanted, knowing what _he_ wanted. She dragged her foot in the sand and pulled her knee up, wrapping her inner thigh around the side of him so their bodies could meet more effectively. And when their hips touched, when she felt him, hard against her, she gasped into his mouth. This, _this_ is what she wanted. _This_ is what she was waiting for. Ben pressed her down into the sand and she heard herself whine, her hips squirming beneath him. 

And then something released in him, a sound, almost like a growl came from deep within his throat. She couldn’t think of anything else. All she felt was him. All she could think of was him. All she wanted was him. 

And then she was lost.

Lost in a vision.

A vision from long ago.

And then she wasn’t there anymore. She wasn’t _her_ anymore. And it was as though, all of a sudden, ice water flooded her veins.

“Ben,” she whispered against his mouth, “Wait.” She reacted before he had a chance to stop on his own. And then he was hovering a half meter over her.

“I’m sorry,” she rolled away and let him down as gently as possible, her heart hammering against her ribcage as she sat up and watched him, a hand over her mouth as she waited for his reaction.

Ben turned heavily onto his back and covered his eyes with an arm. His lips were red, more plump than usual. She didn’t take her eyes off of his mouth. She watched him swallow and his breath slow. “Not your fault,” he finally said, sounding distant, “Went too far.”

“No, you didn’t. I - it was me. I-” But she couldn’t find the words. She couldn’t even explain what just happened. There she was just this morning, whining about him not giving her enough. And he finally did and her ancient fears came back and ruined it all.

_What an idiot._

She was mortified. 

She was only glad that he wasn’t looking at her. 

And without knowing what she was doing or why she was doing it, she was on her feet, walking away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My how the turn tables...
> 
> I SWEAR that is the LAST TIME she will run away from him.  
> All will be explained and discussed in the next chapter.  
> Like I said in a few comments last chapter, this is going to be a very long day.
> 
> Anyway, starting my second job, next week - I sell badges at my local beach - so I'm praying I get some more done before then. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you're all well and safe :)


	20. Validation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Rey rumination and self-loathing. It will all be forgotten by the end of this chapter, believe you me!
> 
> Also, from today forward, I'll only be posting new chapter notifications on my reylo sideblog [youshotfirst](https://youshotfirst.tumblr.com), so give it a follow if you'd like to stay updated :)

She felt like she could cry. But she wouldn’t. Because that would have been ridiculous. Why in the galaxy would she cry when she’d just gotten exactly what she’d been waiting for. And for that matter, how could she ever run away after getting exactly what she wanted.

She really couldn’t stand being around herself sometimes.

Rey stomped through a congregation of porgs in her path back to the huts, their high-pitched squawking doing a number of her already high-strung nerves. 

She could still feel Ben as she left him further and further behind. She closed her mind to him, but she could still feel it. His confusion, his worry. Worse, an undercurrent of regret, self-loathing.

_Kriff_ if she ever managed to fix this new problem she’d just created between them he’d probably never touch her again. A logical voice in the back of her mind taunted her. _Well if you wanted him to touch you why did you_ run away _when he did?_

She groaned audibly, hating herself even more.

Rey didn’t know how she made it back to her own hut so quickly, but she was there before she knew it, slamming the door shut behind her. It had been days since she’d spent more than a few minutes in there and when she did it was only to wash or to change her clothes. But she had a feeling she’d be moving her pallet back in before the night was over. 

She’d never felt so stupid in her life. She ran her hands through her hair, finding it was still wet, sandy and tousled from Ben and his apparent enthusiasm for the situation in which they had found themselves. 

Rey sat heavily on the stone bench built into the wall of the hut. _What had just happened?_

It wasn’t long ago that Ben had teased her for being timid around him. And then once she started to get more bold, he pulled back. It was only _that morning_ that he admitted to doing so for her sake. So she challenged him. And he called her bluff. And where did that leave them? On opposite sides of the island for one - seeing as she’d run away from him. _Again_.

But what she’d seen…

She let a hateful shiver run through her. She’d thought she’d been rid of them, the dark visions that haunted her recent past. She’d thought of them since arriving on Ahch To, that much was true. But she’d never felt like she was actually _living_ one again. Not until that very moment. Not until they came together in all the ways she’d been wanting. But once it came, there was nothing she could do to stop it. And she could see nothing else. It had frightened her. And if she was being honest, it frightened her in more ways than one. 

Maybe she wasn’t as ready as she had thought.

Though she felt it, and she knew she certainly must look it, Rey wasn’t stupid. She knew what _more_ meant. Sheltered and inexperienced as she was, she wasn’t a child. She knew how these things worked, even if she didn’t really know _how_ they worked. She knew it was only a matter of time before she and Ben took that next step. And she wanted it, she wanted it so badly. But she’d gotten in her own way again.

With nothing better to do, Rey stripped off the wet and sandy clothes and scrubbed herself down with the ice cold water she’d always left in her hut.

The cold water and harshness of the rag she used to clean were a stark contrast to how good Ben had made her feel by the pool. The softness, the smoothness of his skin under her fingers. The heat that had crept up from her core and spread to her limbs making her feel all heavy and watery when he touched her. She’d felt it in the way he pressed himself between her legs. She knew what would have come next if she hadn’t _lifted_ him off of her with the Force.

There was a part of her, albeit a small, insignificant part, that was fighting for her to be kinder to herself. She had to remember where she came from, didn’t she? All that history didn’t just go away because she wanted it to. 

Back on Jakku, once she had found out how these things worked, she’d always been afraid of it. The idea of willingly letting someone in, letting someone get that close, it was preposterous. Of course, there was never anyone that she would let come to her on Jakku, especially when she learned what would could result in such a union.

She rubbed absentmindedly at the place in her arm that had healed long ago. Once she learned what could happen, she’d had the implant installed to prevent it. She grew swiftly out of childhood, more swiftly than she’d noticed. But it didn’t stop others from Jakku from paying attention. The implant had cost her a hefty sum, but she knew not eating for a couple of days was worth the ten years of assurance she so needed if she ever failed to protect herself. Thankfully, such a thing never occurred, but the risk had been too great to take for granted. There was no need to bring another person into the world in which she lived, least of all a person that she would have been responsible for. Rey was fourteen when the device was installed. So if she took that estimation to be true, she had another three years of use out of it. 

Not that she would be needing it anyway. Even if Ben didn’t blame himself for what happened by the pool, she couldn’t imagine it would be easy to convince him she was ready for that step in their relationship after what she just did. But she knew, of course he would blame himself. And it was going to take some admitting to her own trepidations to alleviate him of that guilt.

\- - 

Rey was clean and in a fresh change of clothes by the time the suns began to set. She knew Ben was back in his - _their_ hut. She could feel it. After letting her hair dry and combing it through, she tucked it behind her ears and set her shoulders. It took her more courage than she would have thought necessary, but soon she was headed out of her door and toward Ben. She took her time, not feeling the need to hurry and face him. 

As she reached the door, before she could even knock, he’d opened it for her.

And before she could say a thing, he was speaking, “I’m sorry.”

She blinked at him. It was the first time he’d said such a thing. And for something completely not his fault. He’d taken the words right from her mouth. “For what?”

“For going too far,” he looked absolutely wretched. “For pushing you.”

“No,” Rey shook her head, hating herself for letting him think that was the case for such a long time. “You didn’t,” she tried to sound stern, but her tone wasn’t as effective as she’d hoped.

Ben looked at her disbelievingly and stepped back, allowing her the room to come in. She did and he closed the door behind her. When she turned to face him, he was already talking again. “A little while ago, I asked you if you still saw _him_ in me. If there was any part of you that was afraid to be with me,” he clenched his teeth and turned to her. “You promised me there wasn’t.”

Rey nodded eagerly. “And I meant it. I still do. I do,” she swallowed, trying to find the words. “I still see you as you, Ben. But something happened back there. And I just,” she sighed, hating how weak her words already sounded. “I just got scared.” She saw his nostrils flare as his jaw clenched, and she was quick enough to correct herself. “No, not of you! I’m, I’m not very good at explaining things, Ben. Just give me, just give me a minute.”

She huffed out a breath as he seemed to relax, but only in the slightest way. She put her hands on her hips and shuffled her feet, searching the stones in the ceiling for the way to explain what she’d felt. They were no help. There were two problems with what she’d seen. But she’d have to start from the beginning.

She bit the edge of her bottom lip, barely hearing herself when she spoke. “Did you ever have visions?”

“You know I have.” Ben sounded mildly impatient. And she couldn’t blame him.

“I know, but,” she swallowed, “ones of us?” He looked at her like she’d caught him doing something he shouldn’t have been. “No,” she corrected, “Not us. But the people we could have turned into if we had both fallen to the dark.”

“Yes,” Ben’s answer was immediate, serious. He must have known where she was going.

She breathed in, shaking her head slowly. “I don’t know what happened before, but all of a sudden it was like I was living in one of those visions again and I just,” she shrugged, “It frightened me.”

“What did? _Him._ ” Ben stated clearly. It was a question, but rather a confirmation of his own fear.

Rey squinted thoughtfully at him. He meant Kylo again. But even when he had been Kylo Ren, Ben never seemed as dark and depraved as the version of him she’d seen in her visions from the uncertain time before.

But that wasn’t it. She turned from him, embarrassed to say her deepest fears aloud, but knowing they’d never move on from this moment if she didn’t. She crossed her arms over her chest, looking at the crumpled blankets on her pallet. “Of _her_. Of that creature I could have so easily become. I thought that since I didn’t go down that path, that I would be rid of her. But it felt so much like she was creeping back in. Like she was taking over.”

Ben’s voice was softer now, sincere. “A vision isn’t the truth Rey. It isn’t the future. Nothing we see in our visions is set. It’s all just a path. A possibility. It took me long enough to learn that. Besides,” he took a breath, seeming to relax a little “You’re the furthest thing from her.”

“Didn’t feel like it today,” she muttered.

Rey heard Ben shuffle his feet. “Letting yourself…feel good, it doesn’t mean you’re turning to the dark. No matter what the Jedi tried to teach for generations.”

“I know,” she turned to him, shrugging again. “I know that. But the last time I remember feeling that way, it was through her. Not me. It just, it spooked me.”

“ _Spooked_ you?” Ben’s brow raised at that, and Rey felt hers furrow.

“Don’t laugh at me,” she tightened her grip around her middle. “It’s true.”

Ben bit back the start of a smile, “I’m not laughing at you.” He stepped closer to her, obviously feeling better about the situation. But there was something else. Another thing that gave her pause. Another thing she had to get out in the open before things went along any further.

“I do have a question for you, though, Ben,” she tried, warily. “Are you sure all this is what you want?” She felt a heat rise to her cheeks and felt small like she was standing in a bit of a hole. “With me?”

He looked at her crookedly. “Explain what you mean, Rey.”

“I’ve seen what you, what you wanted. What you must be expecting of, of me.” He squinted at her, but the scrutiny was too much. She kept her eye at a spot on his shoulder, unable to look him in the eye as she finally finished what she wanted to say. “I think you should know, before things go any further that I’m not, I’m not _that_.”

“Rey,” the poor man looked utterly lost. “What are you talking about?”

“The visions, Ben.” She looked at him in the eye, but he still seemed disconcerted. “Don’t look at me like that, I know you know what I’m talking about. I know you saw them too. You just said you did!”

“I know,” he confirmed cautiously, “But what does that have to do with-”

She put a hand up, “Just let me, just let me explain okay?”

He gave her a stiff nod, looking concerned now. 

She tried to ignore it and slowly, haltingly, sputtered out an explanation. “What we were in those visions, those dark beings, the way I changed, the, the things we did and the way we were with each other…” She stood up straight and looked him in the eye. She defeated Palpatine, didn’t she? She could at least tell Ben Solo something this simple. “I don’t know what you expect of me, but I can’t give you that. I don’t know _how_ to be like that. I don’t know how to do much of anything.”

Ben was already shaking his head before she finished. “Rey, I don’t know where you got that idea, but I don’t-”

“But the visions,” she tried again. “It showed you what was supposed to be between us and I can’t help but feel like there must still be some small part of you that expects me to be like-”

“Let me make a few things clear before things go along any further,” Ben raised his voice, not in anger, but only to be heard. She clamped her mouth shut, letting him interrupt her for once. “I _expect_ nothing from you. I told you that, even this morning. Remember what I said? Whichever part of yourself you’re willing to share. It’s all more than I deserve anyway.”

Rey rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her hair. “I know you say that, but-”

“And those old visions,” he shook his head, interrupting her once more, coming closer so she had to look up to keep his eye. “It’s not what was _supposed_ to be. If it were supposed to happen, then it would have. But this,” he reached out, taking her gently by the shoulders. “This is what was supposed to happen. This form of me. Of you. Here, together, in the middle of nowhere. Rey the only version of you that interests me is the one standing in front of me now.”

Rey could feel the truth of it pulsing through their bond. It verged on reassurance, but she couldn’t let herself be too sure. And he could feel it. She could tell he was frustrated, but he didn’t let her hear it in his voice now. It was soft, as they stood closer together. The familiar, deep, rumble from his chest that sent a comforting warmth surging throughout her body. “It took me long enough to figure out what I wanted, Rey. Those visions, they weren’t it.” 

She looked into his eyes, golden as honey as he watched her, and she knew he could feel what she did. There was a hum in the Force around them, between them, within them. It felt like approval. Validation.

“The visions weren’t what I wanted,” he said again, and she believed him now. “They weren’t what I dreamt of.” He lifted a hand to her and traced delicate line from her ear down to her chin, tilting her face up to his. “That’s not what I dream of.”

Rey was suddenly incapable of speech, so she relied on the bridge between their intimately connected minds. 

_And what is it you dream of?_

Ben’s eyes were warm and hopeful. And she was lost again as soon as she heard his voice in her head, answering her softly. 

_Let me show you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys... 🤭


	21. Later: Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAH OK I KNOW IT'S BEEN NEAR A MONTH BUT APPARENTLY THE WORLD IS FALLING APART. Plus I've been working literally every day selling beach badges to people that are also losing their minds. But the school year is over, I'm almost at my regular schedule for the summer job, and I've got some more chapters to pump out before this baby makes his way into the world. Also, blame any typos on pregnancy brain. 
> 
> ANYWAY...
> 
> Here is Part One of, well, you know...

But he didn’t get a chance. 

Because whomever was there to knock on their door now surely had the most atrocious timing in all of the universe.

But, just like last time, there was no ignoring it. And from the way Ben’s jaw clenched as soon as the rapping came, she could tell the moment had passed. 

Based on the sound of it, there was more than one caretaker outside the door. And by quick succession of the second knock, their impatience was palpable.

Ben released Rey, entirely reluctantly. Even if she hadn’t been able to feel his disappointment through their bond, she could see it in his eyes. She wasn’t sure, the Lanai were growing louder now outside, but she thought she’d let out a bit of a regrettable sigh when he let her go. And before he turned from her to the door, she saw something flash behind his eyes. She couldn’t exactly put her finger on it, but she knew it was meant to be something like a promise. 

Something to assure her that, soon, they would pick up right where they had left off. It gave her a little tingle in her belly, the knowledge of it. 

_Later,_ she told herself. And she felt the word flow through her as if it were the most beautiful sound she’d ever heard. _Later_.

But first, from the appearance of the sudden gathering outside the door, they had a party to attend.

\- - 

As much as an inconvenience the interruption had been, both Rey and Ben thoroughly enjoyed themselves at the gathering that evening. Rey, for one, couldn’t believe it had already been a month since the last one. Since they called her _clumsy Jedi_ and she stormed away all confused and upset. Since she thought Ben had left her for good. But there he was now, filling up her second cup of the potent drink the Lanai reserved for such events. 

They’d been escorted ceremoniously over to the new gathering area by the gaggle of Lanai that had come to their door. And after a bit of applause and fanfare for the _heroes,_ and a little forced display of the work they could do, Rey was pleased they were left quite alone to enjoy the party as they wished. Which, of course, was just to revel in the company of one another.

Rey watched from afar as three Lanai from the neighboring island approached Ben. She smiled at the exchange, seeing his apparent discomfort, but she did nothing but sit back and watch. They must have insisted on another demonstration of the Force, for soon the cups were levitating before Ben as the ladle floated over on it’s own to fill them, one by one. The Lanai watched, enrapt at the miracle before them and Rey clapped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing aloud. 

After a smattering of applause from the nearby caretakers, they let him go, and Ben returned to her holding the cups in his hands now, looking a bit chagrinned. He took in the look on her face and tilted his head at her. “Not a word,” he muttered, sitting down next to her as he passed her the cup.

Rey slid the hand from her mouth and took the offered beverage, sure to brush her fingers over his as she did so. “I didn’t say a thing,” she tried, biting back a grin. Their wooden cups tapped solidly together before they each went in for a sip. 

The caretakers ensured that they’d eaten well, so Rey wasn’t feeling as affected by the concoction as she might have on another night. She’d had never had more than one cup full of the stuff, but with the way she was feeling, she didn’t mind the assistance of a second to calm her nerves. She sipped at it again, less cautiously than before. “It does get easier the second time around, doesn’t it?”

Ben, in the midst of his own drink, coughed and nearly choked. When he was recovered, he looked at her openly, and she immediately felt her face aflame. Clearly, she wasn’t the only one whose mind remained on the matter still left unattended between them. “The drink, I mean.”

Ben licked at his bottom lip and cleared his throat, nodding. “Yes. Yes I suppose it does.” He grinned at her and let out a little huff of a laugh, which only made her more self-conscious. She shook her head at him. “What?”

His smile grew wider as he looked at her, and she felt her brow furrow in frustration. Then she felt his hand on hers, where he brought it to his knee and looked down at it. He turned her hand over so her palm faced upwards and Rey watched as he traced the delicate lines, the harder pads of callouses that developed over the years of working with her hands. He had the same, she knew. Both of them, healed by one another, but still scarred in some way through the lives they both lived. Training, fighting to survive. 

But there was no more fighting now. Not in the galaxy. And certainly, not with each other.

Back when they were on opposing sides, their bond used to feel as electric and dangerous as a live wire in the rain. And while it was still palpable, it was now more of a simmering burn. Something she was always aware of, no matter how far apart they were on the island. Something that was always present. Always bright. But here now, sitting side by side, with his hand touching hers, it was an all consuming blaze and something that could no longer be ignored.

Suddenly, Rey had no need to finish the second drink as her fingers curled up and gripped onto his. She rose, still holding his hand, and his gaze followed her as she stood before him. She gave him a squeeze and tilted her head back in the direction of their hut.

“Let’s go.”

-

She didn’t release him. Not when he stood and made to follow her. Ben stayed close by her side, intertwining his fingers with hers as they passed through the Lanai, so in their cups they barely noticed as their guests of honor slipped away into the night. As the firelight faded behind them, as the sound of the sea breaking against the shore replaced the noise of the party, Rey could feel her heart fighting to burst from her chest. Still, they kept a steady pace, moving onward to their hut, to what came next. It was only when they approached the door that Rey realized perhaps she should have finished that second drink. All of a sudden she was feeling far too sober. But Ben stopped her before they could open the door. 

“Rey,” Ben pulled her back to him, looking instantly serious and entirely too beautiful in the moonlight that shone on him. He dropped her hand gently and took her face in his hands. A familiar twitch pulsed beneath his left eye. “Promise me something.”

Rey looked at him, utterly entranced. He’d never asked for something like a promise before. She felt small as he towered so closely over her. But wholly secure and safe within his hands. So she nodded. 

Ben’s eyes searched hers, “Promise me you won’t push me away. You won’t lock me out.”

After a breath, she nodded again. She felt immediately guilty for all of the times she pushed him away, closed herself in her mind, and kept him out. She’d done it even earlier that day, too afraid to let him know everything she thought. But though she _knew_ things would be different now, she was unable to find the words to explain it. To explain that she no longer had any desire to close her self off from him, in any way, ever again. But she didn’t have to find the words. With their bond so open, she saw that he understood exactly what she had intended him to. 

And in a blur, his lips crashed down to meet hers with a fervor she’d been craving since that afternoon by the pool. _No_. Stars only knew how long she had been waiting for this. 

They burst through the door, not bothering to let go of one another. They hadn’t broken contact from the time he’d handed her the cup, and she wasn’t about to free him now. Ben fumbled with shutting the door behind them as Rey reached up on her toes to get closer to him. He answered in kind, gathering her up against him. They were clumsy, all clashing teeth and roaming hands. Rey smiled into their kiss, hearing a giggle escape from her throat when he touched the skin at her side, nearly tickling, where her shirt had risen up. And suddenly, clothing of any kind seemed rather necessary. She pulled at Ben’s shirt and he understood immediately, only breaking their kiss to pull it up and over his head. Rey wasted no time, her hands finding his bare skin, smooth and warm and solid in from of her. 

But Ben shook his head. “Your turn”, he murmured against her lips and she was all too happy to please. She broke off, pulled her own shirt over her head, and tossed it to the floor. Her simple breast band the only thing that covered her now. She stood there looking at the fabric pooling on the ground for the briefest of moments before he gathered her up in his arms again. She let out a sound, something between a yelp and a laugh, before his mouth was on her again. Rey thought that her scavenger self could feast in the finest hall of the finest palace in all of the galaxy, and she still wouldn’t be able to find something that tasted better than him. Even better was the way it felt to be touched by him. Feeling his hands on her bare skin did something to her. And before she knew what she was even doing, her fingers were tugging at his waistband.

She wanted…

She needed…

She froze. 

What _was_ it that she wanted, exactly? What was it that she needed so desperately, to do? 

Well, she wasn’t quite sure, what she?

_Kriff._

Ben slowed at her hesitation until they were both standing there, foreheads together, breathing heavily, neither of them making a move. All at once, Rey felt entirely sober and incredibly stupid. Here she was, the one who had wanted this so badly, and she had no _kriffing_ idea of what to do next. 

“Are you cold?” Ben’s clear voice came to her like a shock.

“No,” she said, automatically, feeling a shiver run through her.

Close as they were, Ben could feel it too. “You’re shivering,” he said simply, obviously.

“I’m not,” she swallowed and looked down and away from his gaze. She stared at her hand over the place on his chest where the scar she’d made used to be.

Ben waited a breath before speaking again, his thumb moving in a reassuring circle where he held her at the small of her back. “Are you nervous?”

Rey shrugged, still unable to look him in they eye. “A bit.”

Another pause. “But you still want to-”

“Yes,” she interrupted, taking a step closer so their chests touched, afraid he would pull away.

He didn’t. “I won’t hurt you, Rey. Not if I can help it.”

She looked up at him like he was an idiot for even wondering if that was something she was thinking about. “I know.” 

She let in a deep breath and forced herself to calm. Or at least to _appear_ calm. 

So what if she didn’t know what she was doing? Right? She didn’t think Ben would care. He already _knew_ she’d never done this before and that didn’t seem to give him any pause. Besides, maybe it would be better this way. He could guide her through what to do. He was patient and he was gentle, even when she didn’t necessarily want him to be. Thinking that at least one of them knew what they were doing, Rey felt one last nervous shiver run through her before she finally got so outside of herself that she noticed it.

A feeling. 

A knowing, so distant that she couldn’t tell if it was in the back of her mind or in his. But she found it. And now there was no looking past it.

Her eyes snapped up to his, “Ben.”

He made no move. Gave no response. He only looked down at her, seriously.

She grit her teeth, seeing it as clear as day now. “ _Ben_.”

He gave her half a guilty grin, somewhat shamefaced, somewhat teasing. It was the teasing side of him, though, that seemed to win over. And he shrugged. “You never asked.”

Rey had the sudden urge to shove him, but it faded into hopelessness so quickly that there was nothing she could do but shut her eyes bury her head in his chest. She shook her head against him and let out something of a pathetic whine. 

Ben wrapped his arms around her, his voice calm and steady as ever. “Are you angry with me?”

“I’m _annoyed_ ,” she murmured against his skin, turning her head to the side as he held her against him. “I was _losing my mind_ , Ben. Afraid you’d judge me for not knowing what I was doing. For not being _good_ enough. Don’t you think it would have made me feel better to know you’d never done this before either?

He rested his chin on her head and sighed, sounding like he was genuinely considering her question. Finally, he answered. “No, I don’t think it would have.”

She felt a little hysterical laugh leave her throat and she could feel the embarrassment he tried to hide away. She shook her head against him, pushing that thought right out of his mind. “How are we supposed to know what we’re doing?”

Pragmatic as always, he replied. “Well, we’ve dreamt it before, haven’t we?” His hands trailed up and down her back reassuringly as she stood there, and then the sarcastic tone in his voice was back. “And we have those old dark visions to rely on if nothing else.” 

She scoffed a little at that and Ben chuckled lightly in his throat. “Aren’t _you_ nervous?” She asked him.

But she felt him shake his head decidedly above her. “I’m not.”

“How come?”

Ben breathed in deeply and kissed the top of her head. He moved and she pulled away to face him. His lips pressed against her cheek, her jawline, her neck, ultimately settling on the bare skin of her shoulder. “We’ll figure it out,” he muttered against her, “It’s just you and me.” His lips pressed against her shoulder, sending a shiver of a whole other kind blazing down her back. “It’s us.”

He repeated the trail of kisses, going back up until he reached her forehead. He stayed there and breathed in deeply. Rey closed her eyes, letting the solid, strong beating of his heart beneath her hand calm her.

Ben was right. 

After everything they’d been through now, they still had one another to rely on. This was just another step. A _good_ one. One they both had wanted so badly they seemed to forget that neither of them had any idea what they were doing. But it didn’t matter, did it? They had seen one another, they _knew_ each other, in every private and innermost way she knew how, except for one. He knew her, knew her _mind_ , as well as she knew her own. Bodies were nothing compared to such intimacy. So what did she have to fear?

She opened her eyes and let out a breath, which sounded more calm than she felt. But still, it seemed to help clear the worries from her mind.

Ben straightened and looked at her, his dark eyes untroubled as he watched her.

And all at once, she knew what she had to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I had every intention of posting it all right now. Just one and done. But this is almost 2,700 words on it's own and I figure if I post the second half within the next 48 hours, this could hold you off until then.
> 
> And oh yeah, I am a 100% believer that our Ben is a virgin. You kidding? That lonely little boy was waiting for none other than his Rey. And nothing you can say will convince me otherwise. We'll dig into that once they start, you know, like talking after everything. 
> 
> So sorry I've been away. I hope and pray all of you are healthy and safe and sane during these crazy historic times. 
> 
> Like I said, my goal is to post Part Two tomorrow, but I will give myself the grace period of 48 hours just incases. Love and miss you all!


	22. Later: Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3,088 words for you. Ben is super sweet as warned about in the tags lol but don’t worry if you hate that sort of thing. They’ve got time to get a little more brave with each other. Hope it doesn’t suck. Don’t tell me if it does I'm like 9 months pregnant and emotional. 
> 
> Check out my [Feels Like Somewhere playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1T2tpi3bp8BaK2oEDE6Sq5?si=4gYACWi-RseZTnyDHUcyQQ) for songs like Enough In Your Eyes, I Don't Mind, Till Forever and Eavesdrop for this chapter!

Rey stepped back.

Ben leaned forward, not wanting the separation, but once he saw what she meant to do, he stilled and watched her.

Rey could see every emotion that flashed through his eyes one by one. His concern when she pulled away, his relief when he saw she wasn’t moving too far. She kept her eyes on his as she unwrapped her breast band, moving slower than she would have if just undressing on her own. She could feel his intrigue and fascination as she unwound the last of it and let it fall in a coil at her feet. She didn’t look down and follow his eyes. She knew what he would see. Something no one ever had before. Her bare chest, the smattering of freckles over her collarbone, her small breasts and belly that were an entirely different shade from never seeing the sun. She watched him closely as he looked back up at her and he swallowed heavily. With that, she knew he wouldn’t judge her. Not only because he’d apparently had nothing to compare her to as she had secretly feared, but because she could feel his need for her through their bond. She could feel how hard it was for him to stop himself from taking her right then. 

The thought made her stupidly brave. Brave enough to slide her pants down over her hips, until she kicked them off at the floor beneath her. The only thing that hid her from him now was the few inches of space that separated them. There was no sound in the room but for the crackling of the fire, their breathing, the frantic beating of her heart in her own ears. Still, it was a moment before she realized they’d just been standing there staring at one another. So she stepped forward to him. When she moved, his eyes flashed up to hers, and he kept her gaze as she looked up at him, her fingers finding their way back to his waistband, giving an encouraging little tug at the cloth that kept them from each other. That seemed to snap him into alertness once more, and he obliged. 

Brave as she told herself she was, she couldn’t look down. She _was_ still terribly nervous. But she knew, if she could only feel his hands on her again, she’d forget all about her worries. She brought her hands between them, placing her palms on his chest.

“Ben,” her voice was quiet, as it rang between them, breaking the silence. “You can touch me.”

And he did. Gently, tentatively, she felt his hands on her hips. Her breath hitched in her throat at the return of his touch, so delicate on her bare skin. Ben kept his eyes on hers as his hands moved over her, tracing the parts of her he only ever touched in her dreams. His hands trailed up her back, sending a shiver running through her like never before. Then he kept a hand at the small of her back and brought her closer to him until they met in the middle, their chests touching. As much as it might have been uncomfortable to crane her neck to keep her eyes on his, there was nothing that could distract her from the feeling of his body against hers, of watching him as he explored her. He brought his hand around her hip and moved his fingers delicately upwards between them, over her belly, until his thumb traced the bottom swell of her breast. When his thumb moved up and over the already sensitive point of her nipple, she shuddered and clung to him. And she could feel him, the hardness of him, pressed against her belly where they stood. Ben let out a huff of a breath at the new sensation, and maybe from the shock of it and where his hand still lay on her, he pinched her.

Things moved rather quickly after that. Her arms snaked around his neck and she buried her hands in his hair as she raised herself to her toes to kiss him. His hands became more bold as their tongues and teeth clashed. Neither of them seemed to think it was close enough, though because somehow, there she was, up in his arms, her legs wrapped around him, a whole new sensation rippling through her with the feeling of him holding her up against him. If she’d climbed him or if he lifted her, she couldn’t remember. All she knew was that she couldn’t get close enough. In the midst of all this, Ben must have used the force to push their pallets together. A good thought that she was in no state of mind to think of. He laid her down on it, climbing over her as he had earlier in the day. Only now, she was warm and comfortable and free of any fear, or clothes. She nearly felt giddy at the thought of it. Nothing would stand in their way now. She didn’t care if the entire village of Lanai came to bust down the door, they were just going to have to wait. 

Ben leaned in close to her, and kissed her neck, nipped and sucked at the sensitive skin beneath her ear. Her eyes shut of their own accord, but she felt, her hands moving, searching down the planes of his chest, until she felt him, hard and solid in her hand. She gasped as the size and smoothness of his skin and Ben let out half a choked sound at her touch. It made her bold again. She had no idea what she was doing, but maybe some parts of her dreams got some things right. Besides, he seemed to like it. 

She didn’t want to wait anymore. She squirmed beneath him and tugged at him, showing him, she hoped, what it was she wanted. She could feel, immediately, that Ben understood. But he had something else in mind.

“Wait,” he panted in her ear. “What can I do? First. For you?”

Rey’s eyes snapped open to find him hovering over her, his face close to hers. She felt her brow furrow. “What do you mean? Why?”

He brought his forehead down to hers and she understood. He was afraid of hurting her. And in case he did, he wanted to make her feel good first.

Rey sighed and arched against him, kissing him. “You’re not going to hurt me,” she muttered under her breath, trying to convince him.

He shook his head, making it clear that he didn’t believe her. “I want to,” he kissed her deeply once, “Let me,” again. And then through their bond, she heard his voice in her mind. _Show me._ He was so earnest, so sincere, that she couldn’t help herself. She bit her lip and opened her mind to him, showing him, not telling, what he could do. 

The corner of his mouth tilted up in half a smile, obviously pleased with his victory. He kissed her, but settled himself on his side next to her, clearly seeing the need to use his free hand for a more specific purpose. Rey whined a complaint in her throat that was quickly cut off when his hand trailed down the flat of her belly and traced over the curve of her hip. Her fingers dug into the rough spun blanket beneath her, her other arm still wrapped around his neck, tightened, with the need to pull him closer. To kiss him. To feel all of him against her as he went to do what he was about to do. 

But she could see what he wanted. He wanted to watch. He wanted to see her come undone by his touch alone. Her heart jumped when she thought such a thing in her head and his voice followed, not hiding the truth of it. _I’ve waited too long for this, Rey. Don’t rush me._

She opened her eyes and turned her head to him, looking at him, knowing exactly what he meant. She nodded, thoroughly enjoying the sound of his voice as he touched her. His hand slipped between her thighs and pulled at her leg, sliding it closer to him, opening her for him. Rey quivered, watching his eyes as he took in the sight of her. All of the times she dreamt of him looking at her this way, and here he was. It was actually happening. His fingers moved up her thigh and over the lower part of her belly again and she practically shook against him. 

Ben could plainly feel her disappointment as he felt her in every place but the one that so craved his touch. He watched her reaction with a crooked smile, clearly enjoying the torture he was putting her through. He bent closer to her, his lips brushing against hers as he spoke, “I said, don’t rush me.” She leaned up kiss him, but he pulled away again, smirking with an all new enthusiasm as he continued to turn her into a desperate heap beside him. 

It was quite a thing, really. The way he was able to touch all of the right parts of her as if he’d memorized her body long ago. And perhaps, given their visions and dreams, perhaps he had. It went one for what felt like an agonizingly long time, this torture. His fingers ghosting over her skin, and back again over all of the sensitive parts of her that made her squirm. It was all too much. But nothing near enough. She’d been so focused on the sensation that she didn’t notice how she begged him so wantonly in her mind. And then finally, _finally_ , he obliged. 

She felt like she’d been shattered in two and the sound she made was unlike anything she’d ever heard from her own lips. Her fingers clenched hard into his shoulder and her eyes shut tight she thought she would see stars. _No_ , she _was_ seeing stars. And he’d barely even done anything yet. He’d merely placed the pad of his thumb at the most sensitive and alive part of her. 

_Show me, Rey._ He demanded in the back of her mind. _What do you want?_

Without hesitation now, and ashamed of nothing, she directed him where to go in her mind. Ben cursed when he dipped a finger inside of her, and she knew what he felt. How warm, how wet she was for him. And with their minds as one, he knew exactly what to do. Only it felt so different, so much better, her fingers free to grip into him rather than bringing the feeling upon herself. Although, she’d never, _ever_ felt like this own her own. And when he slipped another finger into her, she shuddered again. There was no pain, only a mild pressure that she’d never experienced on her own before. It felt obscene. It felt glorious. He moved in a way he could tell she wanted. She didn’t have to even say, he could just feel it, they were so connected. Soon, too soon, she was close. It was happening faster than she would have expected, especially for a first time for the both of them together. She kept her eyes shut tight, focusing on the feeling alone. Rising, warming, climbing…

“Rey,” Ben interrupted, but held his fingers in the slow gradual build within her. “Look at me.” And she did. He bent over her, watching her every breath, her every move. And Rey was lost in him, his dark hair, his warm eyes, his pale skin, silhouetted slightly by the firelight. The way he looked at her as if she was everything. She was done in seconds. And when she came, she swore she felt the stones of the hut shudder with her. 

He finally kissed her then as she was coming down, and she clung to him, knowing immediately it wasn’t enough. So she begged unabashedly in her mind. _Please. Please don’t make me wait anymore. I need you. I need…_

_I know._ His answer was immediate and she could feel his need for her as equal as her own for him. Ben raised himself over her and she followed his move in the only way she knew how, opening her legs for him as he settled on top of her. He reached down, taking himself in hand, poised at her entrance. He moved himself against the soft, wet heat of her and she could have cried at the touch. He shuddered and she brought him closer, her hands gripping into the small of his back.

But there was a moment of hesitation in the back of his mind, the leftover worry that he’d be hurting her. She pushed it away, reassuring him with another deep kiss and a purposeful squirm that brought him minutely into her. She was ready. She was beyond ready. And from the tortured look in his eyes, Ben was too. 

“Ben,” her fingers trailed up his back and she buried her hand in his hair, giving him the briefest of tugs, urging him on. “Please.”

And with that, with his eyes on hers, he relented. With one smooth, stroke, he was inside of her. Rey gasped at the feeling of it and Ben froze, sounding altogether breathless. There was pain, at first, yes. But quickly, it was replaced by another feeling all together. Not pleasure, not just yet. But a rightness. A knowledge that this was how things were meant to be all along. The two of them together. They were made for one another in every possible way. 

Their bond remained open and as she encouraged him to move within her. The awareness of his pleasure was enough for her to focus on and ignore the vague discomfort that remained as her body adapted to accommodate the size of him. He was still afraid of hurting her, she could tell. So she moved, wrapping her legs around him, forcing him deeper inside of her. A breath hitched in her throat and Ben nearly groaned in appreciation at the feeling of the new angle. In the end, it was all rather simple. And she didn’t know what she’d been so nervous about. It reminded her so of her old dreams, but it was so much better. She could feel him, every part of him. And watching Ben come undone, she knew there was no comparison to anything she’d ever imagined before. This was _real_. 

He collapsed over her when he finished, still holding himself up not to completely squash her. But she loved the feeling of it. Their bodies pressed so close together, warm and wet with their sweat. Their chests heaving as they fought to catch their breaths. The indecent but altogether shameless feeling of how he had spilled himself inside of her. It was another several moments before she could fully catch her breath, and Ben soon followed, slipping himself out of her and falling dramatically on his side beside her.

Rey turned to face him and he wrapped his arms around her. She buried her head in his chest and slipped her arm around his middle, keeping him as close as she dared. They lay like that for a while, neither of them moving or talking. Just breathing in the scent of each other, listening to the crackling fire in the hut, the distant sound of the waves outside of it. 

Rey had never been so content in all of her life. Which is why the words that came from his mouth were so shockingly ridiculous.

“I’m sorry, Rey.”

She was in such a peaceful daze, it took her a moment to realize what he’d said. “What?”

His voice was deep and thick with self-loathing in the back of his throat. “You’re in pain.”

She blinked. “I am?”

“I can feel it.”

She raised herself on her elbow and looked down at him, eyes narrowed in absolute confusion. “I’m not _in pain_ , Ben,” she corrected, before reassessing herself. “I’m a little sore, maybe, but don’t go on being miserable because you think you hurt me.”

“I _did_ hurt you.”

She was about to shout at him, but then another thought came to her. What if this was an excuse? Maybe she’d done something wrong. Maybe he was repulsed by her and never wanted to do it again. She swallowed, feeling herself blush. “Unless, that is,” she stammered, “unless you didn’t like it…”

And Ben laughed at her. It was a lazy, but hearty laugh and she shook with him beneath her.

“You honestly think I didn’t enjoy myself?” He scoffed at her, “Rey, that was,” he looked past her to the ceiling, trying to find the words. He pulled at her to search his mind, to find an answer for how much he just enjoyed everything they did. She couldn’t find it and neither could he.

She swallowed, feeling just a little bit better, but still annoyed. “So why don’t you believe that I feel the same? I’m so happy, Ben. Don’t ruin it. Please.”

Ben looked up at her and sighed, reluctantly. “You’re right,” he pulled her down and kissed her. His mouth was sweet, reassuring and his lips were swollen and perfect. “I’m sorry,” he said for the third time that day, but for an entirely different reason now. “Come here,” he muttered, opening up his arm for her. She sighed and let go, snuggling against him with her head on his chest as they wrapped themselves around one another.

They were quiet for some time as Ben ran his fingers comfortingly through her hair. Rey found she was getting sleepy with the sound of his heartbeat, steady under her ear. 

“Do you want to know the truth?” Ben’s voice was soft, coming from the silence, so it didn’t alarm her, or bring her into complete wakefulness. She merely hummed in question, waiting for his answer. “I could stay here for the rest of my life. In the middle of nowhere. So long as you’re here.”

Rey breathed in deeply and shut her eyes. She was suddenly too tired to respond, but she hid nothing from him and she knew he could feel how absolutely in agreement she was with the sentiment. 

It sounded a very good idea, staying on Ahch To. They had everything they could ever need. They had each other. And she didn’t know what could ever possess her to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I hope it doesn't suck too much! I tried to be realistic for these two thirsty virgins. Anyway, they're going to have a fun couple of days in the next few chapters and I think they, and we all, deserve it. 
> 
> Hoping to post a couple more times before my due date (1 month away - yikes), but don't hate me if it's not super soon! Also, check the updated tags if you haven't. We're nearing like the MIDDLE of this story. I've got major plans. And that's all I'll say. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and I hope you're well!!!


	23. Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, if you didn't notice, I have put a chapter limit on this fic. That does NOT mean this story is almost over. It just means that I have to put it on pause. This little babe is coming sooner than we thought and I didn't want to leave this story off without bringing it to some sort of closure. 
> 
> So the next post, chapter 24, will conclude Part 1 of the series 'Shelter'. Chapter 24 will leave us off with a hint that will lead us into Part 2 of this story, which I have had planned since the very beginning. But as I am about to bring a baby into this world, I figure I should probably prepare myself to put it on hold for a while.
> 
> Enjoy this little bit of nonsense here!

_Peace_. 

Never in life had Rey felt such a thing upon waking. She could feel it in everything, even before opening her eyes. The warmth in the space surrounding them. The dreamlessness of her sleep. In the places they touched as she awoke. The evenness of his breaths under her ear, his steady pulse at his neck, his skin under her fingers, just as familiar as her own now.

And then there was the Force, radiating around them, through them, in acknowledgement of the rightness of it all. The balance their union brought forth. _This_ was how it was meant to be. This was always what the Force had intended for them. She had been made for him. An equal. An identical match to his strength. His mind to equal her own. It was just their own stubborn natures and the small inconvenience of a galactic war that got in their way. 

But all of that was behind them now. All was right and good. And Rey had never been so happy in all her life. She breathed in deeply, inhaling the calming, reassuring scent of him and her arm snaked around his middle, bringing herself impossibly closer to him.

_Morning_ , Ben murmured through their bond. At once, she knew, he’d heard everything she thought. And it was okay. Because as his arms tightened around her, she knew their thoughts were one in the same. 

_Morning_ , she answered back, still barely awake, but fully aware of all the sensations that were alive in her. 

They were quiet for a while, just lying there together as their bodies and minds slowly began to ready themselves for a new day with each other. Even given the itchy blanket on their naked skin and less than desirable comfort level of the two pallets pressed together beneath them, they were impossibly contented to lay in each others arms.

From behind her eyelids, Rey could tell that the light was bright in their hut. It was later than she’d realized. She still couldn’t believe how much better she slept with the nearness of him, let alone sleeping wrapped up in his arms. But this was a new sensation that she had no problem getting used to. 

After another few moments, Ben stirred beneath her until she was gently loosened from his hold and lying against the pallet on her own. He sat up and leaned over her, pushing her hair out of her face and kissed her gently at her brow.

“How are you feeling?” He murmured against her forehead, sending tingles down her spine, before pulling away and sitting up to look at her.

Rey searched her thoughts, and eyes still closed, she found herself answering quite honestly. “Perfectly happy.” She peeked up at him, eyes still squinted against the light and a remaining bit of timidness she couldn’t help but feel as she looked him in the eyes. She stretched under the blanket, admiring the way the morning sun shone off of his perfect chest. She tilted her head and reached for his arm, unable to help herself, needing the contact even if they were no longer lying together. “How about you?” She asked quietly.

His answer was immediate. “Just about the same.”

Rey was dubious, “Really?”

Ben nodded, a soft, but crooked smile lighting up his whole face. And he took her breath away.

This man had seen _all_ of her last night. Touched and tasted and felt her. He made her sweat and pant his name and beg for him. He didn’t even seem to realize the effect he had on her. Thinking back on it, he had seemed just as amazed that she’d want him as she was that he’d wanted her. 

To do what they had done was something she never thought she’d want in her life - not growing up alone on Jakku. But he showed her another part of herself. He made her feel alive and wanted in a way she never imagined possible. And lying there next to him, thinking about it all again, she could feel the need arise in her once more. 

But her stomach, it seemed, had something different in mind.

“You’re hungry,” Ben said aloud, his voice calm and clear as he spoke above her head. He rubbed her back a little, clearly encouraging that she get up. 

Rey whined a little under her breath and felt a warmth rush to her cheeks. “I’m always hungry.”She’d much prefer lying in bed next to him all day than to get up and get dressed and start her day among the caretakers.

“Believe me,” Ben answered her thought, “I couldn’t agree more. But, we probably should leave the hut at some point today, Rey. Besides,” he sighed, looking out the hut window, “Looks like another beautiful day on Ahch To.”

Rey rolled her eyes in annoyance, “I’d much prefer the benefits of a monsoon, to be completely honest.”

She could think of a dozen other things she’d rather do with him to occupy their time in the hut, but she didn’t dare, knowing how connected their minds were, knowing he was right, besides. The caretakers might even come looking for them if they didn’t emerge from the hut at least once today.

“Take your time getting up,” Ben proposed, “I’ll go wash up and change.”

So take her time she did.

Once he left she let out a sigh. Not of relief, but in discomfort. It wasn’t her favorite thing, being away from him. But she supposed she could do with a few moments on her own. For nothing other than an assessment of this newness she felt all through her. She stretched her limbs once more, really trying to feel all the parts of her. Something felt different, that was for sure. But not bad different. Her muscles felt loose and relaxed. There was a bit of soreness, but that was to be expected and quite frankly, feeling the size of him last night, she thought it would have been worse.

Overall, she felt good and right. And she couldn’t wait for him to get back. She dressed quickly and went back to her own hut to wash herself. She ran a rough comb through her wet hair and put on some clean clothes all before she felt him on his way back.

Aside from that morning, they didn’t separate for the entire day. Not that it mattered much. They also couldn’t find much time or space to be alone. The visiting Lanai stayed later apparently taking their time to recover from their party. Kind as they were, Rey was pleased to see them go before the end of the day.

They’d gone about their day as usual, but nothing could have been further from usual. The night they’d spent together had changed them irrevocably. Rey knew he could feel it too. Even with all of the distractions of the day, she could feel the ease, the calm and contentment through their bond. But it was more than that, too. It was the way he watched her throughout the day. In everything she did, she would turn and his eyes would be on her.

She didn’t want to invade the privacy of his thoughts as he did so, so she didn’t. But she couldn’t be exactly sure of what he was thinking, either. Eventually it got to be too much that when they were eating their evening meal outside of their hut, she threw her spoon at him.

He smirked and let out a huff of a laugh as he waved it away with the Force.

Rey groaned in annoyance, “ _What_ are you staring at?”

“You,” he said simply, as if he had been waiting for her to ask all day. And perhaps he had.

Her eyes went wide. Did she have something in her teeth? Was there something on her face? She knew she should have scrubbed harder that morning? She squinted at him, afraid of the answer she looked for. “Why?”

“You’re beautiful.” Rey blinked at him. For once in her life, her mind was impossibly blank. “I didn’t tell you last night,” Ben went on. “I should have told you every day. I’ve thought it every day.”

“Oh,” Rey tried to swallow the lump that appeared in her throat. She felt herself blush in a way she hadn’t been expecting for such simple words. “No one has ever said that to me before,” her voice was quiet. Suddenly, she wasn’t sitting close enough to him. She scooted down the log until their hips touched and she put a hand on his thigh, watching him. She saw his eyes widen infinitesimally and his pupils dilate before she leaned in to kiss him. 

Rey knew the Lanai were still up and about and that if they just looked over in their direction they would have seen them. But she quite honestly couldn’t have cared any less. 

Moments later, they were safely behind the door of their hut. The tension that had been building between them all day finally finding some release as their hands were free to explore one another once more. Ben was quite abruptly naked before her; Rey was surprised at how efficiently she worked when she was eager. She felt no qualms this time as Ben pulled her shirt over her head and pushed her breast band down and away from her. He looked down at her naked torso and sat heavily on the pallet before her. She watched him closely as he reached for her waistband, pushing her leggings down slowly, watching with keen interest as a new inch of her skin was exposed to him. When she finally was able to step free of the fabric at her feet, his hands found her hips and brought her closer. He leaned his head against her and Rey buried her hands in his hair, her heart hammering against her chest as he pressed his lips against her belly, against the bone of her hip.

And then he looked up at her. “Maybe we should,” he inhaled, looking physically pained to have stopped whatever it was he wanted to do next, “Maybe we should wait a day.”

Rey was in a daze, “What? Why?” That was the worst idea she’d ever heard in all her life.

Ben pressed his lips once more to her skin, just below her belly button. “You’re sore.”

Rey shook her head, “I’m not,” she lied.

“You’ve thought about it a few times today.”

“Did I?” She hadn’t even realized it. She grit her teeth, hating herself, and gave the slightest buck of her hips toward him. “So heal me.”

She could see the idea flash behind his eyes, but it seemed he’d already thought this option through. “That would just recreate the issue.”

Rey groaned and tossed her head back, knowing he was right, and she gripped into his scalp with her frustration. Ben seemed to feel it too, as he fell flat on his back on the pallet. Looking at him from that angle, though, Rey’s frustration was short lived as she realized there were other things that could be done.

She climbed onto the pallet and laid next to him. “Maybe we can just,” she bit her lip and reached for him. His breath hitched as her hand gripped him firmly and gave him an experimental tug.

He turned his head to face her, his eyes fluttering shut as Rey continued her movements, watching him with the same amount of pleasure as he had watched her last night. She looked at her hand, tanned from the sun and admired the contrasting colors of their skin, as her fingers wrapped around the length of him. How she’d managed to fit all of that inside of her was unbelievable now. Maybe he did have a point in waiting a day. It didn’t mean she wouldn’t be able to enjoy _this_ , though. She rubbed a thumb over the tip of him, feeling a small bit of wetness, enjoying the subtle groan at the back of his throat. She leaned down and nipped at his ear as he had done to her. “Show me, Ben,” she insisted, reaching for the back of his mind. “Show me what you want.” And as though he was just waiting for her permission, he did.

Watching Ben come undone by her hand alone made her feel strong and invincible. But in the moment after he finished, he turned her on her back and made her melt beneath his touch once more. Unlike last night, though, she didn’t have to show him a thing. He remembered just how she liked it.

-

The next morning was different than the last. For one thing, Rey lay absolutely on top of Ben this time, their legs entangled familiarly with one another. For another, there was an incredibly welcome sound out on the roof above their heads.

“Rain,” Rey murmured, her cheek pressed against Ben’s chest.

Ben merely hummed in response, tightening his arms around her. She relished in the feeling of it before squirming away from him and slipping out from under the blanket to get up and peer out the window. She knew the grey light outside must have been morning, but she also recognized that this rain was here to stay today. Rey stretched her arms high above her head, feeling his eyes on her back as she ran through a mental checklist. _Well rested. Soreness, gone._ Very _much awake._

“Well,” Ben started from behind her. She turned and looked at him as he wiped the sleep from his eyes. “What do you want to do today?” He squinted at her in the grey light, knowing full well what she was thinking.

“Oh,” she turned to face him, shrugging playfully. “I can think a few things.”

He lifted himself up on his elbows and tilted his head at her. “Care to share what’s on your mind?”

Rey swallowed and kneeled back on the pallet. “I’d rather just show you, if that’s alright with you.”

And then she was on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my note at the beginning of this chapter makes sense! Let me know if you have any questions. I am beginning to write chapter 24 now so depending on when I have to go to the hospital, I'd like to have it up soon soon soon!
> 
> Thank you all for reading this fic. I know it has been a long - what, 6 months? - but I seriously want you all to know how much I appreciate your kudos, all of your comments and support. 
> 
> I hope you're all well and I hope to be posting soon!!


	24. 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this on my phone and am posting this from my phone. A first. But with a 4 month old baby that just got over colic, but still doesn’t let me put him down AND a dying laptop, it’s a bit challenging to settle down and write. Or do anything at all, for that matter.
> 
> Here is the angsty, cliffhanging end of part one.
> 
> I’m so sorry it took so ridiculously long.
> 
> But my water broke...

“Forty-eight.”

“Hmm?” Rey was awake, but just so. And she wasn’t quite in the state of mind to have any idea what was going on outside her own body. Not after the long, gloriously secluded day they had together in the hut. All she could focus on was the sensation, the gentle tickling of Ben’s fingertips running up and down her spine. 

Ben repeated the number, his voice breaking through the steady rain in the night outside, the crackling of the fire by their feet, but Rey still didn’t understand. She peeked an eye up at him where he lay on his back beneath her. His eyes were closed. He was on the edge of sleep himself.

“What’s forty-eight?” She asked him quietly. 

“The number of freckles on your face.”

Rey felt her cheeks warm in the dark. “Seems like rather a lot, no?”

Ben kept his eyes closed and shook his head gently.

She felt a funny turning in her belly, the same thing she was starting to get used to feeling whenever he said something like that about her. 

He went on, so softly that she wasn’t entirely sure he was completely awake. “So many times I dreamt of you. Seen you up close. But I never had long enough to count.” He sighed contentedly and pulled her closer as he began to drift off. “There’s forty-eight.”

\---

Rey was in a place she’d never been. A place green and blue and terribly unfamiliar. But as she looked around, taking in the beauty of the waterfall in front of her, she was immersed in an overwhelming feeling of home. A feeling of contentment and rightness. And all at once, she realized why.

She turned around and faced the open field behind her. 

_ Finn. _

She wanted to run to him. To throw her arms around him and hold him close. But he wasn’t looking at her. He was looking to her right. And she could feel Ben standing there next to her. Their bond hummed alive and she suddenly realized what was happening. Finn set his jaw and squared his shoulders; he was ready for a fight.

Before she could stop them, before she could say anything or even move, it started.

She watched the two halves of her life, the past and the present implode as they began their fight. The dueling blue light of their sabers sliced through the warmth of the air, and no matter how she tried, Rey was frozen to the spot helpless to stop it.

Their fight went on for what felt like hours, but Rey knew it could only be minutes. It was torture to watch each man essentially taking turns over powering the other, until, finally, at the last second, Finn brought his saber up to Ben’s throat. 

Rey screamed.

Finn froze just a hair away from Ben’s flesh. She cried out again, but it was like they couldn’t hear her. Ben dropped his saber and put his hands out in defeat, yielding. 

And then, the most peculiar thing happened. 

Finn let out a bark of a laugh, extinguished his saber, took a step back. Ben straightened, and most confusing of all, he laughed too. 

When they shook hands, Rey’s heart jumped in her chest, waking her all at once.

A dream.

_ Of course _ it was a dream.

A completely nonsensical dream. 

But... a good one? She wasn’t sure. But she did know one thing. 

It was a fantasy. 

Something that certainly would never be. Something she knew deep down that she wanted more than anything in all her life. The two halves of her life, together in contentment. She shook her head. It was a complete fantasy.

As Ben woke slowly beside her, she knew she wanted to keep the details of the dream from him. But as he blinked at her in the morning light, she realized it could never be so easy. There were tears streaming down her face.

He wrapped an arm around her immediately and brought her face up to his. “What is it?” His voice was scratchy with sleep and he blinked his eyes to better focus on her. 

But when he looked at her, it wasn’t just Rey that he saw. Finn’s smiling face was still so present in her mind. She knew he could see it. And she knew she didn’t dare hide it. 

Ben cleared his throat, swallowed. “You miss him,” his voice was deep, far away, though their bodies were so close and intertwined. “You miss them.”

Her first instinct was to deny it. But then, he’d see through that.  _ Hadn’t he already? _

“I didn’t know I did.” She closed her eyes and squirmed out and away from him so that she could sit up. “I’ve been so distracted”, she paused, shaking her head.  _ Wrong word _ . “So  _ happy” _ , she corrected. “I haven’t had time to think about-“

“What you were missing?” He finished, knowingly.

It all came flooding in at that. Rey blinked and turned back to face him. That was all he needed to say.  _ Yes _ , she told him in her mind. She missed Finn. She missed Rose and Poe and Chewie. She missed them all. She missed them all terribly.

What followed was a look Rey had never seen on Ben’s face. His was a face she knew, she’d studied so intently, and yet, in the moment she admitted it, he became unreadable.

They were interrupted by a forceful knock at the door. The tightness in Rey’s shoulders collapsed, but otherwise, neither of them moved.

Rey stared at him still. She knew their bond was open, she knew he wouldn’t block her out, but she knew whatever was on his mind now would be too much for her to face.

Another knock.

Rey gritted her teeth and turned away, muttering as she grabbed up a blanket, wrapping it haphazardly around her bare shoulders. “What could they possibly want now?”

It was only when she swung the door wide open in a huff that she’d wished she’d given herself more than a moment to prepare.

“Yes?” She snapped staring ahead to where she expected to see a caretaker.

She blinked, and before she was able to register who was at the door, she felt Ben’s alarm spike from the space behind her.

Her eyes fell lower to the place where someone stood. Not a Lanai. But a creature of another species entirely.

“Hey, kiddo.” She said with a warm smile in her eyes.

Rey merely stood there, dumbfounded. 

“Maz?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weeelllllllp!!!!
> 
> Part two begins... sometime in the near future and/or whenever I have the chance. CHECK THE DANG TAGS IM NOT REINVENTING THE WHEEL HERE.
> 
> I go back to work in two weeks and I AM NOT LYING when I tell you that I have been holding a baby Ben in my arms FOR MOST HOURS OF THE DAY since July 5th. 
> 
> Long story short:
> 
> Water broke two weeks early, diagnosed with HELLP out of nowhere, delivery apparently shortened my doctor’s life she was so scared, Ben had serious issues before bringing him home, then there’s the colic, acid reflux and visits to the gastroenterologist for my little tiny babe. It’s been a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Now he’s healthy and happy as can be! [Here’s a shot of the tot on Halloween.](https://youshotfirst.tumblr.com/post/633551441998528512) Love the stuffing out of him though. Just can’t put him down for more than ten minutes... 
> 
> ANYWAY IGNORE ME. 
> 
> I love you all if any of you are still out there. Thank you to those that have periodically checked in, it means so so much. And thanks for reading this. Honestly. It’s just the best feeling.
> 
> Meanwhile, the world is still burning. I hope you’re all safe.
> 
> Part two coming. At some point. Don’t give up on me. Ok bye.


End file.
